Submissives Must Not Be Doormats

Joey W. Hill writes about BDSM. One of my favorite quotes from her is: “If my Master is lost, I’ll find him. I’ll lead him back to himself, because to serve doesn’t always mean to follow.”

The reason I am quoting her now is because recently in several profiles  I’ve seen the following quote from Anais Nin “I do not want to be the leader. I refuse to be the leader. I want to live darkly and richly in my femaleness. I want a man lying over me, always over me. His will, his pleasure, his desire, his life, his work, his sexuality the touchstone, the command, my pivot.”  Some see this quote as the ultimate meaning of being a submissive.

I would argue that to believe that one can have a successful D/s relationship as a submissive while giving up all responsibility for taking the lead at times is not only flawed but it’s self-destructive to both Domme and sub.

This is what I’ve encountered in SL more than just a few times. When these subs express this to me, then I tell them that what they really want is to be a slave and not have any choice, but they correct me. In fact what they want is for the Domme to do all the work for them.

Contrary to popular myth, a Domme is not some infallible and omnipotent being. A Domme is human and subject to human stresses, pressures, emotions, and needs. Sometimes that seeming rock of a Domme succumbs to the pressures of life, work, relationships, family, or loss, and suddenly does not seem so Domme. A Domme can lose her way every bit as much as can a submissive. Many Dommes, when confronted with overwhelming pressures or loss, will slip into their cave of self-imposed exile and retreat from the world.

They often do not express themselves and the weight that they bear. That is part of what makes them seem so Domme. Yet to the intimate D/s submissive partner, this self-imposed isolation by a Domme can feel like rejection. When the Domme withdraws, the submissive can themselves feel lost.

With that in mind, reading the Joey Hill quote again. “If my Mistress is lost, I’ll find him. I’ll lead him back to herself, because to serve does not always mean to follow.” I would argue that when a Mistress is not feeling so terribly Dominant, when a Domme is not feeling so terribly in control of their world, it is indeed the hour of glory for a submissive to truly shine in her devotion.

Under these circumstances, leading a Mistress back to themselves is not an exercise in brattiness or challenging them to be Domme, or to take action of some sort. No. This is the moment when a submissive can lead her Domme back to hersefl by being the most devoted and submissive self. It is leadership through service. Not badgering or shaming the Domme about poor performance, that only makes matters worse.

The submissive leads her Domme back to her dominance by giving them what they seem to have momentarily lost in life; control. Through loving devotion and service, the submissive gives her Domme what she has lost, and in so doing slowly breathes life back into her own Mistress. This is not leadership in the overt traditional sense of command and control, or even leadership by example. This is leadership through service and devotion.

Ultimately, by leadership through service a submissive leads her Mistress back to being her most authentic self.

 

 

Advice for New Dominants (Part 2)

7. Ask questions.

Ask as many questions as you can of who you can. You can learn something from almost everyone, even if it is what not to do or what you don’t want to do. The more questions you ask of individuals the more informed you will become. And don’t limit yourself to just Dominants. There are submissives and slaves out there with a wealth of experience and knowledge who you can draw from as well. Their knowledge is just as valid as a Dominants, so talk to them.

It is not a sign of weakness to ask someone.

8. Just because you saw someone do it, doesn’t mean you can.

So you were at a D/s SIM and you saw a Mistress interacting with a sub in an interesting or kinky way. She made it look so easy that you are sure, with your vast intelligence, that you can do it as well, right?

Perhaps not!

The reason she made it look easy is because probably she has been doing it for a while. She probably has practiced on others and learn from her mistakes, and has learn to refine what to say and what the sequence of events will be to get the best enjoyment out of the situation, and to get the best out of the submissive.

So when you see something that you would like to learn, try and ask questions or watch carefully at the sequence of events. Make notes, and notice the reactions of the sub and of others around it. Of course in SL may be difficult because they may be engaged in private IMs, but it never hurts to ask.

Attend classes, many SIMs do this. If they are giving a demonstration, then they are there to answer questions, so ask them and make sure you learn all the details.

This is very true with RLV, nothing can kill the mood or send someone running away than the wrong use of RLV.

9. Honor someone’s relationship dynamic.

Many people have many different dynamics and protocols in this lifestyle. When in doubt, ask questions. Once you learn the relationship dynamics, do not dismiss them simply because you think they are silly. In reality, they may be. But if you are or want to interact with individuals who have a certain dynamic/protocol, there are only two options. Either honor it to associate with them or don’t deal with them at all.

Since that is what they have decided for themselves, your opinion will have little or no impact, so complaining or whining about it will do nothing. One day you may develop dynamics or protocols that others may find strange. Think how you would want to be treated in that situation and then behave accordingly. It’s funny how there are those who will ask to touch someone’s toys but think they can treat someone’s partner however they want.

If you are using SL as a video game where you get to play a Dominant person in god mode, then you will never learn how enjoyable it is to have a submissive that is 100% loyal to you, because she is getting what she expects to get.

10. Don’t measure yourself by someone else.

You have to develop your own style. Don’t do things just because someone else is doing them or it seems cool or because the hot little potential sub is really begging for it. If it’s not for you, it’s not for you. People are best at what truly inspires them not because of what is cool and hip. While, like high school, there is peer pressure in the BDSM scene/lifestyle, you have the choice as to whether or not you follow it, or follow your own path.

11. Keep an open mind.

There are things as a new person that you do not like that in 2 or 3 or 10 years you will totally be into. Be sure to try out and learn about different things. You never know what turns you off today will totally rock your socks tomorrow. So keep an open eye and an open mind. It will work to your benefit in the long run.

 

 

Limits? or Limiting Fun?

So hanging out at the Secret House and read a profile that goes something like this in the 2nd Life tab:

“Very submissive …. willing to do anything for my Mistress including transformation and total power exchange. If my Mistress takes pleasure in doing something to me, that is my pleasure.”

OK …. Looking good so far. So I turn to the Picks area and there is a limits tab so let’s see what she puts in there:

No RLV restrictions
No mutilation
No kill
No messing with my hair
No collar
No voice, phone, or cam 
No restriction of my ability to communicate or travel in SL
Let’s have some fun together

Her limits have just eliminated 40% of the BDSM experience and it is obvious that all she wants to do is have a quick session of play and move on. How can you have TPE with all these limits? By the time everything is followed it starts to look like vanilla sex.

Just a quick thought for tonight. I did IM the AV and she continued to tell me things that she didn’t like and wasn’t willing to do. That hit one on my hard limits “submissives that are not really submissives.”

No thank you !!!.

Good Hangout Places

People keep asking me where are all the good places to hang-out and indulge in the BDSM life style with other women.

I actually have been compiling a list and rating places and will publish it next week so stay tuned.

In the mean time, I have to say that there are very few places that cater strictly to Mistresses and female subs and that are worth visiting.

So if you have visited the Secret House, Amelie’s Garden and Dungeon, or the Lesbian Society, you have come close to the only places that cater strictly to women BDSM fetishes and where the clientele know what they are doing in the BDSM world. Only women are allowed and normally it is strictly enforced (a more in depth review next week of these and other places).

There are hundreds of other SIMS that cater to BDSM but normally it is women and men at the same time, or the women only place is just a mixture of video game players looking to act out BDSM and not women that really feel it inside and are serious about it. In these places you will find a large group of switches  (see my previous post on switching).

What to do? I say start in one of the first three that I mentioned above and stay there for a while. Traffic will come. What is the sense of going to a place that has a good reputation and semi-decent traffic just to arrive don’t see anyone around and poof away. Stick around and you will be surprised what can happen.

Topping from the Bottom

Since I referenced the topic of topping from the bottom in a previous post, some people have asked me to elaborate further so here is an explanation for it.

In a Dominant/submissive (D/s) relationship, the Dominant is the one in control of the situation throughout. A true submissive will get enjoyment, pleasure, arousal, and surprises as the Dominant gives commands that have to be obeyed or the submissive is subjected to physical or mental (consensually for both) tasks and activities.

Here is the main point:

At no point the submissive is there to contradict, ignore, negotiate, refuse, or pull away unless it is a violation of a hard limit and a safe word (and yes you should have safe words in Second Life) is used.

Very simple right? If the person at the other end is a true submissive and you have a contract/agreement in place concerning hard limits, soft limits, and safe words, then the submissive is to proceed as indicated.

Here is the tricky part of this, someone that is going to top from the bottom or is not a true submissive will probably will not agree to a contract that is so restrictive so they will try to have a laundry list of things that they will not do leaving you with the things they prefer rather than the things you want to do. Since you are not meeting them in person is hard to tell what is in their heart, but it is the first step to topping from the bottom in the relationship.

Why would anyone do this? Here are some possible reasons:

1. The Dominant is weak, untrained, or not a Dominant at all (just playing one in SL), and the sub is trying to move the meeting along giving her clues of what to do.
2. The sub is really a Dominant trying to turn weak Dominants into subs (some AVs take pride on this). You already know my opinion on switches (see previous post on the subject).
3. The sub is trying to steer the Dominant into the things she likes, instead of what the Dominant wants to do. This is the most common reason.

How can one detect this inside SL?

The main thing before doing the contract and establishing the relationship is to have a period where you get to know each other. This implies that you have two people that are not playing a video game but have identified themselves as Dominant and submissive.

During this trial period, you put the submissive through several activities and watch how they interact with you. You must be able to recognize when the submissive is trying to top from the bottom.

Here is an example:

Back story of this scenario (this happened in SL): Day five of their trial period, some rules have been established and the submissive in several occasions has stated things like: “I like to serve and be deeply controlled”; “I need a strict and severe Mistress”; “I like to be naked on a leash”; and “I want to be used as a sexual toy.” I don’t see any ambiguity there specially since the Mistress clarified the meaning of each statement along the way. RLV folders have not been established.

So about an hour into this interaction, the submissive is leashed and on her knees and the following dialog takes place:

Mistress: undress for me

sub: you … you’re serious Miss?

Mistress: very serious

sub: why don’t you use the RLV? (topping from the bottom very directly here, she enjoys RLV or thinks the Mistress doesn’t know what she is doing)

Mistress: do as you are told without questions

sub: reluctantly starts to remove her dress

After doing several non-sexual things with the submissive here comes another example:

Mistress: put your clothes back on

sub: are you kidding me? you don’t want me anymore?

Mistress: looking sternly at ….. “GET YOUR CLOTHES ON IMMEDIATELY”

sub: dresses reluctantly

A few minutes later as they are discussing the contract they are working on at the moment, and the sub is on her knees and leashed as before:

sub: may this girl undress for you again?

Mistress: No

sub: but why not?

Mistress: Do you know what it means to top from the bottom? …….

You can imagine the rest but at the end this Mistress rejected the sub. It is obvious in several places that the sub is trying to steer the Mistress into doing what the sub wants to do.

This is just an easy example, but always think how this enters into your dialogue so easily.