Bondage Safety in SL

I was sitting around with my Domme friends and the subject of bondage came up. I was really surprised how many different ideas of bondage and bondage safety existed among my group. Most of us are very experienced in SL so I jumped in here to get my thoughts published.

Let’s start with a working definition of bondage. To me it is any type of restraint that limits someone’s movement.

I know that definition is very broad, but if you think about it, bondage is all about limiting physical movement using some kind of restraint method (e.g., rope, chain, rubber, latex, gags etc …).

Is it a kink or a fetish? You can visit my previous post on what makes them different but in this case, bondage can be both. Some subs want bondage to be the only thing that will satisfy them sexually, while others see is as part of pleasing the Domme and view it as a kink that they like.

One of the wonderful things about SL is that just about every type of bondage can be found and practiced. Shibaru (Japanese bondage) is very common, as well as Western, and Fusion (east meets west).

I believe the ease of experiencing bondage in SL leads to a false sense of reality in Real Life for the subs.

In RL the most difficult part of bondage is learning how to do it safely. One must learn how to “rig” a person properly and practice it. Many cases of improper applications of bondage have resulted in RL injuries (dislocated bones being the most common), long term damage (breast tying being one of the most done incorrectly), and in some cases death (gagging a person and then having them lay down or be upside down without proper monitoring).

You would think that in SL you can have the experience without worrying about safety, but in some cases SL just makes it worse because some subs at the other end try self-bondage and that can be tragic.

I remember a sub that I had and I asked her to wear a collar in RL and asked her to get a six foot silk piece that she would use as the leash to tie herself to the computer desk. This enhances the experience, but one day she said that she was losing her breath and I asked why and she said she had been pulling on the leash as tight as she could every time I did it in SL. Whoa !!

I told her to immediately take the collar and leash off and had to give her a lecture about doing things that I wasn’t telling her to do. I’ve also experience similar things like this during bondage as the sub starts to self-bondage.

So what are we to do?

First, understand that when playing in SL at the other end the person is real and may do things that she believes will please you (it is certainly pleasing her), as you play scenes in SL.

Second, ALWAYS MAKE SURE YOU CHECK THAT THE SUB IS NOT USING SELF-BONDAGE OR DOING ANYTHING WITHOUT YOUR DIRECTION.

Some people may read this and laugh thinking it is not possible, but I think that anyone that has been in SL a meaningful amount of time can recognize that the feelings are real and can be as powerful (or sometimes more) than the feelings and actions in RL.

Please be careful and always be safe

A series of videos that express life in SL

These are a series of links from YouTube that I have seen in profiles in the last few days. I will update them as I go along.

World Builder (careful, you may cry on this one)

Boys asking girls for sex (minute 1:10 had to happen)

Girls asking boys for sex (minute 1:50 pretty funny)

True Doms in Second Life (and that goes for Dommes as well)

Welcome to Gore

Master Tags are Great (applies to Mistress Tags as well)

Sexy Mistress

Give a noob a chance?

This is a loaded question. First of all, what is a noob?

I define it as anyone in SL for less than 45 days. I know this is an arbitrary definition but can do as well as any other.

Based on that definition, should a Domme attempt to get into a relationship with someone that is just barely learning how to navigate SL?

Some Mistresses do and some don’t.

I for one try to understand the person as we chat. If they are truly brand new to SL (and not some alt playing head games) I tend towards not pursuing the relationship. Two reasons why:

– If they are brand new, they really haven’t experienced all the things that SL has to offer and probably are in the throes of their initial addiction jumping from Mistress to Mistress to satisfy the feelings that they are pursuing. They are just learning how to use equipment, build an inventory that is good for both them and their Mistress, etc…

– The chances are very high (and have confirmed this with several others), that the relationship won’t last since the slow beginning of most relationship will put the noob in a position of wanting to get out and know more. As a Mistress wrote in her profile “If you are looking for a Mistress and you don’t understand your own self I am probably not for you”

That really sums up the feeling that you may get from trying to dominate a noob. Are they really clear on what they want and who they are? I prefer that they explore a little more because the two of us may not be compatible at all.

By the way, in my profile Picks I explain my philosophy towards noobs so there will not be any misunderstandings.

Of course others reject noobs because of the way the look, lack of AO, no SLINK hands or feet. You name it. That of course is up to each person but seems to me a bit shallow.

Actual Clock Time in SL and Exclusive Relationships

I was reading some profiles the other day and one of them had the following statement “Looking for a one to one relationship and totally exclusive.” Have seen that statement many times and it didn’t trigger anything in my mind until much later.

What does that really mean to both the sub and the Mistress?

I’ve been in SL for over eight years and I’ve had a very active life and have many personal friends, business friends, and casual friends that are fun. I would say that 40% of my life in SL has not relation to D/s, BDSM, or taking care of a sub.

Today I finally realized that one of the reasons that some subs may leave so quickly is because their expectation of a one on one relationship is a relation in which they are with you 100% of your time and theirs.

If you think about how much time you spend in SL per session, and you have a one on one relationship with a new sub/slave how much time will you actually spend with them? I’ve posted about needy subs and topping from the bottom so it is up to the Mistress to manage that time and make sure the sub/slave understands that.

For example, take this other profile statement “Looking for a Mistress for a long-term position as Her slave and property. Interested in really realistic slavery in which a slave is not human but only an object.” What do you think is this person’s expectations in terms of my time as a Mistress?

If I come in should I spend thirty minutes with her before I go see friends and attend an event that I promised to attend? If I tell her that she is to stay in place and I go to the event for two hours should I be IMing her every ten (fifteen, twenty) minutes so she doesn’t feel abandoned? Or do I just don’t care since she says she can be treated as an object and I don’t think about my objects when I am out having fun with my friends.

Does a one on one exclusive relationship precludes me from having friends in SL?

Of course the answer is NO !! We wouldn’t do that in RL. My home slave would have to stay home and wait for me to come back. She should be happy to see me come back and not be fretting her life away because I’m out with friends and such.

The big difference in SL is the fact that the slave can easily run-away and then she can find another Mistress in a relatively short period of time. Try that in RL and you would be looking for years and they know it.

If the sub/slave can’t handle your time away from them while both of you are inworld, then I would say they are not really sub/slaves to you. All they are wanting is your attention and all of your time.

On the other hand, I do give my subs/slaves time to go out and do other things if they have that feeling. They may want to go window shopping (I approve all purchases for slaves), go to an event of their own, and visit old friends as well.

I need to look at this more carefully and study it. This may be the main reason for many brake ups and no one is looking at it seriously.

Would love some comments on this write up about BDSM