A Review of BDSM places for Women in SL

As I mentioned a few weeks back, I’v been compiling a list of SL lesbian D/s clubs since people inworld often ask me for new locations or locations I would recommend. I have a list of over sixty clubs and I realized that this was going to be a very long post (and didn’t want to break it up), so what I’ll do instead is give you what I believe are the most promising places in SL for lesbian BDSM. Notice that I am saying lesbian so any places that allow men or are not lesbian BDSM are not included. Even though the list is written by me, this time I interviewed 30 Dommes and 30 subs to find their tastes (I hope it is a better sample). At the end of the day it is my list. Good luck visiting these places.

A technical note, traffic according to Linden Labs means this: “Traffic will be the cumulative minutes spent on the parcel by all visitors to the parcel within the previous day.”

#1 The Lesbian Society (SLURL) – Previous ranking #3

The average traffic per day is now a healthy 10,000 avatar minutes per day.  The D/s ratio is about 3:10. It continues to be a place where you see a lot of Dommes, but the ratio of subs has increased dramatically.

The place is set in a very large castle and it definitely has the right atmosphere. I ranked them #1 because the owner (Mistress Victoria), continues to provide personal attention to the place and  engages people with chat. Local chat is very heavily used in this place which is becoming more of a rarity in SL. The group size is around 1550 so it really hasn’t grown that much over the years but at a good steady pace. The weekly meet and greets are very popular.

When I first reviewed this place, it was only six months old. The fact that it has passed the test of time definitely makes it a place to visit.

The place has grown over the years, and now includes two private rooms (a dungeon and an apartment), and several public areas (dungeon, bathhouse, slave storage, pony circle, HuCow stables, art gallery, shibari basement, a nude beach, and a Japanese garden/bath.

Most of the people I talked to enjoy the art gallery and the fact that every week there is a new exhibit of erotic lesbian art.

According to the owner a lot of the traffic is European, and the US traffic is just now beginning to build. So the number of people there will be time zone dependent.

I highly recommend this place since the atmosphere and the dynamics with the owner make it very interesting.

#2 Amelie’s Garden and Dungeon (SLURL) – Previous ranking #2

The average traffic per day has gone down to around 4100 avatar minutes per day, but the place continues to be a favorite of many people. Like most successful places, things don’t change too fast, and the owner really pays attention to the needs of the people that visit.  The D/s ratio is about 1:4 but this is deceiving as many Domes bring their subs there.

The place is clearly a D/s lesbian place, it is very expansive, but it has an incredible range of activities all of them very well built with attention to all the details.  Places to visit inside Amelie’s include: The Old House, the Ruins (medieval castle), the Forgotten Cells (medieval prison), a Pony Track and Barn, the Mansion (where most people gather), a Pool, Maid Quarters, a Wine Cellar, Basements, Catacombs, a Crypt, a Space Ship, The Bunker Club, and a few others.  Music is appropriate for the setting.

As it can be seen, there is a lot to do and find at Amelie’s. I like this place because it is a great place to bring a newly discovered sub to test out her will and disposition and help you make up your mind about her.  You can landmark individual spots and return to them, and also just about all the BDSM equipment you will need. It is a fantastic place and I normally donate in their box as appreciation to the level of detail you find there.

Why not #1? Because is not really a place to come and meet people. It can happen, but most avs are spread across the large SIM area and not gathered in one place.  You need to seek them out and most of the time they are already paired up and using the place as it was intended.  Sometimes you do find a gathering outside the mansion area.

It is women only, but I’m not sure that if a man shows up, there will be someone to take care of him promptly.

If you go there use the SLURL above and when you land in the main entrance area, click on the Amelie’s logo for a notecard that will give you the landmarks to each specific spot. That is a nice feature. Of  course, you can always explore the whole place.

#3 Venustus (SLURL) – Previous ranking #4

The average traffic per day is around 35000 avatar minutes per day and it has changed quite a bit since my review four years ago.  The D/s ratio is about 1:10.

Even though this is just typical SL club (DJ, dancing, surrounding mall, dance poles, etc…..) it is a good place to find people interested in the lifestyle. Plenty of traffic keeps the people coming in and there is plenty of themes, conversation,  a trivia ball.

A good place to meet people in a more commercial environment.

What the place lacks is the atmosphere of BDSM and the intimacy of close connections to be made and then go to a place inside to enjoy.

It is women only and well managed with availability of staff when problems occur.

#4 The Secret House (SLURL) – Previous ranking #1

With an average traffic of over 28,000 avatar minutes per day, it continues to be the most popular BDSM place for lesbians. Why the drop all the way to #4?

It advertises itself as an old/young and D/s club, and it has a dungeon, some private areas (most within hearing range of the main floor), and an open floor plan without much clutter. The club itself is cozy enough in the main floor, and each area is well separated.

Dommes and subs frequent the place with a Domme to sub ratio of about 1:8 (not unusual in these type of places). It is well visited throughout the day as many Europeans visit the place (German and French), and of course a heavy U.S. presence.

So why the drop from #1 to #4? The main reason is the recent change of ownership and the announcement that the place will be moving and some changes will be made. Add to that the fact that membership to the group and access to the place costs 250L and the new owner has stated that it will go up to 500L when it moves.

The traffic to Secret House has been in a steady decline since they started charging membership fees to join the group, and changes of ownership with a change in location normally makes it difficult for a place to regain its former glory.

It could be that in the next review Secret House makes it back to the top, but right now I can’t rank it higher until I see what the new changes will be. My interviews with people were mixed, but a small majority did state that they wouldn’t be going back after the move.

It is women only and well managed with availability of staff when problems occur.

#5 The Lesbian Loft (SLURL) – Previous ranking none

A new place that is getting some play. This is not the same Caged Club that was popular a couple of years ago. This one has a new owner and location. The D/s ration is about 1:5

With an average of 3500 avatar minutes per day, it has enough traffic to meet people in a regular basis.

I recommend a visit, and if there are people there, you can get some good interactions going.

The place advertises to be TG friendly and you will find more TGs there than in the other places.

It is female av only, but I didn’t see any staff available. It is definitely a pose ball, get down to sex or BDSM in a hurry kind of place.

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Her Obsession vs. My Interest

For the past few weeks I have been IMng with a very cute and interesting sub I met at the Lesbian Society. My interest in her was increasing over time, as we seemed to have the right connection. As we chatted it was obvious that she was feeling the same way and was becoming more and more submissive and pliable as time went by.

Then … (as it happens in SL), my RL got a bit hectic and didn’t come to SL as often as I was doing before. As a good communicator I told my prospective sub that I would be off SL for some days, and even went as far as to tell her exactly what days I wouldn’t be on because of RL commitments.

To my surprise (but maybe not since I have seen it before with others)  after being gone for two days, I arrived to a string of emails, that went from “I miss you,” to “What can I do to be your perfect sub,” to “I guess you don’t care about me anymore.”

Like I wrote above, I have seen this before and of course it is a big turn off specially after I thought that I had communicated clearly.

But that is not what this post is all about. I had to give this background information to get to my point.

What I realized – for the first time -, is that her level of commitment to being a sub is so intense that has become obsessive in her life. Now, it could be the addictive aspects of SL, it could be infatuation, or many other things, but her level of engagement is a lot different than mine.

For her being owned and having a Mistress is an obsession, while for me selecting a sub is a long-term process that requires patience, and being able to juggle RL commitments while getting there.

Her obsession doesn’t match my interests at that time. Therefore the relationship is doomed to fail from the start.

In the past I have dismissed this as the person being too needy and immature, but now I know it doesn’t have to be just that. It is also caused by an obsession within that person that is being driven by the same feelings that make her such a good submissive.

The question then becomes, can I change her obsession in the short term so we can have a better relation in the long term.

After I realized this, I did IMng her and expressed my thoughts about her being obsessed, and needing to change her perspective so this wouldn’t jeopardize the long term of the relationship. Her answer was “since you were not here for two days and are not clear about your intentions with me, I have found another Mistress. I am blocking you forever.”

Ok, perhaps she is immature, but perhaps she is being driven by her obsession and not able to think clearly. Will she be the same in SL three years from now?

I can only reference my first few years in SL with my closest friends. Looking back  I was a bit obsessed with my life in SL. Couldn’t wait to get on, would spend full nights at the computer, had the app on my phone, constantly checking and logging in, and I am sure I didn’t have much patience with people that were not around often enough. I made five great friends from those early years, we were all doing the same things together. Today, I barely see them as they have become more selective about their time in SL just like I have. Our friendships are still strong and steady.

That is were I want to get with a sub in SL.

Submissives Must Not Be Doormats

Joey W. Hill writes about BDSM. One of my favorite quotes from her is: “If my Master is lost, I’ll find him. I’ll lead him back to himself, because to serve doesn’t always mean to follow.”

The reason I am quoting her now is because recently in several profiles  I’ve seen the following quote from Anais Nin “I do not want to be the leader. I refuse to be the leader. I want to live darkly and richly in my femaleness. I want a man lying over me, always over me. His will, his pleasure, his desire, his life, his work, his sexuality the touchstone, the command, my pivot.”  Some see this quote as the ultimate meaning of being a submissive.

I would argue that to believe that one can have a successful D/s relationship as a submissive while giving up all responsibility for taking the lead at times is not only flawed but it’s self-destructive to both Domme and sub.

This is what I’ve encountered in SL more than just a few times. When these subs express this to me, then I tell them that what they really want is to be a slave and not have any choice, but they correct me. In fact what they want is for the Domme to do all the work for them.

Contrary to popular myth, a Domme is not some infallible and omnipotent being. A Domme is human and subject to human stresses, pressures, emotions, and needs. Sometimes that seeming rock of a Domme succumbs to the pressures of life, work, relationships, family, or loss, and suddenly does not seem so Domme. A Domme can lose her way every bit as much as can a submissive. Many Dommes, when confronted with overwhelming pressures or loss, will slip into their cave of self-imposed exile and retreat from the world.

They often do not express themselves and the weight that they bear. That is part of what makes them seem so Domme. Yet to the intimate D/s submissive partner, this self-imposed isolation by a Domme can feel like rejection. When the Domme withdraws, the submissive can themselves feel lost.

With that in mind, reading the Joey Hill quote again. “If my Mistress is lost, I’ll find him. I’ll lead him back to herself, because to serve does not always mean to follow.” I would argue that when a Mistress is not feeling so terribly Dominant, when a Domme is not feeling so terribly in control of their world, it is indeed the hour of glory for a submissive to truly shine in her devotion.

Under these circumstances, leading a Mistress back to themselves is not an exercise in brattiness or challenging them to be Domme, or to take action of some sort. No. This is the moment when a submissive can lead her Domme back to hersefl by being the most devoted and submissive self. It is leadership through service. Not badgering or shaming the Domme about poor performance, that only makes matters worse.

The submissive leads her Domme back to her dominance by giving them what they seem to have momentarily lost in life; control. Through loving devotion and service, the submissive gives her Domme what she has lost, and in so doing slowly breathes life back into her own Mistress. This is not leadership in the overt traditional sense of command and control, or even leadership by example. This is leadership through service and devotion.

Ultimately, by leadership through service a submissive leads her Mistress back to being her most authentic self.

 

 

Advice for New Dominants (Part 2)

7. Ask questions.

Ask as many questions as you can of who you can. You can learn something from almost everyone, even if it is what not to do or what you don’t want to do. The more questions you ask of individuals the more informed you will become. And don’t limit yourself to just Dominants. There are submissives and slaves out there with a wealth of experience and knowledge who you can draw from as well. Their knowledge is just as valid as a Dominants, so talk to them.

It is not a sign of weakness to ask someone.

8. Just because you saw someone do it, doesn’t mean you can.

So you were at a D/s SIM and you saw a Mistress interacting with a sub in an interesting or kinky way. She made it look so easy that you are sure, with your vast intelligence, that you can do it as well, right?

Perhaps not!

The reason she made it look easy is because probably she has been doing it for a while. She probably has practiced on others and learn from her mistakes, and has learn to refine what to say and what the sequence of events will be to get the best enjoyment out of the situation, and to get the best out of the submissive.

So when you see something that you would like to learn, try and ask questions or watch carefully at the sequence of events. Make notes, and notice the reactions of the sub and of others around it. Of course in SL may be difficult because they may be engaged in private IMs, but it never hurts to ask.

Attend classes, many SIMs do this. If they are giving a demonstration, then they are there to answer questions, so ask them and make sure you learn all the details.

This is very true with RLV, nothing can kill the mood or send someone running away than the wrong use of RLV.

9. Honor someone’s relationship dynamic.

Many people have many different dynamics and protocols in this lifestyle. When in doubt, ask questions. Once you learn the relationship dynamics, do not dismiss them simply because you think they are silly. In reality, they may be. But if you are or want to interact with individuals who have a certain dynamic/protocol, there are only two options. Either honor it to associate with them or don’t deal with them at all.

Since that is what they have decided for themselves, your opinion will have little or no impact, so complaining or whining about it will do nothing. One day you may develop dynamics or protocols that others may find strange. Think how you would want to be treated in that situation and then behave accordingly. It’s funny how there are those who will ask to touch someone’s toys but think they can treat someone’s partner however they want.

If you are using SL as a video game where you get to play a Dominant person in god mode, then you will never learn how enjoyable it is to have a submissive that is 100% loyal to you, because she is getting what she expects to get.

10. Don’t measure yourself by someone else.

You have to develop your own style. Don’t do things just because someone else is doing them or it seems cool or because the hot little potential sub is really begging for it. If it’s not for you, it’s not for you. People are best at what truly inspires them not because of what is cool and hip. While, like high school, there is peer pressure in the BDSM scene/lifestyle, you have the choice as to whether or not you follow it, or follow your own path.

11. Keep an open mind.

There are things as a new person that you do not like that in 2 or 3 or 10 years you will totally be into. Be sure to try out and learn about different things. You never know what turns you off today will totally rock your socks tomorrow. So keep an open eye and an open mind. It will work to your benefit in the long run.

 

 

Advice for New Dominants (Part 1)

Recently we were discussing this item at the Chateau Lesbiennes de Roissy, as we had a couple of new Mistresses being considered for admittance. What advice could be give them besides the technical parts of SL. So this list is the result of six of us thinking about it.

1. You will make mistakes

New Dominants WILL make mistakes. It’s a fact of life. To be fair, experienced Dominants will make mistakes. Intermediate Dominants will make mistakes. If you are a Dominant or think you want to be a Dominant, you will make a mistake. Accept it and move on.

The only thing that makes a mistake worse is not learning from it. Mistakes are opportunities to grow and learn. Talk to people about them. Figure out what went wrong then incorporate that and try not to do it again.

If you act like everything you do is perfect and without flaw, then you are just playing a game.

2. Beating someone does not make you a Dominant.

Anyone can sit on a ball, grab a whip, flogger, or put someone on bondage in a machine. Simply because you have become adept at using equipment, or using RLV is not the mark of a Dominant. At best, it makes you a Top. Being a Top is not the same as being a Dominant. 

There is much more to being a Dominant than simply engaging in play. Do not confuse what happens in a scene as who you really are inside.

3. Be realistic about who and what you are.

If you give yourself a title such as Mistress or Goddess and you are just getting started as a Dominant, prepare to be mocked and laughed at.  True subs will see right through you and will not engage with you, while subs that are starting may go with you but will soon run away. If after a while, the Dominant role is not one that you feel comfortable with, just stop doing it.

The most powerful Dominants for the most part look, and behave very normal. When the sub is interacting with them, the dominance is obvious and the sub just melts into the relationship. Don’t make a mockery of the lifestyle because you thought it would be cool to add Master or Mistress to your name. If it is inside you, it will come out and flourish naturally as you have more experiences. The title will not do it.

4. Don’t measure yourself by someone else.

You have to develop your own style. You have to know what makes you tick and why. Don’t do things just because someone else is doing them or it seems cool or because the hot little potential sub is really begging for it. If it’s not for you, it’s not for you. People are best at what truly inspires them not because of what is cool and hip. While, like high school, there is peer pressure in the BDSM scene/lifestyle, you have the choice as to whether or not you follow it, or follow your own path.

5. Question yourself.

A Dominant who doesn’t question herself isn’t much of a Dominant. One of the tricks to being a good Dominant (if you are interested in such a thing) is looking and re-examining your actions as a Dominant. Figure out what you did and why you did it. The answers will not always come easy and they may not always be pleasant. But self-awareness and introspection are two crucial tools in a Dominants play box. Use them and use them often.

6. Try to figure out what type of Dominant you want to be and work at it.

The concept that there are many different types of Dominants and submissives (see a previous post for submissive types) seems to escape many people. Some Dominants may be sensual, caring, and very nice while others may be sadistic, cruel, and a mean person. What type you will be is up to you. But when you find a style that fits, run with it. You will find subs that match your style, don’t try to fit a sensual sub to your style, if you are a sadistic Dominant and vice-versa. Always be the best you can be by learning as much as you can about that particular style, infusing your own style along with it. And don’t be afraid to switch gears when its not working for you. After all, SL is a great platform for change and experimentation and you are in control.

Stay tuned for Part II.

Full Disclosure Please

As always, in a long chat with my friends we started talking about something that has happened to all of us at least once (to me many more times than that), and that is the lack of full disclosure from the sub about who they are in real life and what they really want.

So far, we’ve seen three scenarios play out:

Domme that wants to be sub but not a switch – In this scenario you are approached by a fellow “Domme” and she compliments you on your looks, profile, etc. Then you get to talk about subs and how she is so experienced with them, has a couple and somehow the conversation starts turning into how she doesn’t mind giving up control to another Domme so both can “play” together. Or words to that effect. Talk about topping from the bottom. If they are really submissive then act like it right away and don’t try to fool anyone. I lose all respect for you if you approach me this way. What other tricks will you try to play.

Sub that wants to be your sub so she can Domme you later on –  I can spot these type very quickly, as their questions, profile, look, and overall demeanor don’t show any submissive traits. At  least with this type I don’t waste very much time.

Gender switching – We’ve all been there when after two months of cultivating a sub, developing a good relationship, starting to develop trust, and everything going well, he/she drops the bomb. “err…. Mistress I have something important to tell you” … Yes?  “In RL I am a boy (or girl if it is a man). We all agreed that this is the biggest turn off and disappointment that we experience. Hey most of us will Domme a man even though we prefer women. I will even go as far to say that I don’t mind feminizing a guy over a period of time, but in either case, they really need to disclose who they are when the question is asked.

In a previous post I did talk of how I ask early on, but even though most disclose, the few that don’t always seem to disclose at the moment the relationship is about to go to a higher plane. Why then? Probably because they have been feeling guilty all along.

In our discussion about one-third of the Mistresses said that they would forgive them and keep on going, but the remaining two-thirds would not. I am in the latter group, and to me lack of full disclosure is a show stopper and an immediate break in the relationship. Of course after that the alt invariably shows up.

Just tell the truth from the beginning.

Comments on mesh bodies

I normally don’t comment on fashion trends or item trends, but the nature of mesh bodies has gotten a lot of attention lately and some people keep asking my opinion about it.

I’ll begin by saying that many people ask me what kind of mesh body I’m using and are shocked when I tell them that I am using a regular SL body. They seem skeptical as they state that it looks so good. I do remind them that SL still has amazing skin makers for SL bodies. Some of these skins are better than the skins that come standard in any of the mesh bodies available.  So it is possible to look just as good.

At the same time, the shape also makes a difference. Finding a well proportioned shape that has nuances to it is not hard and there are many great shape makers in-world.

Two mesh items that are a must, are mesh hands and feet. The SL hands and feet are just plain ugly to be wearing around. I use appliers to blend the hands and feet with the SL body. The blending took me a while to figure out but once I did, everything is seamless.

That said, I’ve nothing against mesh bodies. They look gorgeous with or without clothes all the time. Having a SL body you have to work a little harder to make it look as good or even a little better. I’m sure I’ll be wearing a mesh body soon enough since I’m starting to see some amazing ones.

Where the big difference still persists is in the mesh heads. I don’t have to remind you that the abundance of mesh heads makes some gatherings look like the “Return of the Clones” and a lot of them are expressionless or worst yet, have some crazy animations that make the person look ridiculous when they laugh or the teeth are shown. Developers still have a lot of work to do.

But … the heads don’t have to look like clones. I was talking with a person that had the expressionless clone head (and the eyes in the wrong spots inside the head), and I told her that with a little make-up (a make-up applier), and some editing she could look a lot nicer and just a tad different, she didn’t know. I asked her to open the hud for her head and of course is as complicated as it can be, and a lot of add-on appliers create an added cost to the already expensive head. She just didn’t know all the possibilities with a mesh head and didn’t realize that she had to change some settings to make the eyes fit correctly.

All of this reminds me of the early days in SL when we had to edit each individual object to make it fit well on our bodies (oh yes we still have to do that even with mesh bodies). There is a learning curve, but it is worth it.

P.S: Bento heads are a whole other topic. All I’ll say now is this, if you don’t know how to edit it “DON’T TOUCH IT.”

How to Spot a Good Domme (Part 2)

The post that follows is part 2 of a post that is making the Internet rounds under the title “How to Spot a Good Dominant” by author unknown. It is about spotting a male Dominant. I have edited the post and added some elements to make it pertain to women and Second Life instead. If I ever find the author of the original one, I will notify her/him. Here it goes:

How to spot a good Domme

– A Domme will be very cautious in selecting you because she knows you have great desires, hopes, and dreams, and it is she that has to live up to them. Above all things she will wish to be good for you. She attempts to choose wisely but may at first make many mistakes in her choices as she finds her way.

– A Domme will make mistakes and have no fear admitting them. The Domme knows that she is not All Knowing, for she is human. A Domme who believes she never makes mistakes or does not admit to them with good cheer is most likely not a Domme.

– A Domme will not beg for anything from you. She will simply wait till you’re dying to send her your naughty pictures unsolicited and accept them with lady like composure.

– A Domme will never lie about being married or already having a girlfriend. If she’s married to vanilla, she’ll simply say so. If she’s dating vanilla, she’ll break up with her before venturing in with another (less she’s doing a poly thing and brings her along, or in an open relationship). The Domme is straightforward, will wish to be plain about her true desires and needs, and if she is attached, will be forthcoming with that information.

– A Domme won’t lie about much, though she surely will keep some of her thoughts from you. A Dom who feels swallowing golden showers to be right up your alley may well know telling you straight out might have you running for cover. This is not in itself lying, she’s just taking the appropriate steps first and at the speed she thinks you can absorb them (she may well discard such thoughts as she gets to know you). The lying ‘domme’ will have an agenda that has no bearing on your needs. The real Domme wants no part of someone for whom she cannot be good. A woman who attempts to get with a woman she cannot handle or vice versa is desperate.

– A Domme will not be heavy handed in her approach. She will be skilled at drawing you in, opening you up, making you feel at ease or on edge (depending on her tastes). Her efforts will seem effortless; even aloof at times. She will grow on you. Capture you. Enlighten you and make things seem clear that may have been once blurry. You will feel better about yourself when communicating with her (even if your desire is to live in debasement!). Only an impostor will try to tear you down in order to raise herself to higher ground. The dominate gets off by watching you soar, not fall.

In essence, taking on a submissive is both invigorating and empowering yet also a humbling experience. She may err constantly, particularly if she is new. Yet she will always, always strive to be better, and though longs and seeks challenge, she will avoid that which she knows she cannot handle, or will in some near future be unable to handle. It may take time but she will understand her own limits as well as her submissive’s.

A submissive is a truckload of challenge (ask their ex-vanilla lovers), and so the Domme needs you like she needs air. She wants your worship not simply for worship sake but because she has gone beyond the call of the norm, ventured into the realm of risk, and passing across the dangerous abyss where footing is treacherous, hopefully breaks into the sunshine of success offering you something glorious. THAT alone is why she seeks your worship; because she has earned it and deserves it.

If a woman does not seek risk and challenge in her life, if she wishes worship without venturing her ego, if she does not persist continually toward excellence in handling a woman as she does in many things, she is not a Domme.

How to Spot a Good Domme (Part I)

The post that follows is making the Internet rounds under the title “How to Spot a Good Dominant” by author unknown. It is about spotting a male Dominant. I have edited the post and added some elements to make it pertain to women and Second Life instead. If I ever find the author of the original one, I will notify her/him. Here it goes:

How to spot a good Domme!

– A Domme will not start off by with, ‘Bow down on your knees upon receipt of my instant message!’ There seems to be many complaints from women about this kind of ploy as first introduction, and this is reason alone to ‘block n’ move on.’ (I would advise anyone to use this tactic often and liberally rather than engage in arguments, or (if you are submissive), obligated in some way to engage with them …life is too short.). Ignore the Insta-Domme.

– A Domme will not seem ‘desperate’ for your attention. Finding a submissive or finding someone to have sex with is not her problem; she can find women on many SIMs, at dances, or in a shopping SIM. She knows women, and women are drawn to her. Lesbian women, kink or vanilla, prefer a woman who is take-charge both in the bedroom and in life. If a ‘Domme’ becomes frantic, anxious, or despairing because you don’t IM her back every other hour, chances are she has a hard time with being submissive. The good news is desperation is easy to spot.

– A Domme most often will be successful, a maverick, or at least happy in her chosen role in SL and in life. If she has had some bad luck in his past, it will be fleeting, for she will strive relentlessly to place her universe back into the order mandatory for her existence. If the Domme languishes in a poorly made avatar, doesn’t seem to have the means to set-up a home or get some land, hates everything about SL and has a million qualifiers in her profile about who should talk to her, then, most likely, her dominance is merely a cover-up to appease her lack of success and her self-esteem. Though she may not be a millionaire in SL, look for the woman who is happy, confident, unique, and/or successful in her chosen endeavors in SL.

– A Domme will be very interested in you, and not just your sexual needs (though they will certainly get her attention). She will see you as a puzzle, and desire to make sense of that puzzle. The Domme  loves challenge and that in essence is why so many submissives find disillusion in the vanilla world; most women do not seek challenge in sensuality, they fear it. Submissive women are the most challenging of lovers for they have great fantasy. Their fantasies often require a woman to move far outside normal gestures and that requires both skill and creativity.

– A Domme is likely to be damn good in creating a D/s scene in SL. Most women have their hands full with straight-up vanilla sex. The Domme has either mastered or has no interest in such elementary play, at least not all the time. Making a woman orgasm many times has left her bereft of sport, so she now seeks a woman who will challenge her on other levels. The Domme is going to have a good understanding of the female anatomy, a good use of the language that both people use in SL, and will persist in finding the keys to your body and mind. She certainly will be advanced in the sexuality that can be created in SL

– A Domme may have all the accoutrement of kink (the whips, chains, the castle), but she will not need them to be Domme. A whisper, a word, an emote, a swagger, a well-placed paragraph, and the deftly use of the visual tools of SL (pose balls, equipment, etc…) are the essence of her talent. Confidence is her weapon of choice, not bragging about her dungeon. Those who tout their toys too highly might well be lacking in other departments.

A Series Concerning Submissiveness – Final Part

Final part – The routine

What kinds of rules and limits are appropriate?

The kinds of rules and limits you set for your slavegirl depend on your wishes and insight as to what you feel is best for her, taking into great consideration her goals for herself.   I would suggest that in the beginning, the fewer rules you have for her the better.   This way she can be very clear on what is expected of her and it will make it easier for you to enforce them.   Sit down with her and discuss the rules you feel she needs.   I think you’ll find she knows exactly what they are and will welcome your help in “assisting” her to accomplish them.

This will help out during the initial stages of SL domination as many get overwhelmed by all the rules and requests and just poof away.

If you have the right objects in your hours, household chores are a good starting point. Cooking for you, doing the laundry, ironing (plenty of animations out there that are very realistic). Remember, she will need to test you very much at first and only when she feels sure she’ll be disciplined for not doing them will she be able to get them done knowing she has no choice about it — which will be a tremendous relief to her.

Spankings and Discipline

It is very thrilling for your sub to know she is subject to your discipline.   She wants rules and limits set for her and knows that there will be consequences for not obeying them.   If there are no consequence then she cannot feel the control that she longs for.   Accepting a spanking where the focus is on correcting her behavior rather than for her own pleasure is proof of her submission to you.   It makes your control of her very real.   There is a big distinction between a spanking given for the pure enjoyment of it and one given as punishment.   Though many pleasure spankings are given under the guise of a punishment for misbehaving, it’s clear that the focus is on its eroticism and the “punishment” aspect is just a pretense.

Some submissive women would never want a spanking they thought was given as a punishment.   For them, it is a completely pleasurable experience and they don’t want them to be associated with a punishment” in any form.

However, there are some submissive women who *love* to be spanked as a punishment and there are several reasons for this.   We all grew up knowing that spankings were given as a punishment and though now as adults we find them pleasurable, the connection between spankings and punishment still remains and can be a very hot erotic trigger for the sub.   If she started having spanking fantasies at a young age when having your bottom paddled and being punished are one in the same, they will often revolve around the idea of being punished for some reason, whether real or imagined.

Due to societies generally negative view of d/s and s/m, many women who crave a spanking or whipping often have great conflicts about it, wondering how they could possibly be so “strange” or “weird”.   It is often not an easy admission to make, so it’s much easier to rationalize the desire for a spanking by connecting it to a wrong doing in order to “earn” a spanking rather than having the freedom to simply ask their lover for one.

The Desire to be Perfect

There is a tendency in some submissive women to be “perfect”.   Though this can be an admirable goal, it can often be taken to extremes and that’s something to be aware of.   I am now talking about the desire to strive to improve, to make an effort to do the best job possible, and as we know, that takes a great deal of energy.   Here is a quote that illustrates this point: “I started thinking about why punishment appealed to me and I wasn’t sure if it was just another way to test limits… or the thought of the luxury of having something to “make” me do the things I really want to do anyway… but, instead, I allow life (work, fatigue) get in the way.   “I have very high expectations for myself… I am lucky in the fact that I am intelligent and beautiful… but I think given these “gifts” that they should be utilized to the fullest extent…”

A submissive woman like this wants to be “pushed” into making a greater effort with herself.   She knows what she is capable of achieving and wants help in making it a reality.   To me, this is one of the most positive aspects of spankings treated as a punishment.   As her Mistress, your responsibility is to take care of her and to see she does what is best for her.   You need to work with her to be sure her rules and limits are for her own benefit and help her to meet her own personal goals.   If structured this way, the focus of the spanking is not because she was “bad”, but rather she is being spanked to help her improve herself.   In this way, your discipline of her is another way you can show her you love and care.

Punishment as a way of Absolution and Forgiveness

Another aspect of being “punished” is that it allows her to let go of any self-imposed “guilt” over her behavior.   This is especially important for those women who strive to be perfect and have the tendency to be self-critical.   This can be compounded if she was raised in an environment where past mistakes were never forgotten but were continually brought to her attention.   When she is punished, she can face her mistake, accept her punishment as a motivation to improve (not for being “bad”), be completely forgiven and then to happily move on.

Some Cautions over Punishment Spankings

Since a punishment spanking is going to be harder for her to endure than one given for pleasure, you want to be sure she is in the right mental head space for taking one.   In other words, she must feel the spanking is deserved, so my advice here is never punish her for something left unclear.   Make your rules very clear and specific so she knows *exactly* when she is breaking them.   If it helps, set time deadlines so she can’t claim she was “just going to do it.”   Another caution here about being consistent.   If you punished her one week for breaking a rule and let the same infraction go the next, you are giving her very mixed and confusing signals which will make it difficult for her to take your control seriously, and this will have very negative consequences to both your roles.   She will need to test you until she feels secure you are going to follow through so *be consistent* — this is extremely important.

Preparing her for Punishment

A punishment spanking is often more filled with ritual than most any other scene and draws very much on her anticipation of an event that she knows will be a test and challenge to her.   Sending to her room to await you should excite her greatly even though she knows the spanking may not be that enjoyable.   Making *her* fetch the implement used in her correction is an added erotic embarrassment.   You may want to have her strip in advance and sit on the device to reflect upon her infraction and what steps she is going to take in the future to avoid a similar lapse.  If you want to see just how exciting the anticipation of a punishment can be, have her wait at least 10 minutes before you sit with her for the punishment. In the mean time you can be talking to her telling her what is coming.

You may want to lecture her on her behavior, emphasizing *exactly* what she did to earn this correction, and during the spanking itself, pause several times and give her the chance to promise better behavior in the future.   This is important as it keep the emphasis on the punishment as motivation to improve her behavior and not because she was “bad” or displeased you for not getting it done.

As further confirmation of your roles, after the spanking she should thank you for taking the time and effort to discipline her, and then it’s up to you if you want to ravish her or send her to the corner!   The point I’m making here is that even though this is “punishment” there’s no reason it can’t end in pleasure for her.   After all, she has been “punished” and all is forgiven.

Exploring Embarrassment

One wonderful aspect of D/s in SL is that it lets you explore so many emotions in safety.   When done with love and care, embarrassing your slavegirl can be an extremely intense experience for her and one that will make her feel very controlled. When you give her an embarrassing task and she obeys, it is a way you can both feel the strength of your respective roles. Her obedience in being embarrassed proves to you both that she is your slavegirl and will do whatever you ask of her.   As her Mistress, you want to think of as many ways as possible to demonstrate this and you will feel that your control of her is as complete as possible.   Many ideas for increasing the depths of her submission utilize embarrassment in one form or another. If this is going to be public, then it needs to be in the a proper D/s area in SL and not where others that are not sensitive to what is happening are present.  Be creative and you will find many ways she can be thoroughly embarrassed in front of others while being the only one that knows the real reason she is acting as she is.

Asking Permission

Another way you can constantly remind her that she is under your control is by having her ask your permission.   The more of her own independent action is restricted, the more her submission will increase.   One example that emphasizes this as well as serving as a subtle embarrassment is to have her ask your permission to visit the bathroom.   This touches upon the idea of her losing certain personal privacies which can increase the intimate bond between you both.   If you sense that she has gone on her own (lack of communication), leave her an IM chastising her for it and log-off yourself.

Everywhere you go in SL you make every decision for her. Don’t ask her if it is ok, just do it. This will not only increase her submission to you, but also relieves her of having to make a decision for herself.

It’s very common not to allow a sub to climax without first being given permission.   She is “allowed” pleasure only upon your command which will emphasize your control over her.   It also increases the anticipation of finally being given permission which can hold her on the edge of a climax for an extended period which will build its intensity.

Not only may she not climax without permission, but she may not even be allowed to touch herself without permission.   By setting this rule for her, you are making her admit her desire to touch herself by asking for your permission which is also a way for you to know how excited she has become by your commands.

Pulling her Hair

One very *hot* erotic trigger for many subs is having their hair pulled.   Not in a hurtful way, but as a very sensual experience.   For many women, this can be an extremely powerful turn on and you may be surprised by her reaction.   This will have to be emoted very well to be a trigger.

Treating her as a Cherished Pet

Many submissive women love being treated as a pet.   We all know how much love and attention our pets receive and it should be thrillingly embarrassing and sweet — not at all degrading.   Pet’s are often kept on a collar and leash too, aren’t they?   Try this on a special evening together.   Have her undress and kneel before you.   Tell her she is to be your pet for the evening and lovingly place her collar upon her and attach her leash to it.   Tell her she is to be your sweet little kitty and is not allowed to speak unless given permission.   Instead, she must meow and purr to you.

One very erotic idea is to have her purr and meow for you as you caress her.   Perhaps, if your loved pet is in “heat”, have her rub her little pussy against your leg as a way of begging for more attention.   Be sure to bring her to a climax while allowing only mews of pleasure…

It is an incredible feeling to have a woman you love and who loves you napping at your feet while you hold her leash in your hand.   Make a little nest of pillows and blankets in a corner and make that her special place.   As a pet, she is not allowed to stand or to use the furniture.   Perhaps you’ll put out a little saucer of milk for her to lap…

A theme such as this gets very much into role-play which can be a wonderful escape from the stress of your lives.   It is a unique time when you can forget about being adults and return to the innocent and creative play of children.

Thank you all for reading

I appreciate all the comments and messages that I have received during these posts and I hope that they have helped in some way to make your D/s life a little better.

See you in SL somewhere. Who knows, I may be writing about you soon.