Advice for New Dominants (Part 2)

7. Ask questions.

Ask as many questions as you can of who you can. You can learn something from almost everyone, even if it is what not to do or what you don’t want to do. The more questions you ask of individuals the more informed you will become. And don’t limit yourself to just Dominants. There are submissives and slaves out there with a wealth of experience and knowledge who you can draw from as well. Their knowledge is just as valid as a Dominants, so talk to them.

It is not a sign of weakness to ask someone.

8. Just because you saw someone do it, doesn’t mean you can.

So you were at a D/s SIM and you saw a Mistress interacting with a sub in an interesting or kinky way. She made it look so easy that you are sure, with your vast intelligence, that you can do it as well, right?

Perhaps not!

The reason she made it look easy is because probably she has been doing it for a while. She probably has practiced on others and learn from her mistakes, and has learn to refine what to say and what the sequence of events will be to get the best enjoyment out of the situation, and to get the best out of the submissive.

So when you see something that you would like to learn, try and ask questions or watch carefully at the sequence of events. Make notes, and notice the reactions of the sub and of others around it. Of course in SL may be difficult because they may be engaged in private IMs, but it never hurts to ask.

Attend classes, many SIMs do this. If they are giving a demonstration, then they are there to answer questions, so ask them and make sure you learn all the details.

This is very true with RLV, nothing can kill the mood or send someone running away than the wrong use of RLV.

9. Honor someone’s relationship dynamic.

Many people have many different dynamics and protocols in this lifestyle. When in doubt, ask questions. Once you learn the relationship dynamics, do not dismiss them simply because you think they are silly. In reality, they may be. But if you are or want to interact with individuals who have a certain dynamic/protocol, there are only two options. Either honor it to associate with them or don’t deal with them at all.

Since that is what they have decided for themselves, your opinion will have little or no impact, so complaining or whining about it will do nothing. One day you may develop dynamics or protocols that others may find strange. Think how you would want to be treated in that situation and then behave accordingly. It’s funny how there are those who will ask to touch someone’s toys but think they can treat someone’s partner however they want.

If you are using SL as a video game where you get to play a Dominant person in god mode, then you will never learn how enjoyable it is to have a submissive that is 100% loyal to you, because she is getting what she expects to get.

10. Don’t measure yourself by someone else.

You have to develop your own style. Don’t do things just because someone else is doing them or it seems cool or because the hot little potential sub is really begging for it. If it’s not for you, it’s not for you. People are best at what truly inspires them not because of what is cool and hip. While, like high school, there is peer pressure in the BDSM scene/lifestyle, you have the choice as to whether or not you follow it, or follow your own path.

11. Keep an open mind.

There are things as a new person that you do not like that in 2 or 3 or 10 years you will totally be into. Be sure to try out and learn about different things. You never know what turns you off today will totally rock your socks tomorrow. So keep an open eye and an open mind. It will work to your benefit in the long run.

 

 

Advice for New Dominants (Part 1)

Recently we were discussing this item at the Chateau Lesbiennes de Roissy, as we had a couple of new Mistresses being considered for admittance. What advice could be give them besides the technical parts of SL. So this list is the result of six of us thinking about it.

1. You will make mistakes

New Dominants WILL make mistakes. It’s a fact of life. To be fair, experienced Dominants will make mistakes. Intermediate Dominants will make mistakes. If you are a Dominant or think you want to be a Dominant, you will make a mistake. Accept it and move on.

The only thing that makes a mistake worse is not learning from it. Mistakes are opportunities to grow and learn. Talk to people about them. Figure out what went wrong then incorporate that and try not to do it again.

If you act like everything you do is perfect and without flaw, then you are just playing a game.

2. Beating someone does not make you a Dominant.

Anyone can sit on a ball, grab a whip, flogger, or put someone on bondage in a machine. Simply because you have become adept at using equipment, or using RLV is not the mark of a Dominant. At best, it makes you a Top. Being a Top is not the same as being a Dominant. 

There is much more to being a Dominant than simply engaging in play. Do not confuse what happens in a scene as who you really are inside.

3. Be realistic about who and what you are.

If you give yourself a title such as Mistress or Goddess and you are just getting started as a Dominant, prepare to be mocked and laughed at.  True subs will see right through you and will not engage with you, while subs that are starting may go with you but will soon run away. If after a while, the Dominant role is not one that you feel comfortable with, just stop doing it.

The most powerful Dominants for the most part look, and behave very normal. When the sub is interacting with them, the dominance is obvious and the sub just melts into the relationship. Don’t make a mockery of the lifestyle because you thought it would be cool to add Master or Mistress to your name. If it is inside you, it will come out and flourish naturally as you have more experiences. The title will not do it.

4. Don’t measure yourself by someone else.

You have to develop your own style. You have to know what makes you tick and why. Don’t do things just because someone else is doing them or it seems cool or because the hot little potential sub is really begging for it. If it’s not for you, it’s not for you. People are best at what truly inspires them not because of what is cool and hip. While, like high school, there is peer pressure in the BDSM scene/lifestyle, you have the choice as to whether or not you follow it, or follow your own path.

5. Question yourself.

A Dominant who doesn’t question herself isn’t much of a Dominant. One of the tricks to being a good Dominant (if you are interested in such a thing) is looking and re-examining your actions as a Dominant. Figure out what you did and why you did it. The answers will not always come easy and they may not always be pleasant. But self-awareness and introspection are two crucial tools in a Dominants play box. Use them and use them often.

6. Try to figure out what type of Dominant you want to be and work at it.

The concept that there are many different types of Dominants and submissives (see a previous post for submissive types) seems to escape many people. Some Dominants may be sensual, caring, and very nice while others may be sadistic, cruel, and a mean person. What type you will be is up to you. But when you find a style that fits, run with it. You will find subs that match your style, don’t try to fit a sensual sub to your style, if you are a sadistic Dominant and vice-versa. Always be the best you can be by learning as much as you can about that particular style, infusing your own style along with it. And don’t be afraid to switch gears when its not working for you. After all, SL is a great platform for change and experimentation and you are in control.

Stay tuned for Part II.

How to Spot a Good Domme (Part 2)

The post that follows is part 2 of a post that is making the Internet rounds under the title “How to Spot a Good Dominant” by author unknown. It is about spotting a male Dominant. I have edited the post and added some elements to make it pertain to women and Second Life instead. If I ever find the author of the original one, I will notify her/him. Here it goes:

How to spot a good Domme

– A Domme will be very cautious in selecting you because she knows you have great desires, hopes, and dreams, and it is she that has to live up to them. Above all things she will wish to be good for you. She attempts to choose wisely but may at first make many mistakes in her choices as she finds her way.

– A Domme will make mistakes and have no fear admitting them. The Domme knows that she is not All Knowing, for she is human. A Domme who believes she never makes mistakes or does not admit to them with good cheer is most likely not a Domme.

– A Domme will not beg for anything from you. She will simply wait till you’re dying to send her your naughty pictures unsolicited and accept them with lady like composure.

– A Domme will never lie about being married or already having a girlfriend. If she’s married to vanilla, she’ll simply say so. If she’s dating vanilla, she’ll break up with her before venturing in with another (less she’s doing a poly thing and brings her along, or in an open relationship). The Domme is straightforward, will wish to be plain about her true desires and needs, and if she is attached, will be forthcoming with that information.

– A Domme won’t lie about much, though she surely will keep some of her thoughts from you. A Dom who feels swallowing golden showers to be right up your alley may well know telling you straight out might have you running for cover. This is not in itself lying, she’s just taking the appropriate steps first and at the speed she thinks you can absorb them (she may well discard such thoughts as she gets to know you). The lying ‘domme’ will have an agenda that has no bearing on your needs. The real Domme wants no part of someone for whom she cannot be good. A woman who attempts to get with a woman she cannot handle or vice versa is desperate.

– A Domme will not be heavy handed in her approach. She will be skilled at drawing you in, opening you up, making you feel at ease or on edge (depending on her tastes). Her efforts will seem effortless; even aloof at times. She will grow on you. Capture you. Enlighten you and make things seem clear that may have been once blurry. You will feel better about yourself when communicating with her (even if your desire is to live in debasement!). Only an impostor will try to tear you down in order to raise herself to higher ground. The dominate gets off by watching you soar, not fall.

In essence, taking on a submissive is both invigorating and empowering yet also a humbling experience. She may err constantly, particularly if she is new. Yet she will always, always strive to be better, and though longs and seeks challenge, she will avoid that which she knows she cannot handle, or will in some near future be unable to handle. It may take time but she will understand her own limits as well as her submissive’s.

A submissive is a truckload of challenge (ask their ex-vanilla lovers), and so the Domme needs you like she needs air. She wants your worship not simply for worship sake but because she has gone beyond the call of the norm, ventured into the realm of risk, and passing across the dangerous abyss where footing is treacherous, hopefully breaks into the sunshine of success offering you something glorious. THAT alone is why she seeks your worship; because she has earned it and deserves it.

If a woman does not seek risk and challenge in her life, if she wishes worship without venturing her ego, if she does not persist continually toward excellence in handling a woman as she does in many things, she is not a Domme.

How to Spot a Good Domme (Part I)

The post that follows is making the Internet rounds under the title “How to Spot a Good Dominant” by author unknown. It is about spotting a male Dominant. I have edited the post and added some elements to make it pertain to women and Second Life instead. If I ever find the author of the original one, I will notify her/him. Here it goes:

How to spot a good Domme!

– A Domme will not start off by with, ‘Bow down on your knees upon receipt of my instant message!’ There seems to be many complaints from women about this kind of ploy as first introduction, and this is reason alone to ‘block n’ move on.’ (I would advise anyone to use this tactic often and liberally rather than engage in arguments, or (if you are submissive), obligated in some way to engage with them …life is too short.). Ignore the Insta-Domme.

– A Domme will not seem ‘desperate’ for your attention. Finding a submissive or finding someone to have sex with is not her problem; she can find women on many SIMs, at dances, or in a shopping SIM. She knows women, and women are drawn to her. Lesbian women, kink or vanilla, prefer a woman who is take-charge both in the bedroom and in life. If a ‘Domme’ becomes frantic, anxious, or despairing because you don’t IM her back every other hour, chances are she has a hard time with being submissive. The good news is desperation is easy to spot.

– A Domme most often will be successful, a maverick, or at least happy in her chosen role in SL and in life. If she has had some bad luck in his past, it will be fleeting, for she will strive relentlessly to place her universe back into the order mandatory for her existence. If the Domme languishes in a poorly made avatar, doesn’t seem to have the means to set-up a home or get some land, hates everything about SL and has a million qualifiers in her profile about who should talk to her, then, most likely, her dominance is merely a cover-up to appease her lack of success and her self-esteem. Though she may not be a millionaire in SL, look for the woman who is happy, confident, unique, and/or successful in her chosen endeavors in SL.

– A Domme will be very interested in you, and not just your sexual needs (though they will certainly get her attention). She will see you as a puzzle, and desire to make sense of that puzzle. The Domme  loves challenge and that in essence is why so many submissives find disillusion in the vanilla world; most women do not seek challenge in sensuality, they fear it. Submissive women are the most challenging of lovers for they have great fantasy. Their fantasies often require a woman to move far outside normal gestures and that requires both skill and creativity.

– A Domme is likely to be damn good in creating a D/s scene in SL. Most women have their hands full with straight-up vanilla sex. The Domme has either mastered or has no interest in such elementary play, at least not all the time. Making a woman orgasm many times has left her bereft of sport, so she now seeks a woman who will challenge her on other levels. The Domme is going to have a good understanding of the female anatomy, a good use of the language that both people use in SL, and will persist in finding the keys to your body and mind. She certainly will be advanced in the sexuality that can be created in SL

– A Domme may have all the accoutrement of kink (the whips, chains, the castle), but she will not need them to be Domme. A whisper, a word, an emote, a swagger, a well-placed paragraph, and the deftly use of the visual tools of SL (pose balls, equipment, etc…) are the essence of her talent. Confidence is her weapon of choice, not bragging about her dungeon. Those who tout their toys too highly might well be lacking in other departments.

A Series Concerning Submissiveness – Part 5

The importance of Ritual in Creating a Submissive State of Mind

A submissive state of mind is very much an altered state of awareness.   How do you know that in SL when all you see is words? It is very difficult to know if you are actively controlling her but you may see a change in the words, or a pause after giving her some command or an action. Traditionally the more a person enters a submissive state of mind the more quiet they become so must be aware of this while you are interacting through an IM.  This state of deep submission is sometimes refereed to as subspace. It is often a dramatic transformation and one that at times may leave her very non-verbal.

To be honest with you I’m not sure if anyone can enter subspace through second life interactions. Some subs have told me that they did, but I thought maybe they were telling me this because it was what I wanted to hear. In either case, subspace is *the* place where she wants to be and the deeper you can take her, the more intense everything becomes for her.   You can make it easier for her to go into subspace by the use of ritual.   Keeping a certain formality and pattern when leading her into a scene makes it easy for her to recall past events and more easily slip back into a previous deep submissive state.

Building her anticipation for an event is a wonderful way to give her time to get into her submissive head space.   It let’s her imagination come into play and builds up her sexual arousal as she tries to envision what you have in mind for her.   Try telling her firmly to be at a certain place and time without saying why.   In the meantime, she can indulge in her submissive feelings by wondering what she may or may not have done and she’ll be imagining herself being subjected to all kinds of marvelous things.   Or, in great detail tell her *exactly* what will happen to her at a point in the near future then forbid her to mention it.   See how this works?

There are an almost infinite number of ways to make her feel submissive.   Position and symbology play a great part.   Perhaps the most effective is to place her in a collar.   A collar is a very powerful symbol of ownership, love and commitment and should be treated with great respect.   When she wears your collar she is telling you that she is yours completely and will try as hard as she can to please you in whatever you may ask of her.   It will always be in her mind that she wears her collar for *you*.

Of course in SL collars are a dime a dozen and people offer them or take them without much thought. I can’t emphasize the following point enough. In SL the sub should be made to offer you her collar, give yourself to you. Tell her that from the beginning “if you want to be mine, you will have to give me your collar on your own.” If they try to give it to you right away don’t take it, make them think about it for a while, if they run away then you know they are just game playing and not really true submissives that think you will be a good Mistress for them.

Having her assume certain standard slave positions is a way to both signal her that you are now moving into a more formal role with each other and also allow her to return to quickly enter a submissive state of mind.

I like to enhance her state of submission by using the ritual that they must wear something in RL while we are chatting in SL. This could be a ring, a necklace, a t-shirt, etc… She must have it on during our interaction in SL to remind her of the collar and that in fact she is mine. I also tell them my favorite perfume and insist that they buy it and wear some while we are interacting so she can feel like I am next to her. Doing this will make her more pliable and it will be easier for her to be transported back into the depths that she had reached during your previous scenes.

Attention to Detail

Your attention to detail is important.   You know what you want her to do and it’s important that you communicate that clearly to her.   Beyond that, it has several other purposes.   Not only does it focus her attention on you, but it lets her every day thoughts and stresses in her life fall away, and this is a wonderful escape for her.   As her Mistress, you want to give her tasks that draw out her submission and if she does allow herself to be distracted, her attention needs to be brought back to you with a few quick swats.   This also allows her to feel that she has *your* attention as much as she has yours.

Limits and Rules

A submissive woman often craves more “structure” in her life and there can be many reasons for this.   By giving your sub very clear limits and rules on her behavior, you are now creating an environment for her where she can relax and be secure in the knowledge of what is expected of her and how she can best please you.

Testing Limits

Setting rules and limits for your submissive is extremely important for it is within these boundaries she feels most cared for.   As part of her feeling secure within the relationship, she needs — even unconsciously — to test her limits.   This is an extremely important point.   If she breaks a rule and you let it slide without bringing it to her attention, you are not allowing her to feel safe within your care.   She can’t feel safe within your limits, if the limits are not there or are vague.   This testing process is something that never really stops though at first she will feel the need to test you often until she learns that you will follow through.   The sooner you do that, the quicker she will feel the reality of your concern for her.

A submissive woman *wants* a strong Mistress, one who sets guidelines on her behavior that are for her own good and then who has the strength and authority to be sure they are followed.   It’s almost impossible for me to emphasize how important a point this is.   The most common and biggest complaint I am told by submissive women is that their Mistresses are not “strict” enough.   Inconsistency on your part is see by her as a sign of weakness, and she cannot feel submissive to a weak woman.

Be Consistent

Remember that her greatest desire is to feel that she has lost control to you and must do as she is told.   If she does not do exactly as instructed she wants to know there will be a consequence, for if there is not, she will not feel your control of her is real.   If you let her down by allowing her to get away with breaking her rules, she will feel that your control over her is not real.   It’s like saying you don’t care for her enough to watch over her and she will feel a very definite lack of attention from you.

A Series Concerning Submissiveness – Part 2

Part 2 – Why does someone wants to be submissive?

Because is erotic

When someone submits emotionally and physically, their sexuality is affected in a very intense and emotionally fulfilling experience. Women that have submitted to me or others have expressed that the physical act coupled with the mental part is often the most sexually intense and emotionally fulfilling experience in their lives.

But there is an issue with this. As is often the case, many feel afraid of the intensity of their sexual energy.   They fear that if they reveal the full extent of their sexual excitement at being a submissive they will not be understood.   Often, the smallest of looks or commands will leave them drenched with sexual excitement.   A good Mistress will enjoy the pleasure that this excitement bring as she extracts each nuance of sexual pleasure from her.

How do you do that in SL? Good conversation and emoting. You need not be a para-rp person to get that fulfillment. If you remember my previous posts role playing is just that, a real relationship is not role playing. Both parties feel it. The submissive must also know that her Mistress gets as much pleasure out of this as she does.

When she gives herself to you completely, she is also giving you the freedom to explore the depths of her sexuality and passion. She expects and trusts that you will take her places she cannot go herself, to have experiences she probably cannot ask for.   She is depending on the Mistress to give her the push to get beyond any resistance she may offer. Of course it must always be safe, sane, and consensual.

Getting past resistance is where your strength and understanding as a Mistress is essential.   If you back off instead of encouraging her onward (by spank or by praise) she will not be able to explore the depths of herself.   She needs your unconditional love and support to feel safe to go where she cannot go alone.   As you sexually open her body to you, you are also opening her heart and soul.

Being with a Mistress that understands the sexuality of the situation is an extremely liberating experience for her, and allows for more and more exploration over time.  As time goes by, she will have a strong desire to reveal herself as she truly is as you help her by removing any sexual barriers built from her early years.   Even if she cannot ask, it is important to understand that the sub *wants* to overcome her resistance as much as the Mistress wants her to.

As your relationship grows and she becomes more comfortable and trusting in her knowledge that you understand her feelings, she will find it easier to admit certain sexual desires to you.   From time to time, have her tell you a “secret” fantasy of hers, or give her the assignment of writing you a short fantasy.   It’s often easier to put something in writing than to have to say it verbally.

Another way you can free her sexuality is to have her admit to you how exciting a certain activity is for her.   If you are giving her an erotic spanking, have her tell you how much she loves it.   “Begging” can also be a way to encourage her to express herself.   For example, if you suspect she enjoys anal play more than she can admit, hold the bottom plug against her opening but don’t insert it until she “begs” you to have it slipped inside her.   In this way you are “forcing” her to make an admission she probably wants to make, but is too embarrassed to share with you on her own.

More to come in part 3 ……..

A Series Concerning Submissiveness – Part 1

I’ll start the new year (I know is February already) with a series of posts (four parts I think), that will highlight the concept of submissiveness and how it relates to SL.

Part 1 – Why does someone want to be a submissive?

Because it is important to them

In my many dealing with submissive women, a common theme of every encounter is that a person that is willing to engage with a Mistress is doing it because submission is very important to that person. A true submissive attaches a value to being owned, or to be serving someone. Since in second life is normally not a physical connection, then the emotional connection becomes even more meaningful. This emotional connection (in both RL and SL) is very deep in a true submissive and they feel it to their very soul. Because of this deep connection a true D/s relationship is not a game to a true submissive.   That is the reason many SL D/s relations end so quickly, is a game for one of them and trivializes the real emotions that can be felt.

Because they want to be taken care of

A submissive woman wants someone strong to protect and watch over her.   I often hear this when I ask that direct question about the reason they want to submit to me. Of course one has to be careful about being topped from the bottom in that situation. A submissive wants to be able to relax in the safety of her Mistress and the environment she creates for her.

Part of her feeling of being taken care of by you is knowing that she has certain rules and limits for herself.   If she disobeys them, she expects to be disciplined.   When you are correcting her behavior by a punishment of some kind, several things are happening.   The first is that you care enough for her to correct her.   It is proof to her that she has your attention and you are watching over her, making sure she does what is best for herself.

If it was a task or command of your own that she disobeyed, then your punishment leaves no doubt in her mind that she must obey you and that allows her to feel secure in her submission to you.   If you set rules for her then never check to see they are followed, your message to her is that she is not worth the effort it takes to see that she has obeyed.   You are unconsciously saying she does not deserve your attention.   This lack of attention will lead to her disappearance as it is a critical part of submissiveness.

The best way to deal with this part (the rules), is to make it somewhat of a formal and clear process. As the Mistress, you want your rules obeyed and she wants to obey them and be recognized for her desire to please you.   If she “overlooks” a rule it is often a test to see if you care enough to catch it, and for you it is an opportunity to show her that she will not be allowed to get away with anything.   The stricter you are in supervising her, the more she will feel your attention and the happier she will be. Believe it or not.

More to come in part 2 ……..

 

Bondage Safety in SL

I was sitting around with my Domme friends and the subject of bondage came up. I was really surprised how many different ideas of bondage and bondage safety existed among my group. Most of us are very experienced in SL so I jumped in here to get my thoughts published.

Let’s start with a working definition of bondage. To me it is any type of restraint that limits someone’s movement.

I know that definition is very broad, but if you think about it, bondage is all about limiting physical movement using some kind of restraint method (e.g., rope, chain, rubber, latex, gags etc …).

Is it a kink or a fetish? You can visit my previous post on what makes them different but in this case, bondage can be both. Some subs want bondage to be the only thing that will satisfy them sexually, while others see is as part of pleasing the Domme and view it as a kink that they like.

One of the wonderful things about SL is that just about every type of bondage can be found and practiced. Shibaru (Japanese bondage) is very common, as well as Western, and Fusion (east meets west).

I believe the ease of experiencing bondage in SL leads to a false sense of reality in Real Life for the subs.

In RL the most difficult part of bondage is learning how to do it safely. One must learn how to “rig” a person properly and practice it. Many cases of improper applications of bondage have resulted in RL injuries (dislocated bones being the most common), long term damage (breast tying being one of the most done incorrectly), and in some cases death (gagging a person and then having them lay down or be upside down without proper monitoring).

You would think that in SL you can have the experience without worrying about safety, but in some cases SL just makes it worse because some subs at the other end try self-bondage and that can be tragic.

I remember a sub that I had and I asked her to wear a collar in RL and asked her to get a six foot silk piece that she would use as the leash to tie herself to the computer desk. This enhances the experience, but one day she said that she was losing her breath and I asked why and she said she had been pulling on the leash as tight as she could every time I did it in SL. Whoa !!

I told her to immediately take the collar and leash off and had to give her a lecture about doing things that I wasn’t telling her to do. I’ve also experience similar things like this during bondage as the sub starts to self-bondage.

So what are we to do?

First, understand that when playing in SL at the other end the person is real and may do things that she believes will please you (it is certainly pleasing her), as you play scenes in SL.

Second, ALWAYS MAKE SURE YOU CHECK THAT THE SUB IS NOT USING SELF-BONDAGE OR DOING ANYTHING WITHOUT YOUR DIRECTION.

Some people may read this and laugh thinking it is not possible, but I think that anyone that has been in SL a meaningful amount of time can recognize that the feelings are real and can be as powerful (or sometimes more) than the feelings and actions in RL.

Please be careful and always be safe

Limits? or Limiting Fun?

So hanging out at the Secret House and read a profile that goes something like this in the 2nd Life tab:

“Very submissive …. willing to do anything for my Mistress including transformation and total power exchange. If my Mistress takes pleasure in doing something to me, that is my pleasure.”

OK …. Looking good so far. So I turn to the Picks area and there is a limits tab so let’s see what she puts in there:

No RLV restrictions
No mutilation
No kill
No messing with my hair
No collar
No voice, phone, or cam 
No restriction of my ability to communicate or travel in SL
Let’s have some fun together

Her limits have just eliminated 40% of the BDSM experience and it is obvious that all she wants to do is have a quick session of play and move on. How can you have TPE with all these limits? By the time everything is followed it starts to look like vanilla sex.

Just a quick thought for tonight. I did IM the AV and she continued to tell me things that she didn’t like and wasn’t willing to do. That hit one on my hard limits “submissives that are not really submissives.”

No thank you !!!.

Kink v.s. Fetish

Someone asked me “What is the difference between a kink and a fetish?” These concepts are used by some people as if they mean the same thing, but it is important to know the difference.

So what is a kink?

A kink is normally sexual behavior considered to be outside the normal parameters of a sexual encounter. So what is normal? Think normal sexual behavior as being vanilla sex with a willing partner. The kink will be adding something not normal to the act in order to enhance the sexual experience. Normally you also would have two people engaged in the kink, but it can also be just one (or several).

Here is an example: You engage in touching your partner everywhere while having sex, soft touches as part of foreplay, using your mouth and hands on them. This would be considered normal behavior, but your partner (or you) grow bored with this vanilla sex and introduce spanking, or biting, or using objects to stimulate the touching, you are now engaged in a kink because it enhances your sexual experience. How does spanking enhance the experience? As those of you that have experienced it know, the blood flowing to the butt cheeks begins to accumulate and flow with each spank, this pool of blood makes them red and starts to put pressure in the genital area from the inside and the sexual enhancement takes place.

Kinks help the growth of a sexual relationship between partners, and help in heightening the physical and mental parts of the sexual encounter. One thing to always remember about engaging in kinks is that they must be safe, sane, and consensual between all the parties involved.

Some people argue that safewords and consent are not really needed in SL since it is just pixels, but for those of you that have experienced the powerful feelings in SL you know safety and consent are paramount for both parties.

So what is a fetish?

Whereas a kink is something done to enhance a sexual encounter between people, a fetish replaces the sexual enhancement with an object, a ritual, or even a particular person. Normally, the subject of the fetish is some kind of object and the person that has the fetish can’t become sexually aroused without the object, ritual, or person (or type of person) being involved.

An example of a fetish can be a fascination with leather, or hosiery, or high heels (infinite list). It can also be the fascination with some kind of ritual (doesn’t have to be sexual), like being treated like a bride, or being a maid. The sexual arousal happens only if the ritual or action is happening as the person expects or the fetish object is present and being used the correct way.

As you see, there is some overlap but the terms are very different situations. Your sub may have a fetish for being spanked only with a cane, or a paddle, but definitely not with a hand. Or your sub likes being spanked because of the sexual enhancement, but it is not required for sexual arousal. You could do other things with your partner. If spanking is a fetish and not a kink for your partner, she may become dissatisfied with you if you don’t do it every encounter.

The number of kinks and fetishes is probably unlimited so how do you communicate what you like and don’t like?

How about just trial and error using safe words? This approach is appropriate for a new relationship with a sub that may not know her limits but it will take time and patience from both of you.

Some avatars in SL carry a fetish/kink list which someone made up and they grade their willingness to participate in certain fetishes. The list is in a notecard and they will probably tell you that they have it and give it to you. If you contact Nubia Renfold in SL she has volunteered to hand them out if you need one.

Another option (that is becoming very popular), is the use of f-list as it can be shared with anyone (that the person wants), and it has several hundred (yes hundred) fetish and kinks in the list. A Mistress or sub can easily look at it and search it to get acquainted with the person’s preferences.

The bottom line is to know whether your sub (or you) is engaging in a kink or a fetish. If you can tell the difference between the two, then your overall relationship will grow and be much more enhanced.