Advice for New Dominants (Part 1)

Recently we were discussing this item at the Chateau Lesbiennes de Roissy, as we had a couple of new Mistresses being considered for admittance. What advice could be give them besides the technical parts of SL. So this list is the result of six of us thinking about it.

1. You will make mistakes

New Dominants WILL make mistakes. It’s a fact of life. To be fair, experienced Dominants will make mistakes. Intermediate Dominants will make mistakes. If you are a Dominant or think you want to be a Dominant, you will make a mistake. Accept it and move on.

The only thing that makes a mistake worse is not learning from it. Mistakes are opportunities to grow and learn. Talk to people about them. Figure out what went wrong then incorporate that and try not to do it again.

If you act like everything you do is perfect and without flaw, then you are just playing a game.

2. Beating someone does not make you a Dominant.

Anyone can sit on a ball, grab a whip, flogger, or put someone on bondage in a machine. Simply because you have become adept at using equipment, or using RLV is not the mark of a Dominant. At best, it makes you a Top. Being a Top is not the same as being a Dominant. 

There is much more to being a Dominant than simply engaging in play. Do not confuse what happens in a scene as who you really are inside.

3. Be realistic about who and what you are.

If you give yourself a title such as Mistress or Goddess and you are just getting started as a Dominant, prepare to be mocked and laughed at.  True subs will see right through you and will not engage with you, while subs that are starting may go with you but will soon run away. If after a while, the Dominant role is not one that you feel comfortable with, just stop doing it.

The most powerful Dominants for the most part look, and behave very normal. When the sub is interacting with them, the dominance is obvious and the sub just melts into the relationship. Don’t make a mockery of the lifestyle because you thought it would be cool to add Master or Mistress to your name. If it is inside you, it will come out and flourish naturally as you have more experiences. The title will not do it.

4. Don’t measure yourself by someone else.

You have to develop your own style. You have to know what makes you tick and why. Don’t do things just because someone else is doing them or it seems cool or because the hot little potential sub is really begging for it. If it’s not for you, it’s not for you. People are best at what truly inspires them not because of what is cool and hip. While, like high school, there is peer pressure in the BDSM scene/lifestyle, you have the choice as to whether or not you follow it, or follow your own path.

5. Question yourself.

A Dominant who doesn’t question herself isn’t much of a Dominant. One of the tricks to being a good Dominant (if you are interested in such a thing) is looking and re-examining your actions as a Dominant. Figure out what you did and why you did it. The answers will not always come easy and they may not always be pleasant. But self-awareness and introspection are two crucial tools in a Dominants play box. Use them and use them often.

6. Try to figure out what type of Dominant you want to be and work at it.

The concept that there are many different types of Dominants and submissives (see a previous post for submissive types) seems to escape many people. Some Dominants may be sensual, caring, and very nice while others may be sadistic, cruel, and a mean person. What type you will be is up to you. But when you find a style that fits, run with it. You will find subs that match your style, don’t try to fit a sensual sub to your style, if you are a sadistic Dominant and vice-versa. Always be the best you can be by learning as much as you can about that particular style, infusing your own style along with it. And don’t be afraid to switch gears when its not working for you. After all, SL is a great platform for change and experimentation and you are in control.

Stay tuned for Part II.

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