Advice for New Dominants (Part 1)

Recently we were discussing this item at the Chateau Lesbiennes de Roissy, as we had a couple of new Mistresses being considered for admittance. What advice could be give them besides the technical parts of SL. So this list is the result of six of us thinking about it.

1. You will make mistakes

New Dominants WILL make mistakes. It’s a fact of life. To be fair, experienced Dominants will make mistakes. Intermediate Dominants will make mistakes. If you are a Dominant or think you want to be a Dominant, you will make a mistake. Accept it and move on.

The only thing that makes a mistake worse is not learning from it. Mistakes are opportunities to grow and learn. Talk to people about them. Figure out what went wrong then incorporate that and try not to do it again.

If you act like everything you do is perfect and without flaw, then you are just playing a game.

2. Beating someone does not make you a Dominant.

Anyone can sit on a ball, grab a whip, flogger, or put someone on bondage in a machine. Simply because you have become adept at using equipment, or using RLV is not the mark of a Dominant. At best, it makes you a Top. Being a Top is not the same as being a Dominant. 

There is much more to being a Dominant than simply engaging in play. Do not confuse what happens in a scene as who you really are inside.

3. Be realistic about who and what you are.

If you give yourself a title such as Mistress or Goddess and you are just getting started as a Dominant, prepare to be mocked and laughed at.  True subs will see right through you and will not engage with you, while subs that are starting may go with you but will soon run away. If after a while, the Dominant role is not one that you feel comfortable with, just stop doing it.

The most powerful Dominants for the most part look, and behave very normal. When the sub is interacting with them, the dominance is obvious and the sub just melts into the relationship. Don’t make a mockery of the lifestyle because you thought it would be cool to add Master or Mistress to your name. If it is inside you, it will come out and flourish naturally as you have more experiences. The title will not do it.

4. Don’t measure yourself by someone else.

You have to develop your own style. You have to know what makes you tick and why. Don’t do things just because someone else is doing them or it seems cool or because the hot little potential sub is really begging for it. If it’s not for you, it’s not for you. People are best at what truly inspires them not because of what is cool and hip. While, like high school, there is peer pressure in the BDSM scene/lifestyle, you have the choice as to whether or not you follow it, or follow your own path.

5. Question yourself.

A Dominant who doesn’t question herself isn’t much of a Dominant. One of the tricks to being a good Dominant (if you are interested in such a thing) is looking and re-examining your actions as a Dominant. Figure out what you did and why you did it. The answers will not always come easy and they may not always be pleasant. But self-awareness and introspection are two crucial tools in a Dominants play box. Use them and use them often.

6. Try to figure out what type of Dominant you want to be and work at it.

The concept that there are many different types of Dominants and submissives (see a previous post for submissive types) seems to escape many people. Some Dominants may be sensual, caring, and very nice while others may be sadistic, cruel, and a mean person. What type you will be is up to you. But when you find a style that fits, run with it. You will find subs that match your style, don’t try to fit a sensual sub to your style, if you are a sadistic Dominant and vice-versa. Always be the best you can be by learning as much as you can about that particular style, infusing your own style along with it. And don’t be afraid to switch gears when its not working for you. After all, SL is a great platform for change and experimentation and you are in control.

Stay tuned for Part II.

How to Spot a Good Domme (Part 2)

The post that follows is part 2 of a post that is making the Internet rounds under the title “How to Spot a Good Dominant” by author unknown. It is about spotting a male Dominant. I have edited the post and added some elements to make it pertain to women and Second Life instead. If I ever find the author of the original one, I will notify her/him. Here it goes:

How to spot a good Domme

– A Domme will be very cautious in selecting you because she knows you have great desires, hopes, and dreams, and it is she that has to live up to them. Above all things she will wish to be good for you. She attempts to choose wisely but may at first make many mistakes in her choices as she finds her way.

– A Domme will make mistakes and have no fear admitting them. The Domme knows that she is not All Knowing, for she is human. A Domme who believes she never makes mistakes or does not admit to them with good cheer is most likely not a Domme.

– A Domme will not beg for anything from you. She will simply wait till you’re dying to send her your naughty pictures unsolicited and accept them with lady like composure.

– A Domme will never lie about being married or already having a girlfriend. If she’s married to vanilla, she’ll simply say so. If she’s dating vanilla, she’ll break up with her before venturing in with another (less she’s doing a poly thing and brings her along, or in an open relationship). The Domme is straightforward, will wish to be plain about her true desires and needs, and if she is attached, will be forthcoming with that information.

– A Domme won’t lie about much, though she surely will keep some of her thoughts from you. A Dom who feels swallowing golden showers to be right up your alley may well know telling you straight out might have you running for cover. This is not in itself lying, she’s just taking the appropriate steps first and at the speed she thinks you can absorb them (she may well discard such thoughts as she gets to know you). The lying ‘domme’ will have an agenda that has no bearing on your needs. The real Domme wants no part of someone for whom she cannot be good. A woman who attempts to get with a woman she cannot handle or vice versa is desperate.

– A Domme will not be heavy handed in her approach. She will be skilled at drawing you in, opening you up, making you feel at ease or on edge (depending on her tastes). Her efforts will seem effortless; even aloof at times. She will grow on you. Capture you. Enlighten you and make things seem clear that may have been once blurry. You will feel better about yourself when communicating with her (even if your desire is to live in debasement!). Only an impostor will try to tear you down in order to raise herself to higher ground. The dominate gets off by watching you soar, not fall.

In essence, taking on a submissive is both invigorating and empowering yet also a humbling experience. She may err constantly, particularly if she is new. Yet she will always, always strive to be better, and though longs and seeks challenge, she will avoid that which she knows she cannot handle, or will in some near future be unable to handle. It may take time but she will understand her own limits as well as her submissive’s.

A submissive is a truckload of challenge (ask their ex-vanilla lovers), and so the Domme needs you like she needs air. She wants your worship not simply for worship sake but because she has gone beyond the call of the norm, ventured into the realm of risk, and passing across the dangerous abyss where footing is treacherous, hopefully breaks into the sunshine of success offering you something glorious. THAT alone is why she seeks your worship; because she has earned it and deserves it.

If a woman does not seek risk and challenge in her life, if she wishes worship without venturing her ego, if she does not persist continually toward excellence in handling a woman as she does in many things, she is not a Domme.

A Series Concerning Submissiveness – Final Part

Final part – The routine

What kinds of rules and limits are appropriate?

The kinds of rules and limits you set for your slavegirl depend on your wishes and insight as to what you feel is best for her, taking into great consideration her goals for herself.   I would suggest that in the beginning, the fewer rules you have for her the better.   This way she can be very clear on what is expected of her and it will make it easier for you to enforce them.   Sit down with her and discuss the rules you feel she needs.   I think you’ll find she knows exactly what they are and will welcome your help in “assisting” her to accomplish them.

This will help out during the initial stages of SL domination as many get overwhelmed by all the rules and requests and just poof away.

If you have the right objects in your hours, household chores are a good starting point. Cooking for you, doing the laundry, ironing (plenty of animations out there that are very realistic). Remember, she will need to test you very much at first and only when she feels sure she’ll be disciplined for not doing them will she be able to get them done knowing she has no choice about it — which will be a tremendous relief to her.

Spankings and Discipline

It is very thrilling for your sub to know she is subject to your discipline.   She wants rules and limits set for her and knows that there will be consequences for not obeying them.   If there are no consequence then she cannot feel the control that she longs for.   Accepting a spanking where the focus is on correcting her behavior rather than for her own pleasure is proof of her submission to you.   It makes your control of her very real.   There is a big distinction between a spanking given for the pure enjoyment of it and one given as punishment.   Though many pleasure spankings are given under the guise of a punishment for misbehaving, it’s clear that the focus is on its eroticism and the “punishment” aspect is just a pretense.

Some submissive women would never want a spanking they thought was given as a punishment.   For them, it is a completely pleasurable experience and they don’t want them to be associated with a punishment” in any form.

However, there are some submissive women who *love* to be spanked as a punishment and there are several reasons for this.   We all grew up knowing that spankings were given as a punishment and though now as adults we find them pleasurable, the connection between spankings and punishment still remains and can be a very hot erotic trigger for the sub.   If she started having spanking fantasies at a young age when having your bottom paddled and being punished are one in the same, they will often revolve around the idea of being punished for some reason, whether real or imagined.

Due to societies generally negative view of d/s and s/m, many women who crave a spanking or whipping often have great conflicts about it, wondering how they could possibly be so “strange” or “weird”.   It is often not an easy admission to make, so it’s much easier to rationalize the desire for a spanking by connecting it to a wrong doing in order to “earn” a spanking rather than having the freedom to simply ask their lover for one.

The Desire to be Perfect

There is a tendency in some submissive women to be “perfect”.   Though this can be an admirable goal, it can often be taken to extremes and that’s something to be aware of.   I am now talking about the desire to strive to improve, to make an effort to do the best job possible, and as we know, that takes a great deal of energy.   Here is a quote that illustrates this point: “I started thinking about why punishment appealed to me and I wasn’t sure if it was just another way to test limits… or the thought of the luxury of having something to “make” me do the things I really want to do anyway… but, instead, I allow life (work, fatigue) get in the way.   “I have very high expectations for myself… I am lucky in the fact that I am intelligent and beautiful… but I think given these “gifts” that they should be utilized to the fullest extent…”

A submissive woman like this wants to be “pushed” into making a greater effort with herself.   She knows what she is capable of achieving and wants help in making it a reality.   To me, this is one of the most positive aspects of spankings treated as a punishment.   As her Mistress, your responsibility is to take care of her and to see she does what is best for her.   You need to work with her to be sure her rules and limits are for her own benefit and help her to meet her own personal goals.   If structured this way, the focus of the spanking is not because she was “bad”, but rather she is being spanked to help her improve herself.   In this way, your discipline of her is another way you can show her you love and care.

Punishment as a way of Absolution and Forgiveness

Another aspect of being “punished” is that it allows her to let go of any self-imposed “guilt” over her behavior.   This is especially important for those women who strive to be perfect and have the tendency to be self-critical.   This can be compounded if she was raised in an environment where past mistakes were never forgotten but were continually brought to her attention.   When she is punished, she can face her mistake, accept her punishment as a motivation to improve (not for being “bad”), be completely forgiven and then to happily move on.

Some Cautions over Punishment Spankings

Since a punishment spanking is going to be harder for her to endure than one given for pleasure, you want to be sure she is in the right mental head space for taking one.   In other words, she must feel the spanking is deserved, so my advice here is never punish her for something left unclear.   Make your rules very clear and specific so she knows *exactly* when she is breaking them.   If it helps, set time deadlines so she can’t claim she was “just going to do it.”   Another caution here about being consistent.   If you punished her one week for breaking a rule and let the same infraction go the next, you are giving her very mixed and confusing signals which will make it difficult for her to take your control seriously, and this will have very negative consequences to both your roles.   She will need to test you until she feels secure you are going to follow through so *be consistent* — this is extremely important.

Preparing her for Punishment

A punishment spanking is often more filled with ritual than most any other scene and draws very much on her anticipation of an event that she knows will be a test and challenge to her.   Sending to her room to await you should excite her greatly even though she knows the spanking may not be that enjoyable.   Making *her* fetch the implement used in her correction is an added erotic embarrassment.   You may want to have her strip in advance and sit on the device to reflect upon her infraction and what steps she is going to take in the future to avoid a similar lapse.  If you want to see just how exciting the anticipation of a punishment can be, have her wait at least 10 minutes before you sit with her for the punishment. In the mean time you can be talking to her telling her what is coming.

You may want to lecture her on her behavior, emphasizing *exactly* what she did to earn this correction, and during the spanking itself, pause several times and give her the chance to promise better behavior in the future.   This is important as it keep the emphasis on the punishment as motivation to improve her behavior and not because she was “bad” or displeased you for not getting it done.

As further confirmation of your roles, after the spanking she should thank you for taking the time and effort to discipline her, and then it’s up to you if you want to ravish her or send her to the corner!   The point I’m making here is that even though this is “punishment” there’s no reason it can’t end in pleasure for her.   After all, she has been “punished” and all is forgiven.

Exploring Embarrassment

One wonderful aspect of D/s in SL is that it lets you explore so many emotions in safety.   When done with love and care, embarrassing your slavegirl can be an extremely intense experience for her and one that will make her feel very controlled. When you give her an embarrassing task and she obeys, it is a way you can both feel the strength of your respective roles. Her obedience in being embarrassed proves to you both that she is your slavegirl and will do whatever you ask of her.   As her Mistress, you want to think of as many ways as possible to demonstrate this and you will feel that your control of her is as complete as possible.   Many ideas for increasing the depths of her submission utilize embarrassment in one form or another. If this is going to be public, then it needs to be in the a proper D/s area in SL and not where others that are not sensitive to what is happening are present.  Be creative and you will find many ways she can be thoroughly embarrassed in front of others while being the only one that knows the real reason she is acting as she is.

Asking Permission

Another way you can constantly remind her that she is under your control is by having her ask your permission.   The more of her own independent action is restricted, the more her submission will increase.   One example that emphasizes this as well as serving as a subtle embarrassment is to have her ask your permission to visit the bathroom.   This touches upon the idea of her losing certain personal privacies which can increase the intimate bond between you both.   If you sense that she has gone on her own (lack of communication), leave her an IM chastising her for it and log-off yourself.

Everywhere you go in SL you make every decision for her. Don’t ask her if it is ok, just do it. This will not only increase her submission to you, but also relieves her of having to make a decision for herself.

It’s very common not to allow a sub to climax without first being given permission.   She is “allowed” pleasure only upon your command which will emphasize your control over her.   It also increases the anticipation of finally being given permission which can hold her on the edge of a climax for an extended period which will build its intensity.

Not only may she not climax without permission, but she may not even be allowed to touch herself without permission.   By setting this rule for her, you are making her admit her desire to touch herself by asking for your permission which is also a way for you to know how excited she has become by your commands.

Pulling her Hair

One very *hot* erotic trigger for many subs is having their hair pulled.   Not in a hurtful way, but as a very sensual experience.   For many women, this can be an extremely powerful turn on and you may be surprised by her reaction.   This will have to be emoted very well to be a trigger.

Treating her as a Cherished Pet

Many submissive women love being treated as a pet.   We all know how much love and attention our pets receive and it should be thrillingly embarrassing and sweet — not at all degrading.   Pet’s are often kept on a collar and leash too, aren’t they?   Try this on a special evening together.   Have her undress and kneel before you.   Tell her she is to be your pet for the evening and lovingly place her collar upon her and attach her leash to it.   Tell her she is to be your sweet little kitty and is not allowed to speak unless given permission.   Instead, she must meow and purr to you.

One very erotic idea is to have her purr and meow for you as you caress her.   Perhaps, if your loved pet is in “heat”, have her rub her little pussy against your leg as a way of begging for more attention.   Be sure to bring her to a climax while allowing only mews of pleasure…

It is an incredible feeling to have a woman you love and who loves you napping at your feet while you hold her leash in your hand.   Make a little nest of pillows and blankets in a corner and make that her special place.   As a pet, she is not allowed to stand or to use the furniture.   Perhaps you’ll put out a little saucer of milk for her to lap…

A theme such as this gets very much into role-play which can be a wonderful escape from the stress of your lives.   It is a unique time when you can forget about being adults and return to the innocent and creative play of children.

Thank you all for reading

I appreciate all the comments and messages that I have received during these posts and I hope that they have helped in some way to make your D/s life a little better.

See you in SL somewhere. Who knows, I may be writing about you soon.

A Series Concerning Submissiveness – Part 5

The importance of Ritual in Creating a Submissive State of Mind

A submissive state of mind is very much an altered state of awareness.   How do you know that in SL when all you see is words? It is very difficult to know if you are actively controlling her but you may see a change in the words, or a pause after giving her some command or an action. Traditionally the more a person enters a submissive state of mind the more quiet they become so must be aware of this while you are interacting through an IM.  This state of deep submission is sometimes refereed to as subspace. It is often a dramatic transformation and one that at times may leave her very non-verbal.

To be honest with you I’m not sure if anyone can enter subspace through second life interactions. Some subs have told me that they did, but I thought maybe they were telling me this because it was what I wanted to hear. In either case, subspace is *the* place where she wants to be and the deeper you can take her, the more intense everything becomes for her.   You can make it easier for her to go into subspace by the use of ritual.   Keeping a certain formality and pattern when leading her into a scene makes it easy for her to recall past events and more easily slip back into a previous deep submissive state.

Building her anticipation for an event is a wonderful way to give her time to get into her submissive head space.   It let’s her imagination come into play and builds up her sexual arousal as she tries to envision what you have in mind for her.   Try telling her firmly to be at a certain place and time without saying why.   In the meantime, she can indulge in her submissive feelings by wondering what she may or may not have done and she’ll be imagining herself being subjected to all kinds of marvelous things.   Or, in great detail tell her *exactly* what will happen to her at a point in the near future then forbid her to mention it.   See how this works?

There are an almost infinite number of ways to make her feel submissive.   Position and symbology play a great part.   Perhaps the most effective is to place her in a collar.   A collar is a very powerful symbol of ownership, love and commitment and should be treated with great respect.   When she wears your collar she is telling you that she is yours completely and will try as hard as she can to please you in whatever you may ask of her.   It will always be in her mind that she wears her collar for *you*.

Of course in SL collars are a dime a dozen and people offer them or take them without much thought. I can’t emphasize the following point enough. In SL the sub should be made to offer you her collar, give yourself to you. Tell her that from the beginning “if you want to be mine, you will have to give me your collar on your own.” If they try to give it to you right away don’t take it, make them think about it for a while, if they run away then you know they are just game playing and not really true submissives that think you will be a good Mistress for them.

Having her assume certain standard slave positions is a way to both signal her that you are now moving into a more formal role with each other and also allow her to return to quickly enter a submissive state of mind.

I like to enhance her state of submission by using the ritual that they must wear something in RL while we are chatting in SL. This could be a ring, a necklace, a t-shirt, etc… She must have it on during our interaction in SL to remind her of the collar and that in fact she is mine. I also tell them my favorite perfume and insist that they buy it and wear some while we are interacting so she can feel like I am next to her. Doing this will make her more pliable and it will be easier for her to be transported back into the depths that she had reached during your previous scenes.

Attention to Detail

Your attention to detail is important.   You know what you want her to do and it’s important that you communicate that clearly to her.   Beyond that, it has several other purposes.   Not only does it focus her attention on you, but it lets her every day thoughts and stresses in her life fall away, and this is a wonderful escape for her.   As her Mistress, you want to give her tasks that draw out her submission and if she does allow herself to be distracted, her attention needs to be brought back to you with a few quick swats.   This also allows her to feel that she has *your* attention as much as she has yours.

Limits and Rules

A submissive woman often craves more “structure” in her life and there can be many reasons for this.   By giving your sub very clear limits and rules on her behavior, you are now creating an environment for her where she can relax and be secure in the knowledge of what is expected of her and how she can best please you.

Testing Limits

Setting rules and limits for your submissive is extremely important for it is within these boundaries she feels most cared for.   As part of her feeling secure within the relationship, she needs — even unconsciously — to test her limits.   This is an extremely important point.   If she breaks a rule and you let it slide without bringing it to her attention, you are not allowing her to feel safe within your care.   She can’t feel safe within your limits, if the limits are not there or are vague.   This testing process is something that never really stops though at first she will feel the need to test you often until she learns that you will follow through.   The sooner you do that, the quicker she will feel the reality of your concern for her.

A submissive woman *wants* a strong Mistress, one who sets guidelines on her behavior that are for her own good and then who has the strength and authority to be sure they are followed.   It’s almost impossible for me to emphasize how important a point this is.   The most common and biggest complaint I am told by submissive women is that their Mistresses are not “strict” enough.   Inconsistency on your part is see by her as a sign of weakness, and she cannot feel submissive to a weak woman.

Be Consistent

Remember that her greatest desire is to feel that she has lost control to you and must do as she is told.   If she does not do exactly as instructed she wants to know there will be a consequence, for if there is not, she will not feel your control of her is real.   If you let her down by allowing her to get away with breaking her rules, she will feel that your control over her is not real.   It’s like saying you don’t care for her enough to watch over her and she will feel a very definite lack of attention from you.

A Series Concerning Submissiveness – Part 2

Part 2 – Why does someone wants to be submissive?

Because is erotic

When someone submits emotionally and physically, their sexuality is affected in a very intense and emotionally fulfilling experience. Women that have submitted to me or others have expressed that the physical act coupled with the mental part is often the most sexually intense and emotionally fulfilling experience in their lives.

But there is an issue with this. As is often the case, many feel afraid of the intensity of their sexual energy.   They fear that if they reveal the full extent of their sexual excitement at being a submissive they will not be understood.   Often, the smallest of looks or commands will leave them drenched with sexual excitement.   A good Mistress will enjoy the pleasure that this excitement bring as she extracts each nuance of sexual pleasure from her.

How do you do that in SL? Good conversation and emoting. You need not be a para-rp person to get that fulfillment. If you remember my previous posts role playing is just that, a real relationship is not role playing. Both parties feel it. The submissive must also know that her Mistress gets as much pleasure out of this as she does.

When she gives herself to you completely, she is also giving you the freedom to explore the depths of her sexuality and passion. She expects and trusts that you will take her places she cannot go herself, to have experiences she probably cannot ask for.   She is depending on the Mistress to give her the push to get beyond any resistance she may offer. Of course it must always be safe, sane, and consensual.

Getting past resistance is where your strength and understanding as a Mistress is essential.   If you back off instead of encouraging her onward (by spank or by praise) she will not be able to explore the depths of herself.   She needs your unconditional love and support to feel safe to go where she cannot go alone.   As you sexually open her body to you, you are also opening her heart and soul.

Being with a Mistress that understands the sexuality of the situation is an extremely liberating experience for her, and allows for more and more exploration over time.  As time goes by, she will have a strong desire to reveal herself as she truly is as you help her by removing any sexual barriers built from her early years.   Even if she cannot ask, it is important to understand that the sub *wants* to overcome her resistance as much as the Mistress wants her to.

As your relationship grows and she becomes more comfortable and trusting in her knowledge that you understand her feelings, she will find it easier to admit certain sexual desires to you.   From time to time, have her tell you a “secret” fantasy of hers, or give her the assignment of writing you a short fantasy.   It’s often easier to put something in writing than to have to say it verbally.

Another way you can free her sexuality is to have her admit to you how exciting a certain activity is for her.   If you are giving her an erotic spanking, have her tell you how much she loves it.   “Begging” can also be a way to encourage her to express herself.   For example, if you suspect she enjoys anal play more than she can admit, hold the bottom plug against her opening but don’t insert it until she “begs” you to have it slipped inside her.   In this way you are “forcing” her to make an admission she probably wants to make, but is too embarrassed to share with you on her own.

More to come in part 3 ……..

A Series Concerning Submissiveness – Part 1

I’ll start the new year (I know is February already) with a series of posts (four parts I think), that will highlight the concept of submissiveness and how it relates to SL.

Part 1 – Why does someone want to be a submissive?

Because it is important to them

In my many dealing with submissive women, a common theme of every encounter is that a person that is willing to engage with a Mistress is doing it because submission is very important to that person. A true submissive attaches a value to being owned, or to be serving someone. Since in second life is normally not a physical connection, then the emotional connection becomes even more meaningful. This emotional connection (in both RL and SL) is very deep in a true submissive and they feel it to their very soul. Because of this deep connection a true D/s relationship is not a game to a true submissive.   That is the reason many SL D/s relations end so quickly, is a game for one of them and trivializes the real emotions that can be felt.

Because they want to be taken care of

A submissive woman wants someone strong to protect and watch over her.   I often hear this when I ask that direct question about the reason they want to submit to me. Of course one has to be careful about being topped from the bottom in that situation. A submissive wants to be able to relax in the safety of her Mistress and the environment she creates for her.

Part of her feeling of being taken care of by you is knowing that she has certain rules and limits for herself.   If she disobeys them, she expects to be disciplined.   When you are correcting her behavior by a punishment of some kind, several things are happening.   The first is that you care enough for her to correct her.   It is proof to her that she has your attention and you are watching over her, making sure she does what is best for herself.

If it was a task or command of your own that she disobeyed, then your punishment leaves no doubt in her mind that she must obey you and that allows her to feel secure in her submission to you.   If you set rules for her then never check to see they are followed, your message to her is that she is not worth the effort it takes to see that she has obeyed.   You are unconsciously saying she does not deserve your attention.   This lack of attention will lead to her disappearance as it is a critical part of submissiveness.

The best way to deal with this part (the rules), is to make it somewhat of a formal and clear process. As the Mistress, you want your rules obeyed and she wants to obey them and be recognized for her desire to please you.   If she “overlooks” a rule it is often a test to see if you care enough to catch it, and for you it is an opportunity to show her that she will not be allowed to get away with anything.   The stricter you are in supervising her, the more she will feel your attention and the happier she will be. Believe it or not.

More to come in part 2 ……..

 

Bondage Safety in SL

I was sitting around with my Domme friends and the subject of bondage came up. I was really surprised how many different ideas of bondage and bondage safety existed among my group. Most of us are very experienced in SL so I jumped in here to get my thoughts published.

Let’s start with a working definition of bondage. To me it is any type of restraint that limits someone’s movement.

I know that definition is very broad, but if you think about it, bondage is all about limiting physical movement using some kind of restraint method (e.g., rope, chain, rubber, latex, gags etc …).

Is it a kink or a fetish? You can visit my previous post on what makes them different but in this case, bondage can be both. Some subs want bondage to be the only thing that will satisfy them sexually, while others see is as part of pleasing the Domme and view it as a kink that they like.

One of the wonderful things about SL is that just about every type of bondage can be found and practiced. Shibaru (Japanese bondage) is very common, as well as Western, and Fusion (east meets west).

I believe the ease of experiencing bondage in SL leads to a false sense of reality in Real Life for the subs.

In RL the most difficult part of bondage is learning how to do it safely. One must learn how to “rig” a person properly and practice it. Many cases of improper applications of bondage have resulted in RL injuries (dislocated bones being the most common), long term damage (breast tying being one of the most done incorrectly), and in some cases death (gagging a person and then having them lay down or be upside down without proper monitoring).

You would think that in SL you can have the experience without worrying about safety, but in some cases SL just makes it worse because some subs at the other end try self-bondage and that can be tragic.

I remember a sub that I had and I asked her to wear a collar in RL and asked her to get a six foot silk piece that she would use as the leash to tie herself to the computer desk. This enhances the experience, but one day she said that she was losing her breath and I asked why and she said she had been pulling on the leash as tight as she could every time I did it in SL. Whoa !!

I told her to immediately take the collar and leash off and had to give her a lecture about doing things that I wasn’t telling her to do. I’ve also experience similar things like this during bondage as the sub starts to self-bondage.

So what are we to do?

First, understand that when playing in SL at the other end the person is real and may do things that she believes will please you (it is certainly pleasing her), as you play scenes in SL.

Second, ALWAYS MAKE SURE YOU CHECK THAT THE SUB IS NOT USING SELF-BONDAGE OR DOING ANYTHING WITHOUT YOUR DIRECTION.

Some people may read this and laugh thinking it is not possible, but I think that anyone that has been in SL a meaningful amount of time can recognize that the feelings are real and can be as powerful (or sometimes more) than the feelings and actions in RL.

Please be careful and always be safe

Give a noob a chance?

This is a loaded question. First of all, what is a noob?

I define it as anyone in SL for less than 45 days. I know this is an arbitrary definition but can do as well as any other.

Based on that definition, should a Domme attempt to get into a relationship with someone that is just barely learning how to navigate SL?

Some Mistresses do and some don’t.

I for one try to understand the person as we chat. If they are truly brand new to SL (and not some alt playing head games) I tend towards not pursuing the relationship. Two reasons why:

– If they are brand new, they really haven’t experienced all the things that SL has to offer and probably are in the throes of their initial addiction jumping from Mistress to Mistress to satisfy the feelings that they are pursuing. They are just learning how to use equipment, build an inventory that is good for both them and their Mistress, etc…

– The chances are very high (and have confirmed this with several others), that the relationship won’t last since the slow beginning of most relationship will put the noob in a position of wanting to get out and know more. As a Mistress wrote in her profile “If you are looking for a Mistress and you don’t understand your own self I am probably not for you”

That really sums up the feeling that you may get from trying to dominate a noob. Are they really clear on what they want and who they are? I prefer that they explore a little more because the two of us may not be compatible at all.

By the way, in my profile Picks I explain my philosophy towards noobs so there will not be any misunderstandings.

Of course others reject noobs because of the way the look, lack of AO, no SLINK hands or feet. You name it. That of course is up to each person but seems to me a bit shallow.

The Contents of a Sub’s Inventory Matter

Last night I was talking with a new person in SL (will try not to use av anymore, since we are all people). She was only about fifteen days old and was a bit frustrated about how Mistresses didn’t want to have anything with her because of her SL age.

I can understand her frustration since we all were there once and back in my newbie days I could barely keep my hair in between TPs but yet I expected for people to talk to me as if I was part of the group already.

As the conversation progressed, I got to thinking of how the inventory that a sub already has really makes a difference.

If she already had cuffs, gag, harness, collar, maybe iControl, a Mars Ring, etc…, it would make the life for a Mistress that much easier. I enjoy good BDSM equipment to be used along in the play, specially if I am familiar with it allowing me to make easier transitions with my words as I make the sub do different things to please me or to punish her.

Even better if the sub has already set #RLV folders and she lets you know ahead of time, or you discover them when you are using the collar. The flow of the words is seamless.

So the newbie sub didn’t have any of these equipment. I recommended that she get some of the basics, and look for good quality freebies. The main issue of course being that the amount of equipment out there is very large. Some key systems for cuffs, harnesses, and gags requires a course on their use. It is frustrating in some cases and in others it causes the sub to run away because the equipment takes away from the flow of each interaction.

I told her “you can see how this is frustrating and some Mistresses prefer someone that has been around and possibly has some equipment that is common in SL.”

Of course the other side of this coin is this: Should the Mistress buy all the equipment for the sub? Or make her buy it all. Some subs believe that the Mistress is fully responsible (financially of course), for getting each sub equipped.

The way I do it is simple. I tell the sub that this is a shared arrangement. I pay for the land and the house where we live, I will buy certain things for her, and she is responsible for the rest of the things that I want. She can find freebies or buy them, but I have to approve all the purchases ahead of time so that way I know what I will be working with. That is not too much to ask.

Inventory does matter in the beginnings of a D/s SL relationship.

Limits? or Limiting Fun?

So hanging out at the Secret House and read a profile that goes something like this in the 2nd Life tab:

“Very submissive …. willing to do anything for my Mistress including transformation and total power exchange. If my Mistress takes pleasure in doing something to me, that is my pleasure.”

OK …. Looking good so far. So I turn to the Picks area and there is a limits tab so let’s see what she puts in there:

No RLV restrictions
No mutilation
No kill
No messing with my hair
No collar
No voice, phone, or cam 
No restriction of my ability to communicate or travel in SL
Let’s have some fun together

Her limits have just eliminated 40% of the BDSM experience and it is obvious that all she wants to do is have a quick session of play and move on. How can you have TPE with all these limits? By the time everything is followed it starts to look like vanilla sex.

Just a quick thought for tonight. I did IM the AV and she continued to tell me things that she didn’t like and wasn’t willing to do. That hit one on my hard limits “submissives that are not really submissives.”

No thank you !!!.