Her Obsession vs. My Interest

For the past few weeks I have been IMng with a very cute and interesting sub I met at the Lesbian Society. My interest in her was increasing over time, as we seemed to have the right connection. As we chatted it was obvious that she was feeling the same way and was becoming more and more submissive and pliable as time went by.

Then … (as it happens in SL), my RL got a bit hectic and didn’t come to SL as often as I was doing before. As a good communicator I told my prospective sub that I would be off SL for some days, and even went as far as to tell her exactly what days I wouldn’t be on because of RL commitments.

To my surprise (but maybe not since I have seen it before with others)  after being gone for two days, I arrived to a string of emails, that went from “I miss you,” to “What can I do to be your perfect sub,” to “I guess you don’t care about me anymore.”

Like I wrote above, I have seen this before and of course it is a big turn off specially after I thought that I had communicated clearly.

But that is not what this post is all about. I had to give this background information to get to my point.

What I realized – for the first time -, is that her level of commitment to being a sub is so intense that has become obsessive in her life. Now, it could be the addictive aspects of SL, it could be infatuation, or many other things, but her level of engagement is a lot different than mine.

For her being owned and having a Mistress is an obsession, while for me selecting a sub is a long-term process that requires patience, and being able to juggle RL commitments while getting there.

Her obsession doesn’t match my interests at that time. Therefore the relationship is doomed to fail from the start.

In the past I have dismissed this as the person being too needy and immature, but now I know it doesn’t have to be just that. It is also caused by an obsession within that person that is being driven by the same feelings that make her such a good submissive.

The question then becomes, can I change her obsession in the short term so we can have a better relation in the long term.

After I realized this, I did IMng her and expressed my thoughts about her being obsessed, and needing to change her perspective so this wouldn’t jeopardize the long term of the relationship. Her answer was “since you were not here for two days and are not clear about your intentions with me, I have found another Mistress. I am blocking you forever.”

Ok, perhaps she is immature, but perhaps she is being driven by her obsession and not able to think clearly. Will she be the same in SL three years from now?

I can only reference my first few years in SL with my closest friends. Looking back  I was a bit obsessed with my life in SL. Couldn’t wait to get on, would spend full nights at the computer, had the app on my phone, constantly checking and logging in, and I am sure I didn’t have much patience with people that were not around often enough. I made five great friends from those early years, we were all doing the same things together. Today, I barely see them as they have become more selective about their time in SL just like I have. Our friendships are still strong and steady.

That is were I want to get with a sub in SL.

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Full Disclosure Please

As always, in a long chat with my friends we started talking about something that has happened to all of us at least once (to me many more times than that), and that is the lack of full disclosure from the sub about who they are in real life and what they really want.

So far, we’ve seen three scenarios play out:

Domme that wants to be sub but not a switch – In this scenario you are approached by a fellow “Domme” and she compliments you on your looks, profile, etc. Then you get to talk about subs and how she is so experienced with them, has a couple and somehow the conversation starts turning into how she doesn’t mind giving up control to another Domme so both can “play” together. Or words to that effect. Talk about topping from the bottom. If they are really submissive then act like it right away and don’t try to fool anyone. I lose all respect for you if you approach me this way. What other tricks will you try to play.

Sub that wants to be your sub so she can Domme you later on –  I can spot these type very quickly, as their questions, profile, look, and overall demeanor don’t show any submissive traits. At  least with this type I don’t waste very much time.

Gender switching – We’ve all been there when after two months of cultivating a sub, developing a good relationship, starting to develop trust, and everything going well, he/she drops the bomb. “err…. Mistress I have something important to tell you” … Yes?  “In RL I am a boy (or girl if it is a man). We all agreed that this is the biggest turn off and disappointment that we experience. Hey most of us will Domme a man even though we prefer women. I will even go as far to say that I don’t mind feminizing a guy over a period of time, but in either case, they really need to disclose who they are when the question is asked.

In a previous post I did talk of how I ask early on, but even though most disclose, the few that don’t always seem to disclose at the moment the relationship is about to go to a higher plane. Why then? Probably because they have been feeling guilty all along.

In our discussion about one-third of the Mistresses said that they would forgive them and keep on going, but the remaining two-thirds would not. I am in the latter group, and to me lack of full disclosure is a show stopper and an immediate break in the relationship. Of course after that the alt invariably shows up.

Just tell the truth from the beginning.

How to Spot a Good Domme (Part I)

The post that follows is making the Internet rounds under the title “How to Spot a Good Dominant” by author unknown. It is about spotting a male Dominant. I have edited the post and added some elements to make it pertain to women and Second Life instead. If I ever find the author of the original one, I will notify her/him. Here it goes:

How to spot a good Domme!

– A Domme will not start off by with, ‘Bow down on your knees upon receipt of my instant message!’ There seems to be many complaints from women about this kind of ploy as first introduction, and this is reason alone to ‘block n’ move on.’ (I would advise anyone to use this tactic often and liberally rather than engage in arguments, or (if you are submissive), obligated in some way to engage with them …life is too short.). Ignore the Insta-Domme.

– A Domme will not seem ‘desperate’ for your attention. Finding a submissive or finding someone to have sex with is not her problem; she can find women on many SIMs, at dances, or in a shopping SIM. She knows women, and women are drawn to her. Lesbian women, kink or vanilla, prefer a woman who is take-charge both in the bedroom and in life. If a ‘Domme’ becomes frantic, anxious, or despairing because you don’t IM her back every other hour, chances are she has a hard time with being submissive. The good news is desperation is easy to spot.

– A Domme most often will be successful, a maverick, or at least happy in her chosen role in SL and in life. If she has had some bad luck in his past, it will be fleeting, for she will strive relentlessly to place her universe back into the order mandatory for her existence. If the Domme languishes in a poorly made avatar, doesn’t seem to have the means to set-up a home or get some land, hates everything about SL and has a million qualifiers in her profile about who should talk to her, then, most likely, her dominance is merely a cover-up to appease her lack of success and her self-esteem. Though she may not be a millionaire in SL, look for the woman who is happy, confident, unique, and/or successful in her chosen endeavors in SL.

– A Domme will be very interested in you, and not just your sexual needs (though they will certainly get her attention). She will see you as a puzzle, and desire to make sense of that puzzle. The Domme  loves challenge and that in essence is why so many submissives find disillusion in the vanilla world; most women do not seek challenge in sensuality, they fear it. Submissive women are the most challenging of lovers for they have great fantasy. Their fantasies often require a woman to move far outside normal gestures and that requires both skill and creativity.

– A Domme is likely to be damn good in creating a D/s scene in SL. Most women have their hands full with straight-up vanilla sex. The Domme has either mastered or has no interest in such elementary play, at least not all the time. Making a woman orgasm many times has left her bereft of sport, so she now seeks a woman who will challenge her on other levels. The Domme is going to have a good understanding of the female anatomy, a good use of the language that both people use in SL, and will persist in finding the keys to your body and mind. She certainly will be advanced in the sexuality that can be created in SL

– A Domme may have all the accoutrement of kink (the whips, chains, the castle), but she will not need them to be Domme. A whisper, a word, an emote, a swagger, a well-placed paragraph, and the deftly use of the visual tools of SL (pose balls, equipment, etc…) are the essence of her talent. Confidence is her weapon of choice, not bragging about her dungeon. Those who tout their toys too highly might well be lacking in other departments.

Give a noob a chance?

This is a loaded question. First of all, what is a noob?

I define it as anyone in SL for less than 45 days. I know this is an arbitrary definition but can do as well as any other.

Based on that definition, should a Domme attempt to get into a relationship with someone that is just barely learning how to navigate SL?

Some Mistresses do and some don’t.

I for one try to understand the person as we chat. If they are truly brand new to SL (and not some alt playing head games) I tend towards not pursuing the relationship. Two reasons why:

– If they are brand new, they really haven’t experienced all the things that SL has to offer and probably are in the throes of their initial addiction jumping from Mistress to Mistress to satisfy the feelings that they are pursuing. They are just learning how to use equipment, build an inventory that is good for both them and their Mistress, etc…

– The chances are very high (and have confirmed this with several others), that the relationship won’t last since the slow beginning of most relationship will put the noob in a position of wanting to get out and know more. As a Mistress wrote in her profile “If you are looking for a Mistress and you don’t understand your own self I am probably not for you”

That really sums up the feeling that you may get from trying to dominate a noob. Are they really clear on what they want and who they are? I prefer that they explore a little more because the two of us may not be compatible at all.

By the way, in my profile Picks I explain my philosophy towards noobs so there will not be any misunderstandings.

Of course others reject noobs because of the way the look, lack of AO, no SLINK hands or feet. You name it. That of course is up to each person but seems to me a bit shallow.

Limits? or Limiting Fun?

So hanging out at the Secret House and read a profile that goes something like this in the 2nd Life tab:

“Very submissive …. willing to do anything for my Mistress including transformation and total power exchange. If my Mistress takes pleasure in doing something to me, that is my pleasure.”

OK …. Looking good so far. So I turn to the Picks area and there is a limits tab so let’s see what she puts in there:

No RLV restrictions
No mutilation
No kill
No messing with my hair
No collar
No voice, phone, or cam 
No restriction of my ability to communicate or travel in SL
Let’s have some fun together

Her limits have just eliminated 40% of the BDSM experience and it is obvious that all she wants to do is have a quick session of play and move on. How can you have TPE with all these limits? By the time everything is followed it starts to look like vanilla sex.

Just a quick thought for tonight. I did IM the AV and she continued to tell me things that she didn’t like and wasn’t willing to do. That hit one on my hard limits “submissives that are not really submissives.”

No thank you !!!.

RLV or not RLV? That is the question.

So the conversation suddenly turned into the merits of RLV for use in SL so I decided to do a piece on RLV.

What is RLV? It is short for “Restrained Love Viewer.” Talk about a loaded set of words. We are going to restrain your love inside your viewer. In reality is a way for one avatar to control another avatar in many ways.

One of the main tenants of the BDSM lifestyle is that it should be consensual and that one person is allow to exert control over another in mental and physical settings. RLV allows the duplication of the physical control in SL. The system is based on one avatar giving permission to another (consent) to control their SL experience in the viewer. To make it clear, RLV is not one script that allows control, it is a module (within the viewer) that takes functions that are built into the viewer and allows one avatar to control them for another.

Let me give you an example. As you know there is a function inside the viewer that allows you to teleport your friends to your location. This is built into the viewer and as you know makes your experience much better (pushy DJs trying to get you to their event notwithstanding). Using RLV you could force your friend to teleport (existing function) to you without their permission or without them having to push any buttons. As you can see this is control, and that is part of a D/s relationship.

So take any function in the viewer and image that another person can run it for you. Put clothes on and off, stop you from IMs. stop you from teleporting, restricting your camera view, etc…..

This control is part of the appeal of D/s and BDSM and  RLV is built into collars, equipment, clothes, and many other items to create this physical control.

Should you use it? I say yes but not as a replacement for your words but as an enhancement of your visual experience. Once a sub sees themselves on their knees and not voluntarily, or you removed their clothes without notice (and many other RLV functions), the emotions and feelings of the moment are enhanced as you talk through it (recall my Words post).

So use RLV as an enhancement and not a replacement of the experience. How and when to use it is a matter for another day and it is truly the part of discovering the many fetishes that you may be interested in.

Below is my attempt at a semi-technical discussion of what RLV is and how to get it working.

The official Linden Lab Second Life Viewer doesn’t support RLV at all. Linden Labs has made a strategic decision not to support it since it is mainly an adult type of tool and in my opinion, if they ever want to sell Linden Labs to a big corporation (Microsoft almost bought them a while back), they can claim that BDSM behavior is not a part of their viewer design. If you want to use RLV you must use a different viewer.

In order for anyone to use the full power of RLV you must be using a third party viewer that enables RLV and Phoenix/Firestorm is the most popular. You must enable it on the viewer before it works.

Now, the most common tool to perform these RLV functions is the now ubiquitous collar and it uses the Open Collar standard which is very much available in SL for free in many places. Temple of the Collar is the most popular place to get it.

There are many other tools available besides the open collar (Mars Ring, iControl, etc…) but they are all limited by what the viewer can do and a basic open collar can do most of the functions that other products (that cost more money) can do.

Part of the RLV design is also a set of safe words to allow you to get out of the control situation pretty much at any time (but sometimes you can’t, the controller of the RLV object would have to be present).

Very basic discussion but it should help you get going if needed. Visit the Open Collar site if you want to learn the functions of a RLV collar.

Good Hangout Places

People keep asking me where are all the good places to hang-out and indulge in the BDSM life style with other women.

I actually have been compiling a list and rating places and will publish it next week so stay tuned.

In the mean time, I have to say that there are very few places that cater strictly to Mistresses and female subs and that are worth visiting.

So if you have visited the Secret House, Amelie’s Garden and Dungeon, or the Lesbian Society, you have come close to the only places that cater strictly to women BDSM fetishes and where the clientele know what they are doing in the BDSM world. Only women are allowed and normally it is strictly enforced (a more in depth review next week of these and other places).

There are hundreds of other SIMS that cater to BDSM but normally it is women and men at the same time, or the women only place is just a mixture of video game players looking to act out BDSM and not women that really feel it inside and are serious about it. In these places you will find a large group of switches  (see my previous post on switching).

What to do? I say start in one of the first three that I mentioned above and stay there for a while. Traffic will come. What is the sense of going to a place that has a good reputation and semi-decent traffic just to arrive don’t see anyone around and poof away. Stick around and you will be surprised what can happen.