Dominant Happiness

After meeting yet another “topping from the bottom” submissive, I’ve come to the conclusion that the main characteristics a submissive should display to see if she fits me, is her desire to service my needs and happiness. Let me explain.

In the “topping from the bottom” case, you get a relationship in which the Dominant is focused on controlling the submissive.

In this case the submissive wants a woman who is stern and focused on correcting their mistakes in a harsh way, punishing them and emotionally abusing them. They crave rejection. They want to be controlled. They want to feel fear of the woman they are with. They are usually masochists; people who enjoy pain.

If you meet a woman who openly expresses her desires to submit, ask her what kind of relationship she wants and pay attention to her response. If she uses the words ‘authority’ or ‘control’ it is likely that she desires a relationship that is centered around her.

In this kind of relationship, you wind up constantly paying attention to her, nagging her and punishing her. Your free time is spent thinking of ways to keep her entertained. I’ve asked several submissives what caused their breakup with their last Dominant and a lot of them mentioned their dissatisfaction because they want their Dominants to do more for them, punish them more, tease them more and deny them sexual pleasures, want them to come into SL every time the submissive is in SL, etc. See? Notice that the answers are all about the submissive and not about the Dominant. It’s all about them.

This is the wrong focus (at least for me). Her focus should be all about the Dominant, and not about the Dominant satisfying their desires. It isn’t surprising that many of the Dominants that tolerate or like this behavior eventually end up in their knees as submissives looking for the same thing. I’ve seen this in SL more than I care to recount.

The submissives that expressed complete satisfaction were the ones who focused on the Dominant’s happiness. Her happiness fuels the submissive’s happiness instead of her punishments and control fueling the submissive’s happiness.

So what should it be like?

It should be about a relationship that empowers the Dominant. You should be looking for a submissive that makes your happiness a priority in her life. That is true submission.

If you need help, she helps. When you need love, she offers it. She is always thinking of ways to please you. No dream you could desire is out of her reach, or she will at least try to make it happen in some shape or form. The submissive is delighted to see you achieve even more than she could ever achieve. She won’t complain that you are not ‘dominating’ her enough or meeting her needs. Her needs consist of one thing: ensuring that you are well taken care of and happy.

How can you tell that the submissive wants this type of relationship? Easy. If you express a need, she does not hesitate to secure it. She always says YES to you when you want something done. She doesn’t tell you no when you express that something is important to you. She asks you for your opinion on decisions because she wants to be sure that you are satisfied first.

Her Obsession vs. My Interest

For the past few weeks I have been IMng with a very cute and interesting sub I met at the Lesbian Society. My interest in her was increasing over time, as we seemed to have the right connection. As we chatted it was obvious that she was feeling the same way and was becoming more and more submissive and pliable as time went by.

Then … (as it happens in SL), my RL got a bit hectic and didn’t come to SL as often as I was doing before. As a good communicator I told my prospective sub that I would be off SL for some days, and even went as far as to tell her exactly what days I wouldn’t be on because of RL commitments.

To my surprise (but maybe not since I have seen it before with others)  after being gone for two days, I arrived to a string of emails, that went from “I miss you,” to “What can I do to be your perfect sub,” to “I guess you don’t care about me anymore.”

Like I wrote above, I have seen this before and of course it is a big turn off specially after I thought that I had communicated clearly.

But that is not what this post is all about. I had to give this background information to get to my point.

What I realized – for the first time -, is that her level of commitment to being a sub is so intense that has become obsessive in her life. Now, it could be the addictive aspects of SL, it could be infatuation, or many other things, but her level of engagement is a lot different than mine.

For her being owned and having a Mistress is an obsession, while for me selecting a sub is a long-term process that requires patience, and being able to juggle RL commitments while getting there.

Her obsession doesn’t match my interests at that time. Therefore the relationship is doomed to fail from the start.

In the past I have dismissed this as the person being too needy and immature, but now I know it doesn’t have to be just that. It is also caused by an obsession within that person that is being driven by the same feelings that make her such a good submissive.

The question then becomes, can I change her obsession in the short term so we can have a better relation in the long term.

After I realized this, I did IMng her and expressed my thoughts about her being obsessed, and needing to change her perspective so this wouldn’t jeopardize the long term of the relationship. Her answer was “since you were not here for two days and are not clear about your intentions with me, I have found another Mistress. I am blocking you forever.”

Ok, perhaps she is immature, but perhaps she is being driven by her obsession and not able to think clearly. Will she be the same in SL three years from now?

I can only reference my first few years in SL with my closest friends. Looking back  I was a bit obsessed with my life in SL. Couldn’t wait to get on, would spend full nights at the computer, had the app on my phone, constantly checking and logging in, and I am sure I didn’t have much patience with people that were not around often enough. I made five great friends from those early years, we were all doing the same things together. Today, I barely see them as they have become more selective about their time in SL just like I have. Our friendships are still strong and steady.

That is were I want to get with a sub in SL.