What does a long-term D/s relationship in SL look like?

I have been canvassing some people about this very question for the last few weeks and everyone seems to have a different idea but most end up saying the same thing “It is very difficult to maintain that type of relationship with time zones, and RL interruptions.” 

So that is the opening fact to talk about long-term relationships.

Of course time zones are very critical as I have mentioned in the past, and RL interruptions are bound to happen, but I beg to differ on the latter point. I like to think about it as a RL relationship. We personally know that if two people want to be in a relationship and each person really wants it then they will make up time for it, and work around any issues that are happening in their personal lives. That is the hallmark of a good relationship.

Carrying that to SL I would expect the same to happen. Nothing out of the ordinary happens as both people talk, make sure they know when they will be coming in. Reserving time in RL to meet in SL, etc… These actions will lead to a healthy long-term relationship. Now that doesn’t mean the Domme and sub are best friends and have to share everything, it just means that each person respects the other’s time and makes an active effort. One of my favorite subs changed her RL schedule so she could fit mine and we could meet for longer periods of time inworld, oh yes and she was in Europe and I’m in the U.S. It can be done if both people try.

But if after only a few days you start to see the signs of non-commitment (false logons (in and out), logons at different times than normal, unclicking the friend box so their Domme or sub can’t see their online presence, and many other behaviors), then don’t fool yourself believing that this is going to be anything long-term.

I’ve only had three real long-term subs and it was difficult but extremely rewarding. It is a good way to come into SL and enjoy the virtual world as it was meant to be.

How do you know at the beginning if this is going to work? I personally tell the sub that if she really means it then we need to make a schedule of times to meet at first. I let her set the schedule and I adjust my time (since I’m very flexible with time), if the commitment is there, she will be inworld on time and consistently. We can then take it from there.

I’m open to comments in this very issue from both RL and SL relationships. It goes without saying that compatibility needs to be there, but I just wanted to look at the meeting issue for now.

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The Contents of a Sub’s Inventory Matter

Last night I was talking with a new person in SL (will try not to use av anymore, since we are all people). She was only about fifteen days old and was a bit frustrated about how Mistresses didn’t want to have anything with her because of her SL age.

I can understand her frustration since we all were there once and back in my newbie days I could barely keep my hair in between TPs but yet I expected for people to talk to me as if I was part of the group already.

As the conversation progressed, I got to thinking of how the inventory that a sub already has really makes a difference.

If she already had cuffs, gag, harness, collar, maybe iControl, a Mars Ring, etc…, it would make the life for a Mistress that much easier. I enjoy good BDSM equipment to be used along in the play, specially if I am familiar with it allowing me to make easier transitions with my words as I make the sub do different things to please me or to punish her.

Even better if the sub has already set #RLV folders and she lets you know ahead of time, or you discover them when you are using the collar. The flow of the words is seamless.

So the newbie sub didn’t have any of these equipment. I recommended that she get some of the basics, and look for good quality freebies. The main issue of course being that the amount of equipment out there is very large. Some key systems for cuffs, harnesses, and gags requires a course on their use. It is frustrating in some cases and in others it causes the sub to run away because the equipment takes away from the flow of each interaction.

I told her “you can see how this is frustrating and some Mistresses prefer someone that has been around and possibly has some equipment that is common in SL.”

Of course the other side of this coin is this: Should the Mistress buy all the equipment for the sub? Or make her buy it all. Some subs believe that the Mistress is fully responsible (financially of course), for getting each sub equipped.

The way I do it is simple. I tell the sub that this is a shared arrangement. I pay for the land and the house where we live, I will buy certain things for her, and she is responsible for the rest of the things that I want. She can find freebies or buy them, but I have to approve all the purchases ahead of time so that way I know what I will be working with. That is not too much to ask.

Inventory does matter in the beginnings of a D/s SL relationship.

Limits? or Limiting Fun?

So hanging out at the Secret House and read a profile that goes something like this in the 2nd Life tab:

“Very submissive …. willing to do anything for my Mistress including transformation and total power exchange. If my Mistress takes pleasure in doing something to me, that is my pleasure.”

OK …. Looking good so far. So I turn to the Picks area and there is a limits tab so let’s see what she puts in there:

No RLV restrictions
No mutilation
No kill
No messing with my hair
No collar
No voice, phone, or cam 
No restriction of my ability to communicate or travel in SL
Let’s have some fun together

Her limits have just eliminated 40% of the BDSM experience and it is obvious that all she wants to do is have a quick session of play and move on. How can you have TPE with all these limits? By the time everything is followed it starts to look like vanilla sex.

Just a quick thought for tonight. I did IM the AV and she continued to tell me things that she didn’t like and wasn’t willing to do. That hit one on my hard limits “submissives that are not really submissives.”

No thank you !!!.

Kink v.s. Fetish

Someone asked me “What is the difference between a kink and a fetish?” These concepts are used by some people as if they mean the same thing, but it is important to know the difference.

So what is a kink?

A kink is normally sexual behavior considered to be outside the normal parameters of a sexual encounter. So what is normal? Think normal sexual behavior as being vanilla sex with a willing partner. The kink will be adding something not normal to the act in order to enhance the sexual experience. Normally you also would have two people engaged in the kink, but it can also be just one (or several).

Here is an example: You engage in touching your partner everywhere while having sex, soft touches as part of foreplay, using your mouth and hands on them. This would be considered normal behavior, but your partner (or you) grow bored with this vanilla sex and introduce spanking, or biting, or using objects to stimulate the touching, you are now engaged in a kink because it enhances your sexual experience. How does spanking enhance the experience? As those of you that have experienced it know, the blood flowing to the butt cheeks begins to accumulate and flow with each spank, this pool of blood makes them red and starts to put pressure in the genital area from the inside and the sexual enhancement takes place.

Kinks help the growth of a sexual relationship between partners, and help in heightening the physical and mental parts of the sexual encounter. One thing to always remember about engaging in kinks is that they must be safe, sane, and consensual between all the parties involved.

Some people argue that safewords and consent are not really needed in SL since it is just pixels, but for those of you that have experienced the powerful feelings in SL you know safety and consent are paramount for both parties.

So what is a fetish?

Whereas a kink is something done to enhance a sexual encounter between people, a fetish replaces the sexual enhancement with an object, a ritual, or even a particular person. Normally, the subject of the fetish is some kind of object and the person that has the fetish can’t become sexually aroused without the object, ritual, or person (or type of person) being involved.

An example of a fetish can be a fascination with leather, or hosiery, or high heels (infinite list). It can also be the fascination with some kind of ritual (doesn’t have to be sexual), like being treated like a bride, or being a maid. The sexual arousal happens only if the ritual or action is happening as the person expects or the fetish object is present and being used the correct way.

As you see, there is some overlap but the terms are very different situations. Your sub may have a fetish for being spanked only with a cane, or a paddle, but definitely not with a hand. Or your sub likes being spanked because of the sexual enhancement, but it is not required for sexual arousal. You could do other things with your partner. If spanking is a fetish and not a kink for your partner, she may become dissatisfied with you if you don’t do it every encounter.

The number of kinks and fetishes is probably unlimited so how do you communicate what you like and don’t like?

How about just trial and error using safe words? This approach is appropriate for a new relationship with a sub that may not know her limits but it will take time and patience from both of you.

Some avatars in SL carry a fetish/kink list which someone made up and they grade their willingness to participate in certain fetishes. The list is in a notecard and they will probably tell you that they have it and give it to you. If you contact Nubia Renfold in SL she has volunteered to hand them out if you need one.

Another option (that is becoming very popular), is the use of f-list as it can be shared with anyone (that the person wants), and it has several hundred (yes hundred) fetish and kinks in the list. A Mistress or sub can easily look at it and search it to get acquainted with the person’s preferences.

The bottom line is to know whether your sub (or you) is engaging in a kink or a fetish. If you can tell the difference between the two, then your overall relationship will grow and be much more enhanced.