Submissives Must Not Be Doormats

Joey W. Hill writes about BDSM. One of my favorite quotes from her is: “If my Master is lost, I’ll find him. I’ll lead him back to himself, because to serve doesn’t always mean to follow.”

The reason I am quoting her now is because recently in several profiles  I’ve seen the following quote from Anais Nin “I do not want to be the leader. I refuse to be the leader. I want to live darkly and richly in my femaleness. I want a man lying over me, always over me. His will, his pleasure, his desire, his life, his work, his sexuality the touchstone, the command, my pivot.”  Some see this quote as the ultimate meaning of being a submissive.

I would argue that to believe that one can have a successful D/s relationship as a submissive while giving up all responsibility for taking the lead at times is not only flawed but it’s self-destructive to both Domme and sub.

This is what I’ve encountered in SL more than just a few times. When these subs express this to me, then I tell them that what they really want is to be a slave and not have any choice, but they correct me. In fact what they want is for the Domme to do all the work for them.

Contrary to popular myth, a Domme is not some infallible and omnipotent being. A Domme is human and subject to human stresses, pressures, emotions, and needs. Sometimes that seeming rock of a Domme succumbs to the pressures of life, work, relationships, family, or loss, and suddenly does not seem so Domme. A Domme can lose her way every bit as much as can a submissive. Many Dommes, when confronted with overwhelming pressures or loss, will slip into their cave of self-imposed exile and retreat from the world.

They often do not express themselves and the weight that they bear. That is part of what makes them seem so Domme. Yet to the intimate D/s submissive partner, this self-imposed isolation by a Domme can feel like rejection. When the Domme withdraws, the submissive can themselves feel lost.

With that in mind, reading the Joey Hill quote again. “If my Mistress is lost, I’ll find him. I’ll lead him back to herself, because to serve does not always mean to follow.” I would argue that when a Mistress is not feeling so terribly Dominant, when a Domme is not feeling so terribly in control of their world, it is indeed the hour of glory for a submissive to truly shine in her devotion.

Under these circumstances, leading a Mistress back to themselves is not an exercise in brattiness or challenging them to be Domme, or to take action of some sort. No. This is the moment when a submissive can lead her Domme back to hersefl by being the most devoted and submissive self. It is leadership through service. Not badgering or shaming the Domme about poor performance, that only makes matters worse.

The submissive leads her Domme back to her dominance by giving them what they seem to have momentarily lost in life; control. Through loving devotion and service, the submissive gives her Domme what she has lost, and in so doing slowly breathes life back into her own Mistress. This is not leadership in the overt traditional sense of command and control, or even leadership by example. This is leadership through service and devotion.

Ultimately, by leadership through service a submissive leads her Mistress back to being her most authentic self.

 

 

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Advice for New Dominants (Part 2)

7. Ask questions.

Ask as many questions as you can of who you can. You can learn something from almost everyone, even if it is what not to do or what you don’t want to do. The more questions you ask of individuals the more informed you will become. And don’t limit yourself to just Dominants. There are submissives and slaves out there with a wealth of experience and knowledge who you can draw from as well. Their knowledge is just as valid as a Dominants, so talk to them.

It is not a sign of weakness to ask someone.

8. Just because you saw someone do it, doesn’t mean you can.

So you were at a D/s SIM and you saw a Mistress interacting with a sub in an interesting or kinky way. She made it look so easy that you are sure, with your vast intelligence, that you can do it as well, right?

Perhaps not!

The reason she made it look easy is because probably she has been doing it for a while. She probably has practiced on others and learn from her mistakes, and has learn to refine what to say and what the sequence of events will be to get the best enjoyment out of the situation, and to get the best out of the submissive.

So when you see something that you would like to learn, try and ask questions or watch carefully at the sequence of events. Make notes, and notice the reactions of the sub and of others around it. Of course in SL may be difficult because they may be engaged in private IMs, but it never hurts to ask.

Attend classes, many SIMs do this. If they are giving a demonstration, then they are there to answer questions, so ask them and make sure you learn all the details.

This is very true with RLV, nothing can kill the mood or send someone running away than the wrong use of RLV.

9. Honor someone’s relationship dynamic.

Many people have many different dynamics and protocols in this lifestyle. When in doubt, ask questions. Once you learn the relationship dynamics, do not dismiss them simply because you think they are silly. In reality, they may be. But if you are or want to interact with individuals who have a certain dynamic/protocol, there are only two options. Either honor it to associate with them or don’t deal with them at all.

Since that is what they have decided for themselves, your opinion will have little or no impact, so complaining or whining about it will do nothing. One day you may develop dynamics or protocols that others may find strange. Think how you would want to be treated in that situation and then behave accordingly. It’s funny how there are those who will ask to touch someone’s toys but think they can treat someone’s partner however they want.

If you are using SL as a video game where you get to play a Dominant person in god mode, then you will never learn how enjoyable it is to have a submissive that is 100% loyal to you, because she is getting what she expects to get.

10. Don’t measure yourself by someone else.

You have to develop your own style. Don’t do things just because someone else is doing them or it seems cool or because the hot little potential sub is really begging for it. If it’s not for you, it’s not for you. People are best at what truly inspires them not because of what is cool and hip. While, like high school, there is peer pressure in the BDSM scene/lifestyle, you have the choice as to whether or not you follow it, or follow your own path.

11. Keep an open mind.

There are things as a new person that you do not like that in 2 or 3 or 10 years you will totally be into. Be sure to try out and learn about different things. You never know what turns you off today will totally rock your socks tomorrow. So keep an open eye and an open mind. It will work to your benefit in the long run.

 

 

Advice for New Dominants (Part 1)

Recently we were discussing this item at the Chateau Lesbiennes de Roissy, as we had a couple of new Mistresses being considered for admittance. What advice could be give them besides the technical parts of SL. So this list is the result of six of us thinking about it.

1. You will make mistakes

New Dominants WILL make mistakes. It’s a fact of life. To be fair, experienced Dominants will make mistakes. Intermediate Dominants will make mistakes. If you are a Dominant or think you want to be a Dominant, you will make a mistake. Accept it and move on.

The only thing that makes a mistake worse is not learning from it. Mistakes are opportunities to grow and learn. Talk to people about them. Figure out what went wrong then incorporate that and try not to do it again.

If you act like everything you do is perfect and without flaw, then you are just playing a game.

2. Beating someone does not make you a Dominant.

Anyone can sit on a ball, grab a whip, flogger, or put someone on bondage in a machine. Simply because you have become adept at using equipment, or using RLV is not the mark of a Dominant. At best, it makes you a Top. Being a Top is not the same as being a Dominant. 

There is much more to being a Dominant than simply engaging in play. Do not confuse what happens in a scene as who you really are inside.

3. Be realistic about who and what you are.

If you give yourself a title such as Mistress or Goddess and you are just getting started as a Dominant, prepare to be mocked and laughed at.  True subs will see right through you and will not engage with you, while subs that are starting may go with you but will soon run away. If after a while, the Dominant role is not one that you feel comfortable with, just stop doing it.

The most powerful Dominants for the most part look, and behave very normal. When the sub is interacting with them, the dominance is obvious and the sub just melts into the relationship. Don’t make a mockery of the lifestyle because you thought it would be cool to add Master or Mistress to your name. If it is inside you, it will come out and flourish naturally as you have more experiences. The title will not do it.

4. Don’t measure yourself by someone else.

You have to develop your own style. You have to know what makes you tick and why. Don’t do things just because someone else is doing them or it seems cool or because the hot little potential sub is really begging for it. If it’s not for you, it’s not for you. People are best at what truly inspires them not because of what is cool and hip. While, like high school, there is peer pressure in the BDSM scene/lifestyle, you have the choice as to whether or not you follow it, or follow your own path.

5. Question yourself.

A Dominant who doesn’t question herself isn’t much of a Dominant. One of the tricks to being a good Dominant (if you are interested in such a thing) is looking and re-examining your actions as a Dominant. Figure out what you did and why you did it. The answers will not always come easy and they may not always be pleasant. But self-awareness and introspection are two crucial tools in a Dominants play box. Use them and use them often.

6. Try to figure out what type of Dominant you want to be and work at it.

The concept that there are many different types of Dominants and submissives (see a previous post for submissive types) seems to escape many people. Some Dominants may be sensual, caring, and very nice while others may be sadistic, cruel, and a mean person. What type you will be is up to you. But when you find a style that fits, run with it. You will find subs that match your style, don’t try to fit a sensual sub to your style, if you are a sadistic Dominant and vice-versa. Always be the best you can be by learning as much as you can about that particular style, infusing your own style along with it. And don’t be afraid to switch gears when its not working for you. After all, SL is a great platform for change and experimentation and you are in control.

Stay tuned for Part II.

Full Disclosure Please

As always, in a long chat with my friends we started talking about something that has happened to all of us at least once (to me many more times than that), and that is the lack of full disclosure from the sub about who they are in real life and what they really want.

So far, we’ve seen three scenarios play out:

Domme that wants to be sub but not a switch – In this scenario you are approached by a fellow “Domme” and she compliments you on your looks, profile, etc. Then you get to talk about subs and how she is so experienced with them, has a couple and somehow the conversation starts turning into how she doesn’t mind giving up control to another Domme so both can “play” together. Or words to that effect. Talk about topping from the bottom. If they are really submissive then act like it right away and don’t try to fool anyone. I lose all respect for you if you approach me this way. What other tricks will you try to play.

Sub that wants to be your sub so she can Domme you later on –  I can spot these type very quickly, as their questions, profile, look, and overall demeanor don’t show any submissive traits. At  least with this type I don’t waste very much time.

Gender switching – We’ve all been there when after two months of cultivating a sub, developing a good relationship, starting to develop trust, and everything going well, he/she drops the bomb. “err…. Mistress I have something important to tell you” … Yes?  “In RL I am a boy (or girl if it is a man). We all agreed that this is the biggest turn off and disappointment that we experience. Hey most of us will Domme a man even though we prefer women. I will even go as far to say that I don’t mind feminizing a guy over a period of time, but in either case, they really need to disclose who they are when the question is asked.

In a previous post I did talk of how I ask early on, but even though most disclose, the few that don’t always seem to disclose at the moment the relationship is about to go to a higher plane. Why then? Probably because they have been feeling guilty all along.

In our discussion about one-third of the Mistresses said that they would forgive them and keep on going, but the remaining two-thirds would not. I am in the latter group, and to me lack of full disclosure is a show stopper and an immediate break in the relationship. Of course after that the alt invariably shows up.

Just tell the truth from the beginning.

How to Spot a Good Domme (Part 2)

The post that follows is part 2 of a post that is making the Internet rounds under the title “How to Spot a Good Dominant” by author unknown. It is about spotting a male Dominant. I have edited the post and added some elements to make it pertain to women and Second Life instead. If I ever find the author of the original one, I will notify her/him. Here it goes:

How to spot a good Domme

– A Domme will be very cautious in selecting you because she knows you have great desires, hopes, and dreams, and it is she that has to live up to them. Above all things she will wish to be good for you. She attempts to choose wisely but may at first make many mistakes in her choices as she finds her way.

– A Domme will make mistakes and have no fear admitting them. The Domme knows that she is not All Knowing, for she is human. A Domme who believes she never makes mistakes or does not admit to them with good cheer is most likely not a Domme.

– A Domme will not beg for anything from you. She will simply wait till you’re dying to send her your naughty pictures unsolicited and accept them with lady like composure.

– A Domme will never lie about being married or already having a girlfriend. If she’s married to vanilla, she’ll simply say so. If she’s dating vanilla, she’ll break up with her before venturing in with another (less she’s doing a poly thing and brings her along, or in an open relationship). The Domme is straightforward, will wish to be plain about her true desires and needs, and if she is attached, will be forthcoming with that information.

– A Domme won’t lie about much, though she surely will keep some of her thoughts from you. A Dom who feels swallowing golden showers to be right up your alley may well know telling you straight out might have you running for cover. This is not in itself lying, she’s just taking the appropriate steps first and at the speed she thinks you can absorb them (she may well discard such thoughts as she gets to know you). The lying ‘domme’ will have an agenda that has no bearing on your needs. The real Domme wants no part of someone for whom she cannot be good. A woman who attempts to get with a woman she cannot handle or vice versa is desperate.

– A Domme will not be heavy handed in her approach. She will be skilled at drawing you in, opening you up, making you feel at ease or on edge (depending on her tastes). Her efforts will seem effortless; even aloof at times. She will grow on you. Capture you. Enlighten you and make things seem clear that may have been once blurry. You will feel better about yourself when communicating with her (even if your desire is to live in debasement!). Only an impostor will try to tear you down in order to raise herself to higher ground. The dominate gets off by watching you soar, not fall.

In essence, taking on a submissive is both invigorating and empowering yet also a humbling experience. She may err constantly, particularly if she is new. Yet she will always, always strive to be better, and though longs and seeks challenge, she will avoid that which she knows she cannot handle, or will in some near future be unable to handle. It may take time but she will understand her own limits as well as her submissive’s.

A submissive is a truckload of challenge (ask their ex-vanilla lovers), and so the Domme needs you like she needs air. She wants your worship not simply for worship sake but because she has gone beyond the call of the norm, ventured into the realm of risk, and passing across the dangerous abyss where footing is treacherous, hopefully breaks into the sunshine of success offering you something glorious. THAT alone is why she seeks your worship; because she has earned it and deserves it.

If a woman does not seek risk and challenge in her life, if she wishes worship without venturing her ego, if she does not persist continually toward excellence in handling a woman as she does in many things, she is not a Domme.

How to Spot a Good Domme (Part I)

The post that follows is making the Internet rounds under the title “How to Spot a Good Dominant” by author unknown. It is about spotting a male Dominant. I have edited the post and added some elements to make it pertain to women and Second Life instead. If I ever find the author of the original one, I will notify her/him. Here it goes:

How to spot a good Domme!

– A Domme will not start off by with, ‘Bow down on your knees upon receipt of my instant message!’ There seems to be many complaints from women about this kind of ploy as first introduction, and this is reason alone to ‘block n’ move on.’ (I would advise anyone to use this tactic often and liberally rather than engage in arguments, or (if you are submissive), obligated in some way to engage with them …life is too short.). Ignore the Insta-Domme.

– A Domme will not seem ‘desperate’ for your attention. Finding a submissive or finding someone to have sex with is not her problem; she can find women on many SIMs, at dances, or in a shopping SIM. She knows women, and women are drawn to her. Lesbian women, kink or vanilla, prefer a woman who is take-charge both in the bedroom and in life. If a ‘Domme’ becomes frantic, anxious, or despairing because you don’t IM her back every other hour, chances are she has a hard time with being submissive. The good news is desperation is easy to spot.

– A Domme most often will be successful, a maverick, or at least happy in her chosen role in SL and in life. If she has had some bad luck in his past, it will be fleeting, for she will strive relentlessly to place her universe back into the order mandatory for her existence. If the Domme languishes in a poorly made avatar, doesn’t seem to have the means to set-up a home or get some land, hates everything about SL and has a million qualifiers in her profile about who should talk to her, then, most likely, her dominance is merely a cover-up to appease her lack of success and her self-esteem. Though she may not be a millionaire in SL, look for the woman who is happy, confident, unique, and/or successful in her chosen endeavors in SL.

– A Domme will be very interested in you, and not just your sexual needs (though they will certainly get her attention). She will see you as a puzzle, and desire to make sense of that puzzle. The Domme  loves challenge and that in essence is why so many submissives find disillusion in the vanilla world; most women do not seek challenge in sensuality, they fear it. Submissive women are the most challenging of lovers for they have great fantasy. Their fantasies often require a woman to move far outside normal gestures and that requires both skill and creativity.

– A Domme is likely to be damn good in creating a D/s scene in SL. Most women have their hands full with straight-up vanilla sex. The Domme has either mastered or has no interest in such elementary play, at least not all the time. Making a woman orgasm many times has left her bereft of sport, so she now seeks a woman who will challenge her on other levels. The Domme is going to have a good understanding of the female anatomy, a good use of the language that both people use in SL, and will persist in finding the keys to your body and mind. She certainly will be advanced in the sexuality that can be created in SL

– A Domme may have all the accoutrement of kink (the whips, chains, the castle), but she will not need them to be Domme. A whisper, a word, an emote, a swagger, a well-placed paragraph, and the deftly use of the visual tools of SL (pose balls, equipment, etc…) are the essence of her talent. Confidence is her weapon of choice, not bragging about her dungeon. Those who tout their toys too highly might well be lacking in other departments.

The Contents of a Sub’s Inventory Matter

Last night I was talking with a new person in SL (will try not to use av anymore, since we are all people). She was only about fifteen days old and was a bit frustrated about how Mistresses didn’t want to have anything with her because of her SL age.

I can understand her frustration since we all were there once and back in my newbie days I could barely keep my hair in between TPs but yet I expected for people to talk to me as if I was part of the group already.

As the conversation progressed, I got to thinking of how the inventory that a sub already has really makes a difference.

If she already had cuffs, gag, harness, collar, maybe iControl, a Mars Ring, etc…, it would make the life for a Mistress that much easier. I enjoy good BDSM equipment to be used along in the play, specially if I am familiar with it allowing me to make easier transitions with my words as I make the sub do different things to please me or to punish her.

Even better if the sub has already set #RLV folders and she lets you know ahead of time, or you discover them when you are using the collar. The flow of the words is seamless.

So the newbie sub didn’t have any of these equipment. I recommended that she get some of the basics, and look for good quality freebies. The main issue of course being that the amount of equipment out there is very large. Some key systems for cuffs, harnesses, and gags requires a course on their use. It is frustrating in some cases and in others it causes the sub to run away because the equipment takes away from the flow of each interaction.

I told her “you can see how this is frustrating and some Mistresses prefer someone that has been around and possibly has some equipment that is common in SL.”

Of course the other side of this coin is this: Should the Mistress buy all the equipment for the sub? Or make her buy it all. Some subs believe that the Mistress is fully responsible (financially of course), for getting each sub equipped.

The way I do it is simple. I tell the sub that this is a shared arrangement. I pay for the land and the house where we live, I will buy certain things for her, and she is responsible for the rest of the things that I want. She can find freebies or buy them, but I have to approve all the purchases ahead of time so that way I know what I will be working with. That is not too much to ask.

Inventory does matter in the beginnings of a D/s SL relationship.

Limits? or Limiting Fun?

So hanging out at the Secret House and read a profile that goes something like this in the 2nd Life tab:

“Very submissive …. willing to do anything for my Mistress including transformation and total power exchange. If my Mistress takes pleasure in doing something to me, that is my pleasure.”

OK …. Looking good so far. So I turn to the Picks area and there is a limits tab so let’s see what she puts in there:

No RLV restrictions
No mutilation
No kill
No messing with my hair
No collar
No voice, phone, or cam 
No restriction of my ability to communicate or travel in SL
Let’s have some fun together

Her limits have just eliminated 40% of the BDSM experience and it is obvious that all she wants to do is have a quick session of play and move on. How can you have TPE with all these limits? By the time everything is followed it starts to look like vanilla sex.

Just a quick thought for tonight. I did IM the AV and she continued to tell me things that she didn’t like and wasn’t willing to do. That hit one on my hard limits “submissives that are not really submissives.”

No thank you !!!.

Good Hangout Places

People keep asking me where are all the good places to hang-out and indulge in the BDSM life style with other women.

I actually have been compiling a list and rating places and will publish it next week so stay tuned.

In the mean time, I have to say that there are very few places that cater strictly to Mistresses and female subs and that are worth visiting.

So if you have visited the Secret House, Amelie’s Garden and Dungeon, or the Lesbian Society, you have come close to the only places that cater strictly to women BDSM fetishes and where the clientele know what they are doing in the BDSM world. Only women are allowed and normally it is strictly enforced (a more in depth review next week of these and other places).

There are hundreds of other SIMS that cater to BDSM but normally it is women and men at the same time, or the women only place is just a mixture of video game players looking to act out BDSM and not women that really feel it inside and are serious about it. In these places you will find a large group of switches  (see my previous post on switching).

What to do? I say start in one of the first three that I mentioned above and stay there for a while. Traffic will come. What is the sense of going to a place that has a good reputation and semi-decent traffic just to arrive don’t see anyone around and poof away. Stick around and you will be surprised what can happen.

Eager Subs?

So last year I would go AFK in a friend’s club so she could get her traffic up (yes turn me in to LL please), and when I returned after about 12 hours away, I had a string of IMs from an av that I didn’t know and was obviously an eager sub.

It roughly went like this (trying to remember now):

– Hello Miss, are you on?

– Sorry

Then in open chat there was the message that she had made me an owner in her collar. Mind you I’m AFK and I don’t know this person at all. I know I’m powerful but that’s a bit much power. (continuing)

– thank you for collaring me Miss

– are you angry with me?

– I know you are not online today, but are you angry?

– please talk to me

What is wrong with this picture?

This has to be the most eager sub I’ve ever encountered.

A tip to all subs out there, this type (or very similar) behavior will not get you collared, and if a Mistress collars you based on this, you are in for a rocky and short relationship.

Do things at the right time and place.