Why not more munches

I just left a munch at the lesbian society and it was excellent. As always, the owner (Victoria) kept the conversation relevant and on topic. When I got to my house I started thinking of how rare is to find a munch in SL, and that SL is the perfect place to have them.

Of course by now you may be asking “What the hell is a munch.” Traditionally a munch is a practice in the BDSM community where a group of lifestylers meet up in a restaurant for a casual meal and conversation about BDSM. Munches are low-key occasions: no collars and leashes, and no big kinky attitude. You’re expected to wear street clothes and behave yourself. They’re also an acknowledged entry point for new folks.

Why not many more of these in SL? It seems to me that is the perfect way to meet people in SL. I have seen a few problems when the munch is held in a place where avs come and go. Some think it is a time to pick up a Mistress or a sub and interrupt. Even though a notecard is given on arrival, many don’t read it.

Of course there is your occasional griefer, and your occasional video game player that wants to interrupt, but in general they are very positive and everyone has a good time and gets to know more about the lifestyle.

Any thoughts out there?

By the way, if you think you want to join the BDSM lifestyle in RL, do a search for a munch near your city. You will be surprised.

Full Disclosure Please

As always, in a long chat with my friends we started talking about something that has happened to all of us at least once (to me many more times than that), and that is the lack of full disclosure from the sub about who they are in real life and what they really want.

So far, we’ve seen three scenarios play out:

Domme that wants to be sub but not a switch – In this scenario you are approached by a fellow “Domme” and she compliments you on your looks, profile, etc. Then you get to talk about subs and how she is so experienced with them, has a couple and somehow the conversation starts turning into how she doesn’t mind giving up control to another Domme so both can “play” together. Or words to that effect. Talk about topping from the bottom. If they are really submissive then act like it right away and don’t try to fool anyone. I lose all respect for you if you approach me this way. What other tricks will you try to play.

Sub that wants to be your sub so she can Domme you later on –  I can spot these type very quickly, as their questions, profile, look, and overall demeanor don’t show any submissive traits. At  least with this type I don’t waste very much time.

Gender switching – We’ve all been there when after two months of cultivating a sub, developing a good relationship, starting to develop trust, and everything going well, he/she drops the bomb. “err…. Mistress I have something important to tell you” … Yes?  “In RL I am a boy (or girl if it is a man). We all agreed that this is the biggest turn off and disappointment that we experience. Hey most of us will Domme a man even though we prefer women. I will even go as far to say that I don’t mind feminizing a guy over a period of time, but in either case, they really need to disclose who they are when the question is asked.

In a previous post I did talk of how I ask early on, but even though most disclose, the few that don’t always seem to disclose at the moment the relationship is about to go to a higher plane. Why then? Probably because they have been feeling guilty all along.

In our discussion about one-third of the Mistresses said that they would forgive them and keep on going, but the remaining two-thirds would not. I am in the latter group, and to me lack of full disclosure is a show stopper and an immediate break in the relationship. Of course after that the alt invariably shows up.

Just tell the truth from the beginning.

The Domme Teaser

As I was chatting with a friend at Secret House the other day, I was checking profiles as usual. I saw someone that I have seen many times before in there and read her profile. Not much had changed.

I had met her before and she turned out to be a very needy Mistress chasing sub but her profile has all the perfect words to get one to IM her. For example: My future Owner will tell me what I seek and what I can and can’t do. I enjoy non-consent, control, aggressive strict owner, TPE, long term only.

You get the idea. The thing is that I know at least six other Dommes that have tried with her and it is always the same thing. Top from the bottom, needy, never about TPE, always about her controlling what she wants etc … Once again, nothing new here.

But here is what is new, the more we talked about her, the more we started to come up with other names of very similar behaviors in other avs. We didn’t thing it was just one person with alts, but for us a new type of behavior. We called it the Domme teaser.

We figured this type of sub is just out there to tease Dommes and get her laughs along the way. Over promising and under delivering on purpose while getting her thrills this way.

Have you seen this pattern out there? Drop me a comment.

Comments on mesh bodies

I normally don’t comment on fashion trends or item trends, but the nature of mesh bodies has gotten a lot of attention lately and some people keep asking my opinion about it.

I’ll begin by saying that many people ask me what kind of mesh body I’m using and are shocked when I tell them that I am using a regular SL body. They seem skeptical as they state that it looks so good. I do remind them that SL still has amazing skin makers for SL bodies. Some of these skins are better than the skins that come standard in any of the mesh bodies available.  So it is possible to look just as good.

At the same time, the shape also makes a difference. Finding a well proportioned shape that has nuances to it is not hard and there are many great shape makers in-world.

Two mesh items that are a must, are mesh hands and feet. The SL hands and feet are just plain ugly to be wearing around. I use appliers to blend the hands and feet with the SL body. The blending took me a while to figure out but once I did, everything is seamless.

That said, I’ve nothing against mesh bodies. They look gorgeous with or without clothes all the time. Having a SL body you have to work a little harder to make it look as good or even a little better. I’m sure I’ll be wearing a mesh body soon enough since I’m starting to see some amazing ones.

Where the big difference still persists is in the mesh heads. I don’t have to remind you that the abundance of mesh heads makes some gatherings look like the “Return of the Clones” and a lot of them are expressionless or worst yet, have some crazy animations that make the person look ridiculous when they laugh or the teeth are shown. Developers still have a lot of work to do.

But … the heads don’t have to look like clones. I was talking with a person that had the expressionless clone head (and the eyes in the wrong spots inside the head), and I told her that with a little make-up (a make-up applier), and some editing she could look a lot nicer and just a tad different, she didn’t know. I asked her to open the hud for her head and of course is as complicated as it can be, and a lot of add-on appliers create an added cost to the already expensive head. She just didn’t know all the possibilities with a mesh head and didn’t realize that she had to change some settings to make the eyes fit correctly.

All of this reminds me of the early days in SL when we had to edit each individual object to make it fit well on our bodies (oh yes we still have to do that even with mesh bodies). There is a learning curve, but it is worth it.

P.S: Bento heads are a whole other topic. All I’ll say now is this, if you don’t know how to edit it “DON’T TOUCH IT.”

Anonymity in SL (Part 1)

It is a good feeling to being back to the blog. I have not been away from SL, just hadn’t found the time to blog. What got me thinking about it was this particular post that I saw in someone’s pick.

A few years ago I heard something about money that I believe is very true. Paraphrasing basically says that if you are idiot and you become rich then you become a bigger idiot. More money doesn’t change you, it just amplifies who you are.
Can we say the same about SL? Now that beautiful mesh bodies are available, all of the sudden some in here are av shaming others because they don’t have complete mesh bodies. I guess these same people must be extremely bigoted in RL. The anonymity of SL just amplifies their bigotry in SL.

To say that anonymity makes a person in SL express themselves without any fear of repercussion and therefore show their true colors is not a new concept, but it’s something worth to look at when meeting new people and trying to have a relationship with them.

This anonymity is expressed in SL the very moment we enter this world. How? We try to change our look to be our idealized presence, or someone very different. SL opens the possibilities to be able to construct a new self, and a new body in very many ways. From day one you are remaining anonymous to the rest of the people in SL.

Some people do put their RL picture in their profile, but most don’t, and a great majority put a fake picture taken from the Internet (see other posts to know how to identify them).

There has been some research on this field, and most of the outcomes are very similar. In a nutshell, the fact that from the very beginning of an experience in a virtual world people are not using exact representations of who they are, this will bring into their minds a level of anonymity that they will nurture throughout their life in that virtual world. Some researchers have also found that this level of anonymity leads into a creation of multiple bodies (alts …).

What does this all mean? Basically that a person can explore different types of their personality either with one av or many avs, but with the anonymity that SL provides, each part of their personality is basically multiplied and expressed in extreme ways. If you are a bigot in RL, then you will be twice as bad a bigot in SL.

If you are a sub in RL, your feelings may be twice as strong in SL as you don’t have the issue of being found out.

Of course all of these things are very relative. There are some people that do live SL as they do RL and they are open about who they are and try to behave the same way. Or are they?

More Categories for Submissives

This was written by Diane Vera and published in Lesbian S/M Safety Manual, from Alyson Press, Copyright 1984 and 1988.

1. NON-SUBMISSIVE MASOCHIST or KINKY SENSUALIST

Not into servitude, humiliation or giving up control; just pain and/or spiced-up sensuality, on the masochist’s own terms and for the masochist’s own direct pleasure (i.e. turned on solely/mainly by one’s own bodily sensations rather than by being “used” to gratify one’s partner’s sadism).

2. PSEUDO-SUBMISSIVE NON-SLAVE
Not into even playing “slave,” but into other “submissive” role-playing, e.g. schoolteacher scenes, infantilism, “forced” transvestitism. Usually into humiliation, but NOT into servitude, even in play. Dictates the scene to a large degree.
3.     PSEUDO-SUBMISSIVE PLAY SLAVE
Likes to play at being a slave; likes to feel subservient; may in some cases like to feel one is being “used” to gratify partner’s sadism; may even really serve the dominant in some ways, but only on the “slave’s” own terms. Dictates the scene to a large degree; often fetishistic (e.g. foot worshippers).
4.     TRUE SUBMISSIVE NON-SLAVE
Really gives up control (only temporarily and within agreed-upon limits), but gets her/his main satisfaction from aspects of submission other than serving or being used by the dominant. Usually turned on by suspense, vulnerability, and/or giving up reasonability. Doesn’t dictate the scene except in very general terms, but still seek mainly her/his own direct/pleasure (rather than getting one’s pleasure mainly from pleasing the dominant).
5.     TRUE SUBMISSIVE PLAY SLAVE
Really gives up control (though only temporarily; only during brief “scenes” and within limits) and gets main satisfaction from serving/being used by dominant-but only for FUN purposes, usually erotic. May/may not be into pain. If so, is turned on by pain indirectly, i.e. enjoys being the object of one’s partner’s sadism, on which the submissive places very few requirements or restrictions.
6.     UNCOMMITTED SHORT-TERM BUT MORE THAN PLAY SEMI-SLAVE
Really gives up control (usually within limits); wants to serve and be used by the dominant; wants to provide practical/non erotic as well as fun/erotic services; but only when the “slave” is in the mood. May even act as a full-time slave for, say, several days at a time, but is free to quit at any time (or at the end of the agreed upon several days). May or may not have long-term relationship with one’s Mistress, but, either way, the “slave” has the final say over when she will serve.
7.     PART-TIME CONSENSUAL-BUT REAL SLAVE
Has an ongoing commitment to an owner/slave relationship and regards oneself as the dominant’s property at all times. Wants to obey and please Dom(me) in all aspects of life-practical/non erotic and fun/erotic. Devotes most of time to other commitments (e.g. job) but Dom(me) has first pick of the slave’s free time.
8.     FULL-TIME LIVE IN CONSENSUAL SLAVE
Within no more than a few broad limits/requirements, the slave regards herself/himself as existing solely for the Dom(me)’s pleasure/well being. Slave in turn expects to be regarded as a prized possession. Not much different from the situation of the traditional housewife, except that within the S/M world the slave’s position is more likely to be fully consensual, especially if the slave is male. Within the S/M world, a full time “slave” arrangement is entered into with an explicit awareness of the magnitude carefully, with more awareness of the magnitude of power that is being given up, and hence is usually entered into much more carefully, with more awareness of the possible dangers, and with much clearer and more specific agreements than usually precede the traditional marriage.
9.     CONSENSUAL TOTAL SLAVE WITH NO LIMITS
A common fantasy ideal which probably doesn’t exist in real life (except in authoritarian religious cults and other situations where the “consent” is induced by brainwashing and/or social or economic pressures, and hence isn’t fully consensual). A few S/M purists will insist that you aren’t really a slave unless you’re willing to do absolutely anything for your Dom(me), with no limits at all. I’ve met a few people who claimed to be no-limit slaves, but in all cases I have reason to doubt the claim.

Submissive Types

The other day I read the paragraphs below in a tumblr post. I will admit that tumblr is not an authoritative source but this made me think. Read this first:

” There are three types of subs:

A sexual sub is someone only who pleases when he is horny. we call this type of sub a bedroom only sub. many of these subs in time learn to please their Dom/Domme outside the bedroom.

Abused sub is one who was abused early in life. there are those who submit to be abused. these type of subs should seek mental health.

The natural sub is sub I am interested in, he likes to be controlled. is happy when his master/Dom/Domme is happy. a natural sub is born to please others. Just because a person is a natural sub, doesn’t mean he is a doormat and can be walked over by any person. He just likes to please his ONE. I am only interested in natural subs.”

If you have read most of my posts you will realize that I believe in the natural sub, but the question is “how many type of subs are there?”

Hard question to answer, I did some research and found at least ten different categories (The Bottom, The Bedroom Submissive, The Psychological Submissive, The Slave Hear Submissive, The Slave, and more).

What concerned me was the definition of the Abused Sub. When being online in Second Life it is difficult to know what is happening in the other side of the computer. I am certainly under control in my side and what appears to be in control during the scenario in Second Life. If there is an abuse issue, is that person hurting themselves physically or even further psychologically if he/she is engaged in a BDSM scenario in SL? What is my responsibility of trying to identify this? How much should I probe, what is real and what is not?

All very difficult questions, which have left me think seriously about how to engage submissives online. Many do fit in the category of natural subs but I recommend that before engaging in the darker parts of BDSM, everyone needs to make sure you are not dealing with someone in the Abused Sub  category.

How to Spot a Good Domme (Part 2)

The post that follows is part 2 of a post that is making the Internet rounds under the title “How to Spot a Good Dominant” by author unknown. It is about spotting a male Dominant. I have edited the post and added some elements to make it pertain to women and Second Life instead. If I ever find the author of the original one, I will notify her/him. Here it goes:

How to spot a good Domme

– A Domme will be very cautious in selecting you because she knows you have great desires, hopes, and dreams, and it is she that has to live up to them. Above all things she will wish to be good for you. She attempts to choose wisely but may at first make many mistakes in her choices as she finds her way.

– A Domme will make mistakes and have no fear admitting them. The Domme knows that she is not All Knowing, for she is human. A Domme who believes she never makes mistakes or does not admit to them with good cheer is most likely not a Domme.

– A Domme will not beg for anything from you. She will simply wait till you’re dying to send her your naughty pictures unsolicited and accept them with lady like composure.

– A Domme will never lie about being married or already having a girlfriend. If she’s married to vanilla, she’ll simply say so. If she’s dating vanilla, she’ll break up with her before venturing in with another (less she’s doing a poly thing and brings her along, or in an open relationship). The Domme is straightforward, will wish to be plain about her true desires and needs, and if she is attached, will be forthcoming with that information.

– A Domme won’t lie about much, though she surely will keep some of her thoughts from you. A Dom who feels swallowing golden showers to be right up your alley may well know telling you straight out might have you running for cover. This is not in itself lying, she’s just taking the appropriate steps first and at the speed she thinks you can absorb them (she may well discard such thoughts as she gets to know you). The lying ‘domme’ will have an agenda that has no bearing on your needs. The real Domme wants no part of someone for whom she cannot be good. A woman who attempts to get with a woman she cannot handle or vice versa is desperate.

– A Domme will not be heavy handed in her approach. She will be skilled at drawing you in, opening you up, making you feel at ease or on edge (depending on her tastes). Her efforts will seem effortless; even aloof at times. She will grow on you. Capture you. Enlighten you and make things seem clear that may have been once blurry. You will feel better about yourself when communicating with her (even if your desire is to live in debasement!). Only an impostor will try to tear you down in order to raise herself to higher ground. The dominate gets off by watching you soar, not fall.

In essence, taking on a submissive is both invigorating and empowering yet also a humbling experience. She may err constantly, particularly if she is new. Yet she will always, always strive to be better, and though longs and seeks challenge, she will avoid that which she knows she cannot handle, or will in some near future be unable to handle. It may take time but she will understand her own limits as well as her submissive’s.

A submissive is a truckload of challenge (ask their ex-vanilla lovers), and so the Domme needs you like she needs air. She wants your worship not simply for worship sake but because she has gone beyond the call of the norm, ventured into the realm of risk, and passing across the dangerous abyss where footing is treacherous, hopefully breaks into the sunshine of success offering you something glorious. THAT alone is why she seeks your worship; because she has earned it and deserves it.

If a woman does not seek risk and challenge in her life, if she wishes worship without venturing her ego, if she does not persist continually toward excellence in handling a woman as she does in many things, she is not a Domme.

How to Spot a Good Domme (Part I)

The post that follows is making the Internet rounds under the title “How to Spot a Good Dominant” by author unknown. It is about spotting a male Dominant. I have edited the post and added some elements to make it pertain to women and Second Life instead. If I ever find the author of the original one, I will notify her/him. Here it goes:

How to spot a good Domme!

– A Domme will not start off by with, ‘Bow down on your knees upon receipt of my instant message!’ There seems to be many complaints from women about this kind of ploy as first introduction, and this is reason alone to ‘block n’ move on.’ (I would advise anyone to use this tactic often and liberally rather than engage in arguments, or (if you are submissive), obligated in some way to engage with them …life is too short.). Ignore the Insta-Domme.

– A Domme will not seem ‘desperate’ for your attention. Finding a submissive or finding someone to have sex with is not her problem; she can find women on many SIMs, at dances, or in a shopping SIM. She knows women, and women are drawn to her. Lesbian women, kink or vanilla, prefer a woman who is take-charge both in the bedroom and in life. If a ‘Domme’ becomes frantic, anxious, or despairing because you don’t IM her back every other hour, chances are she has a hard time with being submissive. The good news is desperation is easy to spot.

– A Domme most often will be successful, a maverick, or at least happy in her chosen role in SL and in life. If she has had some bad luck in his past, it will be fleeting, for she will strive relentlessly to place her universe back into the order mandatory for her existence. If the Domme languishes in a poorly made avatar, doesn’t seem to have the means to set-up a home or get some land, hates everything about SL and has a million qualifiers in her profile about who should talk to her, then, most likely, her dominance is merely a cover-up to appease her lack of success and her self-esteem. Though she may not be a millionaire in SL, look for the woman who is happy, confident, unique, and/or successful in her chosen endeavors in SL.

– A Domme will be very interested in you, and not just your sexual needs (though they will certainly get her attention). She will see you as a puzzle, and desire to make sense of that puzzle. The Domme  loves challenge and that in essence is why so many submissives find disillusion in the vanilla world; most women do not seek challenge in sensuality, they fear it. Submissive women are the most challenging of lovers for they have great fantasy. Their fantasies often require a woman to move far outside normal gestures and that requires both skill and creativity.

– A Domme is likely to be damn good in creating a D/s scene in SL. Most women have their hands full with straight-up vanilla sex. The Domme has either mastered or has no interest in such elementary play, at least not all the time. Making a woman orgasm many times has left her bereft of sport, so she now seeks a woman who will challenge her on other levels. The Domme is going to have a good understanding of the female anatomy, a good use of the language that both people use in SL, and will persist in finding the keys to your body and mind. She certainly will be advanced in the sexuality that can be created in SL

– A Domme may have all the accoutrement of kink (the whips, chains, the castle), but she will not need them to be Domme. A whisper, a word, an emote, a swagger, a well-placed paragraph, and the deftly use of the visual tools of SL (pose balls, equipment, etc…) are the essence of her talent. Confidence is her weapon of choice, not bragging about her dungeon. Those who tout their toys too highly might well be lacking in other departments.