Submissives Must Not Be Doormats

Joey W. Hill writes about BDSM. One of my favorite quotes from her is: “If my Master is lost, I’ll find him. I’ll lead him back to himself, because to serve doesn’t always mean to follow.”

The reason I am quoting her now is because recently in several profiles  I’ve seen the following quote from Anais Nin “I do not want to be the leader. I refuse to be the leader. I want to live darkly and richly in my femaleness. I want a man lying over me, always over me. His will, his pleasure, his desire, his life, his work, his sexuality the touchstone, the command, my pivot.”  Some see this quote as the ultimate meaning of being a submissive.

I would argue that to believe that one can have a successful D/s relationship as a submissive while giving up all responsibility for taking the lead at times is not only flawed but it’s self-destructive to both Domme and sub.

This is what I’ve encountered in SL more than just a few times. When these subs express this to me, then I tell them that what they really want is to be a slave and not have any choice, but they correct me. In fact what they want is for the Domme to do all the work for them.

Contrary to popular myth, a Domme is not some infallible and omnipotent being. A Domme is human and subject to human stresses, pressures, emotions, and needs. Sometimes that seeming rock of a Domme succumbs to the pressures of life, work, relationships, family, or loss, and suddenly does not seem so Domme. A Domme can lose her way every bit as much as can a submissive. Many Dommes, when confronted with overwhelming pressures or loss, will slip into their cave of self-imposed exile and retreat from the world.

They often do not express themselves and the weight that they bear. That is part of what makes them seem so Domme. Yet to the intimate D/s submissive partner, this self-imposed isolation by a Domme can feel like rejection. When the Domme withdraws, the submissive can themselves feel lost.

With that in mind, reading the Joey Hill quote again. “If my Mistress is lost, I’ll find him. I’ll lead him back to herself, because to serve does not always mean to follow.” I would argue that when a Mistress is not feeling so terribly Dominant, when a Domme is not feeling so terribly in control of their world, it is indeed the hour of glory for a submissive to truly shine in her devotion.

Under these circumstances, leading a Mistress back to themselves is not an exercise in brattiness or challenging them to be Domme, or to take action of some sort. No. This is the moment when a submissive can lead her Domme back to hersefl by being the most devoted and submissive self. It is leadership through service. Not badgering or shaming the Domme about poor performance, that only makes matters worse.

The submissive leads her Domme back to her dominance by giving them what they seem to have momentarily lost in life; control. Through loving devotion and service, the submissive gives her Domme what she has lost, and in so doing slowly breathes life back into her own Mistress. This is not leadership in the overt traditional sense of command and control, or even leadership by example. This is leadership through service and devotion.

Ultimately, by leadership through service a submissive leads her Mistress back to being her most authentic self.

 

 

Advice for New Dominants (Part 2)

7. Ask questions.

Ask as many questions as you can of who you can. You can learn something from almost everyone, even if it is what not to do or what you don’t want to do. The more questions you ask of individuals the more informed you will become. And don’t limit yourself to just Dominants. There are submissives and slaves out there with a wealth of experience and knowledge who you can draw from as well. Their knowledge is just as valid as a Dominants, so talk to them.

It is not a sign of weakness to ask someone.

8. Just because you saw someone do it, doesn’t mean you can.

So you were at a D/s SIM and you saw a Mistress interacting with a sub in an interesting or kinky way. She made it look so easy that you are sure, with your vast intelligence, that you can do it as well, right?

Perhaps not!

The reason she made it look easy is because probably she has been doing it for a while. She probably has practiced on others and learn from her mistakes, and has learn to refine what to say and what the sequence of events will be to get the best enjoyment out of the situation, and to get the best out of the submissive.

So when you see something that you would like to learn, try and ask questions or watch carefully at the sequence of events. Make notes, and notice the reactions of the sub and of others around it. Of course in SL may be difficult because they may be engaged in private IMs, but it never hurts to ask.

Attend classes, many SIMs do this. If they are giving a demonstration, then they are there to answer questions, so ask them and make sure you learn all the details.

This is very true with RLV, nothing can kill the mood or send someone running away than the wrong use of RLV.

9. Honor someone’s relationship dynamic.

Many people have many different dynamics and protocols in this lifestyle. When in doubt, ask questions. Once you learn the relationship dynamics, do not dismiss them simply because you think they are silly. In reality, they may be. But if you are or want to interact with individuals who have a certain dynamic/protocol, there are only two options. Either honor it to associate with them or don’t deal with them at all.

Since that is what they have decided for themselves, your opinion will have little or no impact, so complaining or whining about it will do nothing. One day you may develop dynamics or protocols that others may find strange. Think how you would want to be treated in that situation and then behave accordingly. It’s funny how there are those who will ask to touch someone’s toys but think they can treat someone’s partner however they want.

If you are using SL as a video game where you get to play a Dominant person in god mode, then you will never learn how enjoyable it is to have a submissive that is 100% loyal to you, because she is getting what she expects to get.

10. Don’t measure yourself by someone else.

You have to develop your own style. Don’t do things just because someone else is doing them or it seems cool or because the hot little potential sub is really begging for it. If it’s not for you, it’s not for you. People are best at what truly inspires them not because of what is cool and hip. While, like high school, there is peer pressure in the BDSM scene/lifestyle, you have the choice as to whether or not you follow it, or follow your own path.

11. Keep an open mind.

There are things as a new person that you do not like that in 2 or 3 or 10 years you will totally be into. Be sure to try out and learn about different things. You never know what turns you off today will totally rock your socks tomorrow. So keep an open eye and an open mind. It will work to your benefit in the long run.

 

 

Advice for New Dominants (Part 1)

Recently we were discussing this item at the Chateau Lesbiennes de Roissy, as we had a couple of new Mistresses being considered for admittance. What advice could be give them besides the technical parts of SL. So this list is the result of six of us thinking about it.

1. You will make mistakes

New Dominants WILL make mistakes. It’s a fact of life. To be fair, experienced Dominants will make mistakes. Intermediate Dominants will make mistakes. If you are a Dominant or think you want to be a Dominant, you will make a mistake. Accept it and move on.

The only thing that makes a mistake worse is not learning from it. Mistakes are opportunities to grow and learn. Talk to people about them. Figure out what went wrong then incorporate that and try not to do it again.

If you act like everything you do is perfect and without flaw, then you are just playing a game.

2. Beating someone does not make you a Dominant.

Anyone can sit on a ball, grab a whip, flogger, or put someone on bondage in a machine. Simply because you have become adept at using equipment, or using RLV is not the mark of a Dominant. At best, it makes you a Top. Being a Top is not the same as being a Dominant. 

There is much more to being a Dominant than simply engaging in play. Do not confuse what happens in a scene as who you really are inside.

3. Be realistic about who and what you are.

If you give yourself a title such as Mistress or Goddess and you are just getting started as a Dominant, prepare to be mocked and laughed at.  True subs will see right through you and will not engage with you, while subs that are starting may go with you but will soon run away. If after a while, the Dominant role is not one that you feel comfortable with, just stop doing it.

The most powerful Dominants for the most part look, and behave very normal. When the sub is interacting with them, the dominance is obvious and the sub just melts into the relationship. Don’t make a mockery of the lifestyle because you thought it would be cool to add Master or Mistress to your name. If it is inside you, it will come out and flourish naturally as you have more experiences. The title will not do it.

4. Don’t measure yourself by someone else.

You have to develop your own style. You have to know what makes you tick and why. Don’t do things just because someone else is doing them or it seems cool or because the hot little potential sub is really begging for it. If it’s not for you, it’s not for you. People are best at what truly inspires them not because of what is cool and hip. While, like high school, there is peer pressure in the BDSM scene/lifestyle, you have the choice as to whether or not you follow it, or follow your own path.

5. Question yourself.

A Dominant who doesn’t question herself isn’t much of a Dominant. One of the tricks to being a good Dominant (if you are interested in such a thing) is looking and re-examining your actions as a Dominant. Figure out what you did and why you did it. The answers will not always come easy and they may not always be pleasant. But self-awareness and introspection are two crucial tools in a Dominants play box. Use them and use them often.

6. Try to figure out what type of Dominant you want to be and work at it.

The concept that there are many different types of Dominants and submissives (see a previous post for submissive types) seems to escape many people. Some Dominants may be sensual, caring, and very nice while others may be sadistic, cruel, and a mean person. What type you will be is up to you. But when you find a style that fits, run with it. You will find subs that match your style, don’t try to fit a sensual sub to your style, if you are a sadistic Dominant and vice-versa. Always be the best you can be by learning as much as you can about that particular style, infusing your own style along with it. And don’t be afraid to switch gears when its not working for you. After all, SL is a great platform for change and experimentation and you are in control.

Stay tuned for Part II.

Why not more munches

I just left a munch at the lesbian society and it was excellent. As always, the owner (Victoria) kept the conversation relevant and on topic. When I got to my house I started thinking of how rare is to find a munch in SL, and that SL is the perfect place to have them.

Of course by now you may be asking “What the hell is a munch.” Traditionally a munch is a practice in the BDSM community where a group of lifestylers meet up in a restaurant for a casual meal and conversation about BDSM. Munches are low-key occasions: no collars and leashes, and no big kinky attitude. You’re expected to wear street clothes and behave yourself. They’re also an acknowledged entry point for new folks.

Why not many more of these in SL? It seems to me that is the perfect way to meet people in SL. I have seen a few problems when the munch is held in a place where avs come and go. Some think it is a time to pick up a Mistress or a sub and interrupt. Even though a notecard is given on arrival, many don’t read it.

Of course there is your occasional griefer, and your occasional video game player that wants to interrupt, but in general they are very positive and everyone has a good time and gets to know more about the lifestyle.

Any thoughts out there?

By the way, if you think you want to join the BDSM lifestyle in RL, do a search for a munch near your city. You will be surprised.

Full Disclosure Please

As always, in a long chat with my friends we started talking about something that has happened to all of us at least once (to me many more times than that), and that is the lack of full disclosure from the sub about who they are in real life and what they really want.

So far, we’ve seen three scenarios play out:

Domme that wants to be sub but not a switch – In this scenario you are approached by a fellow “Domme” and she compliments you on your looks, profile, etc. Then you get to talk about subs and how she is so experienced with them, has a couple and somehow the conversation starts turning into how she doesn’t mind giving up control to another Domme so both can “play” together. Or words to that effect. Talk about topping from the bottom. If they are really submissive then act like it right away and don’t try to fool anyone. I lose all respect for you if you approach me this way. What other tricks will you try to play.

Sub that wants to be your sub so she can Domme you later on –  I can spot these type very quickly, as their questions, profile, look, and overall demeanor don’t show any submissive traits. At  least with this type I don’t waste very much time.

Gender switching – We’ve all been there when after two months of cultivating a sub, developing a good relationship, starting to develop trust, and everything going well, he/she drops the bomb. “err…. Mistress I have something important to tell you” … Yes?  “In RL I am a boy (or girl if it is a man). We all agreed that this is the biggest turn off and disappointment that we experience. Hey most of us will Domme a man even though we prefer women. I will even go as far to say that I don’t mind feminizing a guy over a period of time, but in either case, they really need to disclose who they are when the question is asked.

In a previous post I did talk of how I ask early on, but even though most disclose, the few that don’t always seem to disclose at the moment the relationship is about to go to a higher plane. Why then? Probably because they have been feeling guilty all along.

In our discussion about one-third of the Mistresses said that they would forgive them and keep on going, but the remaining two-thirds would not. I am in the latter group, and to me lack of full disclosure is a show stopper and an immediate break in the relationship. Of course after that the alt invariably shows up.

Just tell the truth from the beginning.

The Domme Teaser

As I was chatting with a friend at Secret House the other day, I was checking profiles as usual. I saw someone that I have seen many times before in there and read her profile. Not much had changed.

I had met her before and she turned out to be a very needy Mistress chasing sub but her profile has all the perfect words to get one to IM her. For example: My future Owner will tell me what I seek and what I can and can’t do. I enjoy non-consent, control, aggressive strict owner, TPE, long term only.

You get the idea. The thing is that I know at least six other Dommes that have tried with her and it is always the same thing. Top from the bottom, needy, never about TPE, always about her controlling what she wants etc … Once again, nothing new here.

But here is what is new, the more we talked about her, the more we started to come up with other names of very similar behaviors in other avs. We didn’t thing it was just one person with alts, but for us a new type of behavior. We called it the Domme teaser.

We figured this type of sub is just out there to tease Dommes and get her laughs along the way. Over promising and under delivering on purpose while getting her thrills this way.

Have you seen this pattern out there? Drop me a comment.

Comments on mesh bodies

I normally don’t comment on fashion trends or item trends, but the nature of mesh bodies has gotten a lot of attention lately and some people keep asking my opinion about it.

I’ll begin by saying that many people ask me what kind of mesh body I’m using and are shocked when I tell them that I am using a regular SL body. They seem skeptical as they state that it looks so good. I do remind them that SL still has amazing skin makers for SL bodies. Some of these skins are better than the skins that come standard in any of the mesh bodies available.  So it is possible to look just as good.

At the same time, the shape also makes a difference. Finding a well proportioned shape that has nuances to it is not hard and there are many great shape makers in-world.

Two mesh items that are a must, are mesh hands and feet. The SL hands and feet are just plain ugly to be wearing around. I use appliers to blend the hands and feet with the SL body. The blending took me a while to figure out but once I did, everything is seamless.

That said, I’ve nothing against mesh bodies. They look gorgeous with or without clothes all the time. Having a SL body you have to work a little harder to make it look as good or even a little better. I’m sure I’ll be wearing a mesh body soon enough since I’m starting to see some amazing ones.

Where the big difference still persists is in the mesh heads. I don’t have to remind you that the abundance of mesh heads makes some gatherings look like the “Return of the Clones” and a lot of them are expressionless or worst yet, have some crazy animations that make the person look ridiculous when they laugh or the teeth are shown. Developers still have a lot of work to do.

But … the heads don’t have to look like clones. I was talking with a person that had the expressionless clone head (and the eyes in the wrong spots inside the head), and I told her that with a little make-up (a make-up applier), and some editing she could look a lot nicer and just a tad different, she didn’t know. I asked her to open the hud for her head and of course is as complicated as it can be, and a lot of add-on appliers create an added cost to the already expensive head. She just didn’t know all the possibilities with a mesh head and didn’t realize that she had to change some settings to make the eyes fit correctly.

All of this reminds me of the early days in SL when we had to edit each individual object to make it fit well on our bodies (oh yes we still have to do that even with mesh bodies). There is a learning curve, but it is worth it.

P.S: Bento heads are a whole other topic. All I’ll say now is this, if you don’t know how to edit it “DON’T TOUCH IT.”

Anonymity in SL (Part 1)

It is a good feeling to being back to the blog. I have not been away from SL, just hadn’t found the time to blog. What got me thinking about it was this particular post that I saw in someone’s pick.

A few years ago I heard something about money that I believe is very true. Paraphrasing basically says that if you are idiot and you become rich then you become a bigger idiot. More money doesn’t change you, it just amplifies who you are.
Can we say the same about SL? Now that beautiful mesh bodies are available, all of the sudden some in here are av shaming others because they don’t have complete mesh bodies. I guess these same people must be extremely bigoted in RL. The anonymity of SL just amplifies their bigotry in SL.

To say that anonymity makes a person in SL express themselves without any fear of repercussion and therefore show their true colors is not a new concept, but it’s something worth to look at when meeting new people and trying to have a relationship with them.

This anonymity is expressed in SL the very moment we enter this world. How? We try to change our look to be our idealized presence, or someone very different. SL opens the possibilities to be able to construct a new self, and a new body in very many ways. From day one you are remaining anonymous to the rest of the people in SL.

Some people do put their RL picture in their profile, but most don’t, and a great majority put a fake picture taken from the Internet (see other posts to know how to identify them).

There has been some research on this field, and most of the outcomes are very similar. In a nutshell, the fact that from the very beginning of an experience in a virtual world people are not using exact representations of who they are, this will bring into their minds a level of anonymity that they will nurture throughout their life in that virtual world. Some researchers have also found that this level of anonymity leads into a creation of multiple bodies (alts …).

What does this all mean? Basically that a person can explore different types of their personality either with one av or many avs, but with the anonymity that SL provides, each part of their personality is basically multiplied and expressed in extreme ways. If you are a bigot in RL, then you will be twice as bad a bigot in SL.

If you are a sub in RL, your feelings may be twice as strong in SL as you don’t have the issue of being found out.

Of course all of these things are very relative. There are some people that do live SL as they do RL and they are open about who they are and try to behave the same way. Or are they?

More Categories for Submissives

This was written by Diane Vera and published in Lesbian S/M Safety Manual, from Alyson Press, Copyright 1984 and 1988.

1. NON-SUBMISSIVE MASOCHIST or KINKY SENSUALIST

Not into servitude, humiliation or giving up control; just pain and/or spiced-up sensuality, on the masochist’s own terms and for the masochist’s own direct pleasure (i.e. turned on solely/mainly by one’s own bodily sensations rather than by being “used” to gratify one’s partner’s sadism).

2. PSEUDO-SUBMISSIVE NON-SLAVE
Not into even playing “slave,” but into other “submissive” role-playing, e.g. schoolteacher scenes, infantilism, “forced” transvestitism. Usually into humiliation, but NOT into servitude, even in play. Dictates the scene to a large degree.
3.     PSEUDO-SUBMISSIVE PLAY SLAVE
Likes to play at being a slave; likes to feel subservient; may in some cases like to feel one is being “used” to gratify partner’s sadism; may even really serve the dominant in some ways, but only on the “slave’s” own terms. Dictates the scene to a large degree; often fetishistic (e.g. foot worshippers).
4.     TRUE SUBMISSIVE NON-SLAVE
Really gives up control (only temporarily and within agreed-upon limits), but gets her/his main satisfaction from aspects of submission other than serving or being used by the dominant. Usually turned on by suspense, vulnerability, and/or giving up reasonability. Doesn’t dictate the scene except in very general terms, but still seek mainly her/his own direct/pleasure (rather than getting one’s pleasure mainly from pleasing the dominant).
5.     TRUE SUBMISSIVE PLAY SLAVE
Really gives up control (though only temporarily; only during brief “scenes” and within limits) and gets main satisfaction from serving/being used by dominant-but only for FUN purposes, usually erotic. May/may not be into pain. If so, is turned on by pain indirectly, i.e. enjoys being the object of one’s partner’s sadism, on which the submissive places very few requirements or restrictions.
6.     UNCOMMITTED SHORT-TERM BUT MORE THAN PLAY SEMI-SLAVE
Really gives up control (usually within limits); wants to serve and be used by the dominant; wants to provide practical/non erotic as well as fun/erotic services; but only when the “slave” is in the mood. May even act as a full-time slave for, say, several days at a time, but is free to quit at any time (or at the end of the agreed upon several days). May or may not have long-term relationship with one’s Mistress, but, either way, the “slave” has the final say over when she will serve.
7.     PART-TIME CONSENSUAL-BUT REAL SLAVE
Has an ongoing commitment to an owner/slave relationship and regards oneself as the dominant’s property at all times. Wants to obey and please Dom(me) in all aspects of life-practical/non erotic and fun/erotic. Devotes most of time to other commitments (e.g. job) but Dom(me) has first pick of the slave’s free time.
8.     FULL-TIME LIVE IN CONSENSUAL SLAVE
Within no more than a few broad limits/requirements, the slave regards herself/himself as existing solely for the Dom(me)’s pleasure/well being. Slave in turn expects to be regarded as a prized possession. Not much different from the situation of the traditional housewife, except that within the S/M world the slave’s position is more likely to be fully consensual, especially if the slave is male. Within the S/M world, a full time “slave” arrangement is entered into with an explicit awareness of the magnitude carefully, with more awareness of the magnitude of power that is being given up, and hence is usually entered into much more carefully, with more awareness of the possible dangers, and with much clearer and more specific agreements than usually precede the traditional marriage.
9.     CONSENSUAL TOTAL SLAVE WITH NO LIMITS
A common fantasy ideal which probably doesn’t exist in real life (except in authoritarian religious cults and other situations where the “consent” is induced by brainwashing and/or social or economic pressures, and hence isn’t fully consensual). A few S/M purists will insist that you aren’t really a slave unless you’re willing to do absolutely anything for your Dom(me), with no limits at all. I’ve met a few people who claimed to be no-limit slaves, but in all cases I have reason to doubt the claim.