Advice for New Dominants (Part 2)

7. Ask questions.

Ask as many questions as you can of who you can. You can learn something from almost everyone, even if it is what not to do or what you don’t want to do. The more questions you ask of individuals the more informed you will become. And don’t limit yourself to just Dominants. There are submissives and slaves out there with a wealth of experience and knowledge who you can draw from as well. Their knowledge is just as valid as a Dominants, so talk to them.

It is not a sign of weakness to ask someone.

8. Just because you saw someone do it, doesn’t mean you can.

So you were at a D/s SIM and you saw a Mistress interacting with a sub in an interesting or kinky way. She made it look so easy that you are sure, with your vast intelligence, that you can do it as well, right?

Perhaps not!

The reason she made it look easy is because probably she has been doing it for a while. She probably has practiced on others and learn from her mistakes, and has learn to refine what to say and what the sequence of events will be to get the best enjoyment out of the situation, and to get the best out of the submissive.

So when you see something that you would like to learn, try and ask questions or watch carefully at the sequence of events. Make notes, and notice the reactions of the sub and of others around it. Of course in SL may be difficult because they may be engaged in private IMs, but it never hurts to ask.

Attend classes, many SIMs do this. If they are giving a demonstration, then they are there to answer questions, so ask them and make sure you learn all the details.

This is very true with RLV, nothing can kill the mood or send someone running away than the wrong use of RLV.

9. Honor someone’s relationship dynamic.

Many people have many different dynamics and protocols in this lifestyle. When in doubt, ask questions. Once you learn the relationship dynamics, do not dismiss them simply because you think they are silly. In reality, they may be. But if you are or want to interact with individuals who have a certain dynamic/protocol, there are only two options. Either honor it to associate with them or don’t deal with them at all.

Since that is what they have decided for themselves, your opinion will have little or no impact, so complaining or whining about it will do nothing. One day you may develop dynamics or protocols that others may find strange. Think how you would want to be treated in that situation and then behave accordingly. It’s funny how there are those who will ask to touch someone’s toys but think they can treat someone’s partner however they want.

If you are using SL as a video game where you get to play a Dominant person in god mode, then you will never learn how enjoyable it is to have a submissive that is 100% loyal to you, because she is getting what she expects to get.

10. Don’t measure yourself by someone else.

You have to develop your own style. Don’t do things just because someone else is doing them or it seems cool or because the hot little potential sub is really begging for it. If it’s not for you, it’s not for you. People are best at what truly inspires them not because of what is cool and hip. While, like high school, there is peer pressure in the BDSM scene/lifestyle, you have the choice as to whether or not you follow it, or follow your own path.

11. Keep an open mind.

There are things as a new person that you do not like that in 2 or 3 or 10 years you will totally be into. Be sure to try out and learn about different things. You never know what turns you off today will totally rock your socks tomorrow. So keep an open eye and an open mind. It will work to your benefit in the long run.

 

 

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Advice for New Dominants (Part 1)

Recently we were discussing this item at the Chateau Lesbiennes de Roissy, as we had a couple of new Mistresses being considered for admittance. What advice could be give them besides the technical parts of SL. So this list is the result of six of us thinking about it.

1. You will make mistakes

New Dominants WILL make mistakes. It’s a fact of life. To be fair, experienced Dominants will make mistakes. Intermediate Dominants will make mistakes. If you are a Dominant or think you want to be a Dominant, you will make a mistake. Accept it and move on.

The only thing that makes a mistake worse is not learning from it. Mistakes are opportunities to grow and learn. Talk to people about them. Figure out what went wrong then incorporate that and try not to do it again.

If you act like everything you do is perfect and without flaw, then you are just playing a game.

2. Beating someone does not make you a Dominant.

Anyone can sit on a ball, grab a whip, flogger, or put someone on bondage in a machine. Simply because you have become adept at using equipment, or using RLV is not the mark of a Dominant. At best, it makes you a Top. Being a Top is not the same as being a Dominant. 

There is much more to being a Dominant than simply engaging in play. Do not confuse what happens in a scene as who you really are inside.

3. Be realistic about who and what you are.

If you give yourself a title such as Mistress or Goddess and you are just getting started as a Dominant, prepare to be mocked and laughed at.  True subs will see right through you and will not engage with you, while subs that are starting may go with you but will soon run away. If after a while, the Dominant role is not one that you feel comfortable with, just stop doing it.

The most powerful Dominants for the most part look, and behave very normal. When the sub is interacting with them, the dominance is obvious and the sub just melts into the relationship. Don’t make a mockery of the lifestyle because you thought it would be cool to add Master or Mistress to your name. If it is inside you, it will come out and flourish naturally as you have more experiences. The title will not do it.

4. Don’t measure yourself by someone else.

You have to develop your own style. You have to know what makes you tick and why. Don’t do things just because someone else is doing them or it seems cool or because the hot little potential sub is really begging for it. If it’s not for you, it’s not for you. People are best at what truly inspires them not because of what is cool and hip. While, like high school, there is peer pressure in the BDSM scene/lifestyle, you have the choice as to whether or not you follow it, or follow your own path.

5. Question yourself.

A Dominant who doesn’t question herself isn’t much of a Dominant. One of the tricks to being a good Dominant (if you are interested in such a thing) is looking and re-examining your actions as a Dominant. Figure out what you did and why you did it. The answers will not always come easy and they may not always be pleasant. But self-awareness and introspection are two crucial tools in a Dominants play box. Use them and use them often.

6. Try to figure out what type of Dominant you want to be and work at it.

The concept that there are many different types of Dominants and submissives (see a previous post for submissive types) seems to escape many people. Some Dominants may be sensual, caring, and very nice while others may be sadistic, cruel, and a mean person. What type you will be is up to you. But when you find a style that fits, run with it. You will find subs that match your style, don’t try to fit a sensual sub to your style, if you are a sadistic Dominant and vice-versa. Always be the best you can be by learning as much as you can about that particular style, infusing your own style along with it. And don’t be afraid to switch gears when its not working for you. After all, SL is a great platform for change and experimentation and you are in control.

Stay tuned for Part II.

The Contents of a Sub’s Inventory Matter

Last night I was talking with a new person in SL (will try not to use av anymore, since we are all people). She was only about fifteen days old and was a bit frustrated about how Mistresses didn’t want to have anything with her because of her SL age.

I can understand her frustration since we all were there once and back in my newbie days I could barely keep my hair in between TPs but yet I expected for people to talk to me as if I was part of the group already.

As the conversation progressed, I got to thinking of how the inventory that a sub already has really makes a difference.

If she already had cuffs, gag, harness, collar, maybe iControl, a Mars Ring, etc…, it would make the life for a Mistress that much easier. I enjoy good BDSM equipment to be used along in the play, specially if I am familiar with it allowing me to make easier transitions with my words as I make the sub do different things to please me or to punish her.

Even better if the sub has already set #RLV folders and she lets you know ahead of time, or you discover them when you are using the collar. The flow of the words is seamless.

So the newbie sub didn’t have any of these equipment. I recommended that she get some of the basics, and look for good quality freebies. The main issue of course being that the amount of equipment out there is very large. Some key systems for cuffs, harnesses, and gags requires a course on their use. It is frustrating in some cases and in others it causes the sub to run away because the equipment takes away from the flow of each interaction.

I told her “you can see how this is frustrating and some Mistresses prefer someone that has been around and possibly has some equipment that is common in SL.”

Of course the other side of this coin is this: Should the Mistress buy all the equipment for the sub? Or make her buy it all. Some subs believe that the Mistress is fully responsible (financially of course), for getting each sub equipped.

The way I do it is simple. I tell the sub that this is a shared arrangement. I pay for the land and the house where we live, I will buy certain things for her, and she is responsible for the rest of the things that I want. She can find freebies or buy them, but I have to approve all the purchases ahead of time so that way I know what I will be working with. That is not too much to ask.

Inventory does matter in the beginnings of a D/s SL relationship.

Limits? or Limiting Fun?

So hanging out at the Secret House and read a profile that goes something like this in the 2nd Life tab:

“Very submissive …. willing to do anything for my Mistress including transformation and total power exchange. If my Mistress takes pleasure in doing something to me, that is my pleasure.”

OK …. Looking good so far. So I turn to the Picks area and there is a limits tab so let’s see what she puts in there:

No RLV restrictions
No mutilation
No kill
No messing with my hair
No collar
No voice, phone, or cam 
No restriction of my ability to communicate or travel in SL
Let’s have some fun together

Her limits have just eliminated 40% of the BDSM experience and it is obvious that all she wants to do is have a quick session of play and move on. How can you have TPE with all these limits? By the time everything is followed it starts to look like vanilla sex.

Just a quick thought for tonight. I did IM the AV and she continued to tell me things that she didn’t like and wasn’t willing to do. That hit one on my hard limits “submissives that are not really submissives.”

No thank you !!!.

RLV or not RLV? That is the question.

So the conversation suddenly turned into the merits of RLV for use in SL so I decided to do a piece on RLV.

What is RLV? It is short for “Restrained Love Viewer.” Talk about a loaded set of words. We are going to restrain your love inside your viewer. In reality is a way for one avatar to control another avatar in many ways.

One of the main tenants of the BDSM lifestyle is that it should be consensual and that one person is allow to exert control over another in mental and physical settings. RLV allows the duplication of the physical control in SL. The system is based on one avatar giving permission to another (consent) to control their SL experience in the viewer. To make it clear, RLV is not one script that allows control, it is a module (within the viewer) that takes functions that are built into the viewer and allows one avatar to control them for another.

Let me give you an example. As you know there is a function inside the viewer that allows you to teleport your friends to your location. This is built into the viewer and as you know makes your experience much better (pushy DJs trying to get you to their event notwithstanding). Using RLV you could force your friend to teleport (existing function) to you without their permission or without them having to push any buttons. As you can see this is control, and that is part of a D/s relationship.

So take any function in the viewer and image that another person can run it for you. Put clothes on and off, stop you from IMs. stop you from teleporting, restricting your camera view, etc…..

This control is part of the appeal of D/s and BDSM and  RLV is built into collars, equipment, clothes, and many other items to create this physical control.

Should you use it? I say yes but not as a replacement for your words but as an enhancement of your visual experience. Once a sub sees themselves on their knees and not voluntarily, or you removed their clothes without notice (and many other RLV functions), the emotions and feelings of the moment are enhanced as you talk through it (recall my Words post).

So use RLV as an enhancement and not a replacement of the experience. How and when to use it is a matter for another day and it is truly the part of discovering the many fetishes that you may be interested in.

Below is my attempt at a semi-technical discussion of what RLV is and how to get it working.

The official Linden Lab Second Life Viewer doesn’t support RLV at all. Linden Labs has made a strategic decision not to support it since it is mainly an adult type of tool and in my opinion, if they ever want to sell Linden Labs to a big corporation (Microsoft almost bought them a while back), they can claim that BDSM behavior is not a part of their viewer design. If you want to use RLV you must use a different viewer.

In order for anyone to use the full power of RLV you must be using a third party viewer that enables RLV and Phoenix/Firestorm is the most popular. You must enable it on the viewer before it works.

Now, the most common tool to perform these RLV functions is the now ubiquitous collar and it uses the Open Collar standard which is very much available in SL for free in many places. Temple of the Collar is the most popular place to get it.

There are many other tools available besides the open collar (Mars Ring, iControl, etc…) but they are all limited by what the viewer can do and a basic open collar can do most of the functions that other products (that cost more money) can do.

Part of the RLV design is also a set of safe words to allow you to get out of the control situation pretty much at any time (but sometimes you can’t, the controller of the RLV object would have to be present).

Very basic discussion but it should help you get going if needed. Visit the Open Collar site if you want to learn the functions of a RLV collar.