More Categories for Submissives

This was written by Diane Vera and published in Lesbian S/M Safety Manual, from Alyson Press, Copyright 1984 and 1988.

1. NON-SUBMISSIVE MASOCHIST or KINKY SENSUALIST

Not into servitude, humiliation or giving up control; just pain and/or spiced-up sensuality, on the masochist’s own terms and for the masochist’s own direct pleasure (i.e. turned on solely/mainly by one’s own bodily sensations rather than by being “used” to gratify one’s partner’s sadism).

2. PSEUDO-SUBMISSIVE NON-SLAVE
Not into even playing “slave,” but into other “submissive” role-playing, e.g. schoolteacher scenes, infantilism, “forced” transvestitism. Usually into humiliation, but NOT into servitude, even in play. Dictates the scene to a large degree.
3.     PSEUDO-SUBMISSIVE PLAY SLAVE
Likes to play at being a slave; likes to feel subservient; may in some cases like to feel one is being “used” to gratify partner’s sadism; may even really serve the dominant in some ways, but only on the “slave’s” own terms. Dictates the scene to a large degree; often fetishistic (e.g. foot worshippers).
4.     TRUE SUBMISSIVE NON-SLAVE
Really gives up control (only temporarily and within agreed-upon limits), but gets her/his main satisfaction from aspects of submission other than serving or being used by the dominant. Usually turned on by suspense, vulnerability, and/or giving up reasonability. Doesn’t dictate the scene except in very general terms, but still seek mainly her/his own direct/pleasure (rather than getting one’s pleasure mainly from pleasing the dominant).
5.     TRUE SUBMISSIVE PLAY SLAVE
Really gives up control (though only temporarily; only during brief “scenes” and within limits) and gets main satisfaction from serving/being used by dominant-but only for FUN purposes, usually erotic. May/may not be into pain. If so, is turned on by pain indirectly, i.e. enjoys being the object of one’s partner’s sadism, on which the submissive places very few requirements or restrictions.
6.     UNCOMMITTED SHORT-TERM BUT MORE THAN PLAY SEMI-SLAVE
Really gives up control (usually within limits); wants to serve and be used by the dominant; wants to provide practical/non erotic as well as fun/erotic services; but only when the “slave” is in the mood. May even act as a full-time slave for, say, several days at a time, but is free to quit at any time (or at the end of the agreed upon several days). May or may not have long-term relationship with one’s Mistress, but, either way, the “slave” has the final say over when she will serve.
7.     PART-TIME CONSENSUAL-BUT REAL SLAVE
Has an ongoing commitment to an owner/slave relationship and regards oneself as the dominant’s property at all times. Wants to obey and please Dom(me) in all aspects of life-practical/non erotic and fun/erotic. Devotes most of time to other commitments (e.g. job) but Dom(me) has first pick of the slave’s free time.
8.     FULL-TIME LIVE IN CONSENSUAL SLAVE
Within no more than a few broad limits/requirements, the slave regards herself/himself as existing solely for the Dom(me)’s pleasure/well being. Slave in turn expects to be regarded as a prized possession. Not much different from the situation of the traditional housewife, except that within the S/M world the slave’s position is more likely to be fully consensual, especially if the slave is male. Within the S/M world, a full time “slave” arrangement is entered into with an explicit awareness of the magnitude carefully, with more awareness of the magnitude of power that is being given up, and hence is usually entered into much more carefully, with more awareness of the possible dangers, and with much clearer and more specific agreements than usually precede the traditional marriage.
9.     CONSENSUAL TOTAL SLAVE WITH NO LIMITS
A common fantasy ideal which probably doesn’t exist in real life (except in authoritarian religious cults and other situations where the “consent” is induced by brainwashing and/or social or economic pressures, and hence isn’t fully consensual). A few S/M purists will insist that you aren’t really a slave unless you’re willing to do absolutely anything for your Dom(me), with no limits at all. I’ve met a few people who claimed to be no-limit slaves, but in all cases I have reason to doubt the claim.

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Submissive Types

The other day I read the paragraphs below in a tumblr post. I will admit that tumblr is not an authoritative source but this made me think. Read this first:

” There are three types of subs:

A sexual sub is someone only who pleases when he is horny. we call this type of sub a bedroom only sub. many of these subs in time learn to please their Dom/Domme outside the bedroom.

Abused sub is one who was abused early in life. there are those who submit to be abused. these type of subs should seek mental health.

The natural sub is sub I am interested in, he likes to be controlled. is happy when his master/Dom/Domme is happy. a natural sub is born to please others. Just because a person is a natural sub, doesn’t mean he is a doormat and can be walked over by any person. He just likes to please his ONE. I am only interested in natural subs.”

If you have read most of my posts you will realize that I believe in the natural sub, but the question is “how many type of subs are there?”

Hard question to answer, I did some research and found at least ten different categories (The Bottom, The Bedroom Submissive, The Psychological Submissive, The Slave Hear Submissive, The Slave, and more).

What concerned me was the definition of the Abused Sub. When being online in Second Life it is difficult to know what is happening in the other side of the computer. I am certainly under control in my side and what appears to be in control during the scenario in Second Life. If there is an abuse issue, is that person hurting themselves physically or even further psychologically if he/she is engaged in a BDSM scenario in SL? What is my responsibility of trying to identify this? How much should I probe, what is real and what is not?

All very difficult questions, which have left me think seriously about how to engage submissives online. Many do fit in the category of natural subs but I recommend that before engaging in the darker parts of BDSM, everyone needs to make sure you are not dealing with someone in the Abused Sub  category.

How to Spot a Good Domme (Part 2)

The post that follows is part 2 of a post that is making the Internet rounds under the title “How to Spot a Good Dominant” by author unknown. It is about spotting a male Dominant. I have edited the post and added some elements to make it pertain to women and Second Life instead. If I ever find the author of the original one, I will notify her/him. Here it goes:

How to spot a good Domme

– A Domme will be very cautious in selecting you because she knows you have great desires, hopes, and dreams, and it is she that has to live up to them. Above all things she will wish to be good for you. She attempts to choose wisely but may at first make many mistakes in her choices as she finds her way.

– A Domme will make mistakes and have no fear admitting them. The Domme knows that she is not All Knowing, for she is human. A Domme who believes she never makes mistakes or does not admit to them with good cheer is most likely not a Domme.

– A Domme will not beg for anything from you. She will simply wait till you’re dying to send her your naughty pictures unsolicited and accept them with lady like composure.

– A Domme will never lie about being married or already having a girlfriend. If she’s married to vanilla, she’ll simply say so. If she’s dating vanilla, she’ll break up with her before venturing in with another (less she’s doing a poly thing and brings her along, or in an open relationship). The Domme is straightforward, will wish to be plain about her true desires and needs, and if she is attached, will be forthcoming with that information.

– A Domme won’t lie about much, though she surely will keep some of her thoughts from you. A Dom who feels swallowing golden showers to be right up your alley may well know telling you straight out might have you running for cover. This is not in itself lying, she’s just taking the appropriate steps first and at the speed she thinks you can absorb them (she may well discard such thoughts as she gets to know you). The lying ‘domme’ will have an agenda that has no bearing on your needs. The real Domme wants no part of someone for whom she cannot be good. A woman who attempts to get with a woman she cannot handle or vice versa is desperate.

– A Domme will not be heavy handed in her approach. She will be skilled at drawing you in, opening you up, making you feel at ease or on edge (depending on her tastes). Her efforts will seem effortless; even aloof at times. She will grow on you. Capture you. Enlighten you and make things seem clear that may have been once blurry. You will feel better about yourself when communicating with her (even if your desire is to live in debasement!). Only an impostor will try to tear you down in order to raise herself to higher ground. The dominate gets off by watching you soar, not fall.

In essence, taking on a submissive is both invigorating and empowering yet also a humbling experience. She may err constantly, particularly if she is new. Yet she will always, always strive to be better, and though longs and seeks challenge, she will avoid that which she knows she cannot handle, or will in some near future be unable to handle. It may take time but she will understand her own limits as well as her submissive’s.

A submissive is a truckload of challenge (ask their ex-vanilla lovers), and so the Domme needs you like she needs air. She wants your worship not simply for worship sake but because she has gone beyond the call of the norm, ventured into the realm of risk, and passing across the dangerous abyss where footing is treacherous, hopefully breaks into the sunshine of success offering you something glorious. THAT alone is why she seeks your worship; because she has earned it and deserves it.

If a woman does not seek risk and challenge in her life, if she wishes worship without venturing her ego, if she does not persist continually toward excellence in handling a woman as she does in many things, she is not a Domme.

How to Spot a Good Domme (Part I)

The post that follows is making the Internet rounds under the title “How to Spot a Good Dominant” by author unknown. It is about spotting a male Dominant. I have edited the post and added some elements to make it pertain to women and Second Life instead. If I ever find the author of the original one, I will notify her/him. Here it goes:

How to spot a good Domme!

– A Domme will not start off by with, ‘Bow down on your knees upon receipt of my instant message!’ There seems to be many complaints from women about this kind of ploy as first introduction, and this is reason alone to ‘block n’ move on.’ (I would advise anyone to use this tactic often and liberally rather than engage in arguments, or (if you are submissive), obligated in some way to engage with them …life is too short.). Ignore the Insta-Domme.

– A Domme will not seem ‘desperate’ for your attention. Finding a submissive or finding someone to have sex with is not her problem; she can find women on many SIMs, at dances, or in a shopping SIM. She knows women, and women are drawn to her. Lesbian women, kink or vanilla, prefer a woman who is take-charge both in the bedroom and in life. If a ‘Domme’ becomes frantic, anxious, or despairing because you don’t IM her back every other hour, chances are she has a hard time with being submissive. The good news is desperation is easy to spot.

– A Domme most often will be successful, a maverick, or at least happy in her chosen role in SL and in life. If she has had some bad luck in his past, it will be fleeting, for she will strive relentlessly to place her universe back into the order mandatory for her existence. If the Domme languishes in a poorly made avatar, doesn’t seem to have the means to set-up a home or get some land, hates everything about SL and has a million qualifiers in her profile about who should talk to her, then, most likely, her dominance is merely a cover-up to appease her lack of success and her self-esteem. Though she may not be a millionaire in SL, look for the woman who is happy, confident, unique, and/or successful in her chosen endeavors in SL.

– A Domme will be very interested in you, and not just your sexual needs (though they will certainly get her attention). She will see you as a puzzle, and desire to make sense of that puzzle. The Domme  loves challenge and that in essence is why so many submissives find disillusion in the vanilla world; most women do not seek challenge in sensuality, they fear it. Submissive women are the most challenging of lovers for they have great fantasy. Their fantasies often require a woman to move far outside normal gestures and that requires both skill and creativity.

– A Domme is likely to be damn good in creating a D/s scene in SL. Most women have their hands full with straight-up vanilla sex. The Domme has either mastered or has no interest in such elementary play, at least not all the time. Making a woman orgasm many times has left her bereft of sport, so she now seeks a woman who will challenge her on other levels. The Domme is going to have a good understanding of the female anatomy, a good use of the language that both people use in SL, and will persist in finding the keys to your body and mind. She certainly will be advanced in the sexuality that can be created in SL

– A Domme may have all the accoutrement of kink (the whips, chains, the castle), but she will not need them to be Domme. A whisper, a word, an emote, a swagger, a well-placed paragraph, and the deftly use of the visual tools of SL (pose balls, equipment, etc…) are the essence of her talent. Confidence is her weapon of choice, not bragging about her dungeon. Those who tout their toys too highly might well be lacking in other departments.

SL Profiles (part 2)

Today’s profile theme is:

I am collared by my loving Mistress (xxx_fill_in_name_xxx) but that doesn’t mean I’m off limits, or I can’t play.

Wow, if there ever was an invitation for fun. So what type of relationship is going on here? What problems do I see with this type of statement?

First, let’s take a look at if from the perspective of the Mistress. If you are a Mistress reading this, do you allow your sub to go out and play when you are not in SL? I personally don’t, I make sure I’m in SL enough to maintain the relationship as it should be. I inform my sub when I’m out of town and won’t be logging on and actually tell her not to log into SL during that time. You know we all could use a break from SL and ordering my sub to do it ensures me that she is getting adequate breaks as well (and yes I will double check through groups).

Do you think that is too mean? Is she really a true sub to you? If you make the statement, go out and have fun with other Mistresses when I am out, then I don’t believe that you are really committed to the relationship. A true sub wouldn’t do that in any case.

Commercial Profiles parked in the SIM for advertising purposes

Actually I don’t have a problem with this. It is tough enough to get the word out about your product. If you chose to stand in a SIM full of lesbians with some good outfit/gear on, be my guest, I will probably look at your profile and go buy some (make sure you put where to get it) if i like it.

What I can’t stand is the person contacting me all subbie like. ” ahem … excuse me Miss …” and later during the chat “would you like to come and see my store?” and then it is obvious that all she wants is to get a Mistress interested so she can get some business going her way. If you want to advertise do it in open chat, keep it out of any conversation with me. Hey, but if you are a true sub and want me to collect all the profits from your business as tribute to me I will happily do so (not really, but you get the point).

 

Using someone else’s photograph in a profile as their 1st life photo (or profile photo)

I equate this to stalking, bullying, and abuse. Some people say, what is the big deal. Well, what if it was your picture? When I see a photo, I will look for in on the Internet (every time).  How do I do that? By using the Snipping tool in Windows (you can do the same in Mac), opening it with Google Chrome and then right clicking on it and selecting “Search Google for this image.” Then you will see where it has been.

Trending Profile Posts

As you all know by now, I’m an avid profile reader, and I do use what is in the profile as a first impression about a person in SL. You often see in someone’s profile picks a posting about what things mean in profiles (e.g., “I only like women = I am a man”), I find those entertaining , and sometimes they are very clever.

When I was looking at one of this, I started thinking if I could actually detect any patterns in profiles  that would tell me more about the person behind the av. I found that there are some patterns that offer clues, but also found some trends that were not there when I joined SL 9 years ago. Here are some of them.

AV partnered to him/herself

What? Can you really partner with yourself? Of course you can through the use of an alt. But how do I know that they are the same person? Well, you take a look at their born dates and normally they are within two or three months of each other. Another clue is their groups (extremely similar or right down identical), and their use of the Picks area, and the other tabs in the profile. As many people do, they create an alt after a few months in SL and then they find creative ways to use them.

Why would they do that? I can only speculate so they can get out of any relationship with a built in excuse. If they like you, they claim their partner never comes into SL anymore, when they stop wanting to be with you, their partner makes a miraculous come back.

I have been in SL for xxx amount of years (born date within the last year or so).

I understand people wanting to say this to appear more experienced and don’t have people thinking they are a noob. But, some of these people are trying to use this as leverage to get in and out of relationships. How do they do that? By constantly referring to their past experiences to try to set rules for the Domme to follow, referring to a past Mistress that was “the best.”

I do test their knowledge of SL with simple questions about SL’s past, many fail. Then you know if all their assertions about being in SL for a long time is real.

Empty Groups

You may say, wait … that has been going on for a long time in SL. I would answer that not really, there was a time where the “my groups are hidden in my (pick a body part)” was funny but rare. We all hide groups, but do you really have to hide them all? What does that say about you? Not even one for shoes? We used to be proud to have the Nylons No.9 or the Moody groups. Today, not even N-Core?

So what does that say about a person? To me it really shows the duplicity of the person, and once again I go to the first paragraph, it is a way to have a built in excuse for leaving a relationship. Or better yet, is it a way to top from the bottom? Make the Mistress do all the work? Hide? I’m standing at the Secret House right now and out of 24 people, 10 have empty profiles. A most disturbing trend.

Thoughts?

 

 

 

The Experience Paradigm

I can’t believe that I haven’t posted in such a long time. Where does time go.

Anyhow, so in my profile readings for the last few weeks I noticed something that has been staring me in the face for years. I will give you an example of what I mean.

Avatar X profile in the about tab (front page):

Trying to find my way in and around SL, looking for a Mistress that will teach me, transform me to her will, and show me the ways of BDSM.

Very submissive and trying to learn.

Ok, not bad, there is something to look at with that profile, but then I look at the born date and it is 9/8/2006. Say what? You are looking at a very experienced person in SL here.

Every one of her actions is tempered from 9 years of being inworld. Everyone one of your actions as a Mistress will be judged by her prior experiences. Chances are that she is looking for something very specific that she once had and lost. Will her actions and talk be natural? Or will she be role playing her way through the relationship?

I think is the latter and chances are that this relationship is going to be of a short duration. After I recognized this pattern, I have seen more and more profiles similar in their introduction.

I would prefer that they be honest about what they want and what they are looking for, and take into account their prior experiences when they write about themselves.

 

A Series Concerning Submissiveness – Final Part

Final part – The routine

What kinds of rules and limits are appropriate?

The kinds of rules and limits you set for your slavegirl depend on your wishes and insight as to what you feel is best for her, taking into great consideration her goals for herself.   I would suggest that in the beginning, the fewer rules you have for her the better.   This way she can be very clear on what is expected of her and it will make it easier for you to enforce them.   Sit down with her and discuss the rules you feel she needs.   I think you’ll find she knows exactly what they are and will welcome your help in “assisting” her to accomplish them.

This will help out during the initial stages of SL domination as many get overwhelmed by all the rules and requests and just poof away.

If you have the right objects in your hours, household chores are a good starting point. Cooking for you, doing the laundry, ironing (plenty of animations out there that are very realistic). Remember, she will need to test you very much at first and only when she feels sure she’ll be disciplined for not doing them will she be able to get them done knowing she has no choice about it — which will be a tremendous relief to her.

Spankings and Discipline

It is very thrilling for your sub to know she is subject to your discipline.   She wants rules and limits set for her and knows that there will be consequences for not obeying them.   If there are no consequence then she cannot feel the control that she longs for.   Accepting a spanking where the focus is on correcting her behavior rather than for her own pleasure is proof of her submission to you.   It makes your control of her very real.   There is a big distinction between a spanking given for the pure enjoyment of it and one given as punishment.   Though many pleasure spankings are given under the guise of a punishment for misbehaving, it’s clear that the focus is on its eroticism and the “punishment” aspect is just a pretense.

Some submissive women would never want a spanking they thought was given as a punishment.   For them, it is a completely pleasurable experience and they don’t want them to be associated with a punishment” in any form.

However, there are some submissive women who *love* to be spanked as a punishment and there are several reasons for this.   We all grew up knowing that spankings were given as a punishment and though now as adults we find them pleasurable, the connection between spankings and punishment still remains and can be a very hot erotic trigger for the sub.   If she started having spanking fantasies at a young age when having your bottom paddled and being punished are one in the same, they will often revolve around the idea of being punished for some reason, whether real or imagined.

Due to societies generally negative view of d/s and s/m, many women who crave a spanking or whipping often have great conflicts about it, wondering how they could possibly be so “strange” or “weird”.   It is often not an easy admission to make, so it’s much easier to rationalize the desire for a spanking by connecting it to a wrong doing in order to “earn” a spanking rather than having the freedom to simply ask their lover for one.

The Desire to be Perfect

There is a tendency in some submissive women to be “perfect”.   Though this can be an admirable goal, it can often be taken to extremes and that’s something to be aware of.   I am now talking about the desire to strive to improve, to make an effort to do the best job possible, and as we know, that takes a great deal of energy.   Here is a quote that illustrates this point: “I started thinking about why punishment appealed to me and I wasn’t sure if it was just another way to test limits… or the thought of the luxury of having something to “make” me do the things I really want to do anyway… but, instead, I allow life (work, fatigue) get in the way.   “I have very high expectations for myself… I am lucky in the fact that I am intelligent and beautiful… but I think given these “gifts” that they should be utilized to the fullest extent…”

A submissive woman like this wants to be “pushed” into making a greater effort with herself.   She knows what she is capable of achieving and wants help in making it a reality.   To me, this is one of the most positive aspects of spankings treated as a punishment.   As her Mistress, your responsibility is to take care of her and to see she does what is best for her.   You need to work with her to be sure her rules and limits are for her own benefit and help her to meet her own personal goals.   If structured this way, the focus of the spanking is not because she was “bad”, but rather she is being spanked to help her improve herself.   In this way, your discipline of her is another way you can show her you love and care.

Punishment as a way of Absolution and Forgiveness

Another aspect of being “punished” is that it allows her to let go of any self-imposed “guilt” over her behavior.   This is especially important for those women who strive to be perfect and have the tendency to be self-critical.   This can be compounded if she was raised in an environment where past mistakes were never forgotten but were continually brought to her attention.   When she is punished, she can face her mistake, accept her punishment as a motivation to improve (not for being “bad”), be completely forgiven and then to happily move on.

Some Cautions over Punishment Spankings

Since a punishment spanking is going to be harder for her to endure than one given for pleasure, you want to be sure she is in the right mental head space for taking one.   In other words, she must feel the spanking is deserved, so my advice here is never punish her for something left unclear.   Make your rules very clear and specific so she knows *exactly* when she is breaking them.   If it helps, set time deadlines so she can’t claim she was “just going to do it.”   Another caution here about being consistent.   If you punished her one week for breaking a rule and let the same infraction go the next, you are giving her very mixed and confusing signals which will make it difficult for her to take your control seriously, and this will have very negative consequences to both your roles.   She will need to test you until she feels secure you are going to follow through so *be consistent* — this is extremely important.

Preparing her for Punishment

A punishment spanking is often more filled with ritual than most any other scene and draws very much on her anticipation of an event that she knows will be a test and challenge to her.   Sending to her room to await you should excite her greatly even though she knows the spanking may not be that enjoyable.   Making *her* fetch the implement used in her correction is an added erotic embarrassment.   You may want to have her strip in advance and sit on the device to reflect upon her infraction and what steps she is going to take in the future to avoid a similar lapse.  If you want to see just how exciting the anticipation of a punishment can be, have her wait at least 10 minutes before you sit with her for the punishment. In the mean time you can be talking to her telling her what is coming.

You may want to lecture her on her behavior, emphasizing *exactly* what she did to earn this correction, and during the spanking itself, pause several times and give her the chance to promise better behavior in the future.   This is important as it keep the emphasis on the punishment as motivation to improve her behavior and not because she was “bad” or displeased you for not getting it done.

As further confirmation of your roles, after the spanking she should thank you for taking the time and effort to discipline her, and then it’s up to you if you want to ravish her or send her to the corner!   The point I’m making here is that even though this is “punishment” there’s no reason it can’t end in pleasure for her.   After all, she has been “punished” and all is forgiven.

Exploring Embarrassment

One wonderful aspect of D/s in SL is that it lets you explore so many emotions in safety.   When done with love and care, embarrassing your slavegirl can be an extremely intense experience for her and one that will make her feel very controlled. When you give her an embarrassing task and she obeys, it is a way you can both feel the strength of your respective roles. Her obedience in being embarrassed proves to you both that she is your slavegirl and will do whatever you ask of her.   As her Mistress, you want to think of as many ways as possible to demonstrate this and you will feel that your control of her is as complete as possible.   Many ideas for increasing the depths of her submission utilize embarrassment in one form or another. If this is going to be public, then it needs to be in the a proper D/s area in SL and not where others that are not sensitive to what is happening are present.  Be creative and you will find many ways she can be thoroughly embarrassed in front of others while being the only one that knows the real reason she is acting as she is.

Asking Permission

Another way you can constantly remind her that she is under your control is by having her ask your permission.   The more of her own independent action is restricted, the more her submission will increase.   One example that emphasizes this as well as serving as a subtle embarrassment is to have her ask your permission to visit the bathroom.   This touches upon the idea of her losing certain personal privacies which can increase the intimate bond between you both.   If you sense that she has gone on her own (lack of communication), leave her an IM chastising her for it and log-off yourself.

Everywhere you go in SL you make every decision for her. Don’t ask her if it is ok, just do it. This will not only increase her submission to you, but also relieves her of having to make a decision for herself.

It’s very common not to allow a sub to climax without first being given permission.   She is “allowed” pleasure only upon your command which will emphasize your control over her.   It also increases the anticipation of finally being given permission which can hold her on the edge of a climax for an extended period which will build its intensity.

Not only may she not climax without permission, but she may not even be allowed to touch herself without permission.   By setting this rule for her, you are making her admit her desire to touch herself by asking for your permission which is also a way for you to know how excited she has become by your commands.

Pulling her Hair

One very *hot* erotic trigger for many subs is having their hair pulled.   Not in a hurtful way, but as a very sensual experience.   For many women, this can be an extremely powerful turn on and you may be surprised by her reaction.   This will have to be emoted very well to be a trigger.

Treating her as a Cherished Pet

Many submissive women love being treated as a pet.   We all know how much love and attention our pets receive and it should be thrillingly embarrassing and sweet — not at all degrading.   Pet’s are often kept on a collar and leash too, aren’t they?   Try this on a special evening together.   Have her undress and kneel before you.   Tell her she is to be your pet for the evening and lovingly place her collar upon her and attach her leash to it.   Tell her she is to be your sweet little kitty and is not allowed to speak unless given permission.   Instead, she must meow and purr to you.

One very erotic idea is to have her purr and meow for you as you caress her.   Perhaps, if your loved pet is in “heat”, have her rub her little pussy against your leg as a way of begging for more attention.   Be sure to bring her to a climax while allowing only mews of pleasure…

It is an incredible feeling to have a woman you love and who loves you napping at your feet while you hold her leash in your hand.   Make a little nest of pillows and blankets in a corner and make that her special place.   As a pet, she is not allowed to stand or to use the furniture.   Perhaps you’ll put out a little saucer of milk for her to lap…

A theme such as this gets very much into role-play which can be a wonderful escape from the stress of your lives.   It is a unique time when you can forget about being adults and return to the innocent and creative play of children.

Thank you all for reading

I appreciate all the comments and messages that I have received during these posts and I hope that they have helped in some way to make your D/s life a little better.

See you in SL somewhere. Who knows, I may be writing about you soon.

A Series Concerning Submissiveness – Part 5

The importance of Ritual in Creating a Submissive State of Mind

A submissive state of mind is very much an altered state of awareness.   How do you know that in SL when all you see is words? It is very difficult to know if you are actively controlling her but you may see a change in the words, or a pause after giving her some command or an action. Traditionally the more a person enters a submissive state of mind the more quiet they become so must be aware of this while you are interacting through an IM.  This state of deep submission is sometimes refereed to as subspace. It is often a dramatic transformation and one that at times may leave her very non-verbal.

To be honest with you I’m not sure if anyone can enter subspace through second life interactions. Some subs have told me that they did, but I thought maybe they were telling me this because it was what I wanted to hear. In either case, subspace is *the* place where she wants to be and the deeper you can take her, the more intense everything becomes for her.   You can make it easier for her to go into subspace by the use of ritual.   Keeping a certain formality and pattern when leading her into a scene makes it easy for her to recall past events and more easily slip back into a previous deep submissive state.

Building her anticipation for an event is a wonderful way to give her time to get into her submissive head space.   It let’s her imagination come into play and builds up her sexual arousal as she tries to envision what you have in mind for her.   Try telling her firmly to be at a certain place and time without saying why.   In the meantime, she can indulge in her submissive feelings by wondering what she may or may not have done and she’ll be imagining herself being subjected to all kinds of marvelous things.   Or, in great detail tell her *exactly* what will happen to her at a point in the near future then forbid her to mention it.   See how this works?

There are an almost infinite number of ways to make her feel submissive.   Position and symbology play a great part.   Perhaps the most effective is to place her in a collar.   A collar is a very powerful symbol of ownership, love and commitment and should be treated with great respect.   When she wears your collar she is telling you that she is yours completely and will try as hard as she can to please you in whatever you may ask of her.   It will always be in her mind that she wears her collar for *you*.

Of course in SL collars are a dime a dozen and people offer them or take them without much thought. I can’t emphasize the following point enough. In SL the sub should be made to offer you her collar, give yourself to you. Tell her that from the beginning “if you want to be mine, you will have to give me your collar on your own.” If they try to give it to you right away don’t take it, make them think about it for a while, if they run away then you know they are just game playing and not really true submissives that think you will be a good Mistress for them.

Having her assume certain standard slave positions is a way to both signal her that you are now moving into a more formal role with each other and also allow her to return to quickly enter a submissive state of mind.

I like to enhance her state of submission by using the ritual that they must wear something in RL while we are chatting in SL. This could be a ring, a necklace, a t-shirt, etc… She must have it on during our interaction in SL to remind her of the collar and that in fact she is mine. I also tell them my favorite perfume and insist that they buy it and wear some while we are interacting so she can feel like I am next to her. Doing this will make her more pliable and it will be easier for her to be transported back into the depths that she had reached during your previous scenes.

Attention to Detail

Your attention to detail is important.   You know what you want her to do and it’s important that you communicate that clearly to her.   Beyond that, it has several other purposes.   Not only does it focus her attention on you, but it lets her every day thoughts and stresses in her life fall away, and this is a wonderful escape for her.   As her Mistress, you want to give her tasks that draw out her submission and if she does allow herself to be distracted, her attention needs to be brought back to you with a few quick swats.   This also allows her to feel that she has *your* attention as much as she has yours.

Limits and Rules

A submissive woman often craves more “structure” in her life and there can be many reasons for this.   By giving your sub very clear limits and rules on her behavior, you are now creating an environment for her where she can relax and be secure in the knowledge of what is expected of her and how she can best please you.

Testing Limits

Setting rules and limits for your submissive is extremely important for it is within these boundaries she feels most cared for.   As part of her feeling secure within the relationship, she needs — even unconsciously — to test her limits.   This is an extremely important point.   If she breaks a rule and you let it slide without bringing it to her attention, you are not allowing her to feel safe within your care.   She can’t feel safe within your limits, if the limits are not there or are vague.   This testing process is something that never really stops though at first she will feel the need to test you often until she learns that you will follow through.   The sooner you do that, the quicker she will feel the reality of your concern for her.

A submissive woman *wants* a strong Mistress, one who sets guidelines on her behavior that are for her own good and then who has the strength and authority to be sure they are followed.   It’s almost impossible for me to emphasize how important a point this is.   The most common and biggest complaint I am told by submissive women is that their Mistresses are not “strict” enough.   Inconsistency on your part is see by her as a sign of weakness, and she cannot feel submissive to a weak woman.

Be Consistent

Remember that her greatest desire is to feel that she has lost control to you and must do as she is told.   If she does not do exactly as instructed she wants to know there will be a consequence, for if there is not, she will not feel your control of her is real.   If you let her down by allowing her to get away with breaking her rules, she will feel that your control over her is not real.   It’s like saying you don’t care for her enough to watch over her and she will feel a very definite lack of attention from you.

A Series Concerning Submissiveness – Part 4

Part 4 – Pleasing and Controlling

She wants to please

If there is one single-most favorite phrase a submissive woman wants to hear, it is “Good Girl”. She wants and needs to have her efforts to please you acknowledged.   Some new Mistresses fail to understand that a sub pleasing her Mistress is one of the greatest pleasures in her life.   It is an emotional fulfillment so deep that it goes far beyond any sexual expression.   By giving her your praise as frequently as possible you are confirming that you recognize and appreciate her for who she is and for the love she has to give you.

Controlling is a must

You must take the initiative with her.   If she has to “ask” you to control her, it once again puts her in charge and does not allow her to feel submissive.   As a Mistress, you get to indulge yourself in what *you* want! Give yourself permission to act on your whim of the moment.   Believe me, to a sub, this is when it all becomes very real and meaningful to her.   There will be no doubt in her mind that you want her for *yourself* and whether or not she enjoys it is secondary.   Only in this way can she feel that she truly belongs to you and is there to serve you.   If you are going to experiment in taking charge, err on the side of being more controlling than less.   I can’t tell you how many women I’ve heard complain that their Mistress doesn’t give them the control and supervision they crave.   Remember, your control is a demonstration of taking care of her and your discipline is proof that you are paying attention and will insist she does what is best for herself.

How to make her feel Owned

The feeling of being owned is one of the most secure and desired feelings a sub can have.   She wants to be reminded at all times that you are in control of her and that she is safe and watched over under your command.   She *wants* you to be strong for her, so she can grow under your care and guidance.   Think for a moment of the potential your relationship with a woman who loves and trusts you so much that she wants to be *owned* by you…   What closer bond can you have?

There are many ways to make her feel that she belongs to you and I will share with you some of my favorites.   Ask her often, “Who do you belong to?”   Not only does this strengthen the depth of your relationship but many women have told me it is very erotic for them to be told to touch and name different parts of their body and then tell you it belongs to you.

Here’s a quote that will make this clearer:   “Personally I *love* it when various parts of my anatomy are called upon.   For example, during a spanking, I like to be reminded that this is Mistress’ bottom and she can do as he wishes with it.”

How you address each other can also be confirmation of your roles.   For example, calling her by a pet name can indicate your position of authority while requiring her refer to you with some title of respect such as Miss or Mistress further emphasizes her submission.   Being “owned” is a total experience.   It means she is subject to your whims at any time and no reason is necessary beyond the fact it is something you want.   For her, there is great excitement and anticipation in being used for your pleasure and never knowing what your next command or task may be.   She may be fully clothed and busy one moment and naked and kneeling before you the next….

Does this require a complex set of equipment and gadgets in SL? It does not. A simple collar is sufficient to create control and if I had one piece of equipment that I had to have it would be a Dutchie Femdom chair (the new version 2.0). As you grow in your relationship then other equipment can be brought into play.

One area which I feel strongly about is the use of #RLV folders. If you use them then you can force her to change her appearance to something you want without waiting for her to change. This type of control plays very big in her mind as no choice is available to her in terms of clothing. Of course one of the folders needs to be a nude folder.