Kink v.s. Fetish

Someone asked me “What is the difference between a kink and a fetish?” These concepts are used by some people as if they mean the same thing, but it is important to know the difference.

So what is a kink?

A kink is normally sexual behavior considered to be outside the normal parameters of a sexual encounter. So what is normal? Think normal sexual behavior as being vanilla sex with a willing partner. The kink will be adding something not normal to the act in order to enhance the sexual experience. Normally you also would have two people engaged in the kink, but it can also be just one (or several).

Here is an example: You engage in touching your partner everywhere while having sex, soft touches as part of foreplay, using your mouth and hands on them. This would be considered normal behavior, but your partner (or you) grow bored with this vanilla sex and introduce spanking, or biting, or using objects to stimulate the touching, you are now engaged in a kink because it enhances your sexual experience. How does spanking enhance the experience? As those of you that have experienced it know, the blood flowing to the butt cheeks begins to accumulate and flow with each spank, this pool of blood makes them red and starts to put pressure in the genital area from the inside and the sexual enhancement takes place.

Kinks help the growth of a sexual relationship between partners, and help in heightening the physical and mental parts of the sexual encounter. One thing to always remember about engaging in kinks is that they must be safe, sane, and consensual between all the parties involved.

Some people argue that safewords and consent are not really needed in SL since it is just pixels, but for those of you that have experienced the powerful feelings in SL you know safety and consent are paramount for both parties.

So what is a fetish?

Whereas a kink is something done to enhance a sexual encounter between people, a fetish replaces the sexual enhancement with an object, a ritual, or even a particular person. Normally, the subject of the fetish is some kind of object and the person that has the fetish can’t become sexually aroused without the object, ritual, or person (or type of person) being involved.

An example of a fetish can be a fascination with leather, or hosiery, or high heels (infinite list). It can also be the fascination with some kind of ritual (doesn’t have to be sexual), like being treated like a bride, or being a maid. The sexual arousal happens only if the ritual or action is happening as the person expects or the fetish object is present and being used the correct way.

As you see, there is some overlap but the terms are very different situations. Your sub may have a fetish for being spanked only with a cane, or a paddle, but definitely not with a hand. Or your sub likes being spanked because of the sexual enhancement, but it is not required for sexual arousal. You could do other things with your partner. If spanking is a fetish and not a kink for your partner, she may become dissatisfied with you if you don’t do it every encounter.

The number of kinks and fetishes is probably unlimited so how do you communicate what you like and don’t like?

How about just trial and error using safe words? This approach is appropriate for a new relationship with a sub that may not know her limits but it will take time and patience from both of you.

Some avatars in SL carry a fetish/kink list which someone made up and they grade their willingness to participate in certain fetishes. The list is in a notecard and they will probably tell you that they have it and give it to you. If you contact Nubia Renfold in SL she has volunteered to hand them out if you need one.

Another option (that is becoming very popular), is the use of f-list as it can be shared with anyone (that the person wants), and it has several hundred (yes hundred) fetish and kinks in the list. A Mistress or sub can easily look at it and search it to get acquainted with the person’s preferences.

The bottom line is to know whether your sub (or you) is engaging in a kink or a fetish. If you can tell the difference between the two, then your overall relationship will grow and be much more enhanced.

Topping from the Bottom

Since I referenced the topic of topping from the bottom in a previous post, some people have asked me to elaborate further so here is an explanation for it.

In a Dominant/submissive (D/s) relationship, the Dominant is the one in control of the situation throughout. A true submissive will get enjoyment, pleasure, arousal, and surprises as the Dominant gives commands that have to be obeyed or the submissive is subjected to physical or mental (consensually for both) tasks and activities.

Here is the main point:

At no point the submissive is there to contradict, ignore, negotiate, refuse, or pull away unless it is a violation of a hard limit and a safe word (and yes you should have safe words in Second Life) is used.

Very simple right? If the person at the other end is a true submissive and you have a contract/agreement in place concerning hard limits, soft limits, and safe words, then the submissive is to proceed as indicated.

Here is the tricky part of this, someone that is going to top from the bottom or is not a true submissive will probably will not agree to a contract that is so restrictive so they will try to have a laundry list of things that they will not do leaving you with the things they prefer rather than the things you want to do. Since you are not meeting them in person is hard to tell what is in their heart, but it is the first step to topping from the bottom in the relationship.

Why would anyone do this? Here are some possible reasons:

  1. The Dominant is weak, untrained, or not a Dominant at all (just playing one in SL), and the sub is trying to move the meeting along giving her clues of what to do.
  2. The sub is really a Dominant trying to turn weak Dominants into subs (some AVs take pride on this). You already know my opinion on switches (see previous post on the subject).
  3. The sub is trying to steer the Dominant into the things she likes, instead of what the Dominant wants to do. This is the most common reason.

How can one detect this inside SL?

The main thing before doing the contract and establishing the relationship is to have a period where you get to know each other. This implies that you have two people that are not playing a video game but have identified themselves as Dominant and submissive.

During this trial period, you put the submissive through several activities and watch how they interact with you. You must be able to recognize when the submissive is trying to top from the bottom.

Here is an example:

Back story of this scenario (this happened in SL): Day five of their trial period, some rules have been established and the submissive in several occasions has stated things like: “I like to serve and be deeply controlled”; “I need a strict and severe Mistress”; “I like to be naked on a leash”; and “I want to be used as a sexual toy.” I don’t see any ambiguity there specially since the Mistress clarified the meaning of each statement along the way. RLV folders have not been established.

So about an hour into this interaction, the submissive is leashed and on her knees and the following dialog takes place:

Mistress: undress for me

sub: you … you’re serious Miss?

Mistress: very serious

sub: why don’t you use the RLV? (topping from the bottom very directly here, she enjoys RLV or thinks the Mistress doesn’t know what she is doing)

Mistress: do as you are told without questions

sub: reluctantly starts to remove her dress

After doing several non-sexual things with the submissive here comes another example:

Mistress: put your clothes back on

sub: are you kidding me? you don’t want me anymore?

Mistress: looking sternly at ….. “GET YOUR CLOTHES ON IMMEDIATELY”

sub: dresses reluctantly

A few minutes later as they are discussing the contract they are working on at the moment, and the sub is on her knees and leashed as before:

sub: may this girl undress for you again?

Mistress: No

sub: but why not?

Mistress: Do you know what it means to top from the bottom? …….

You can imagine the rest but at the end this Mistress rejected the sub. It is obvious in several places that the sub is trying to steer the Mistress into doing what the sub wants to do.

This is just an easy example, but always think how this enters into your dialogue so easily.



Closeness and Response Time

I may have to file this under topping from the bottom (another subject to deal with), but subs please don’t approach any Mistress within one inch of her face two seconds after you IM her from across the room.

You would never do that to a person in RL. If they smile at you from the distance, would you immediately go over there and stand right in front of their face? I’m guessing that the intent here is to get the Mistress’ attention and possibly claiming your territory so other subs will think the Mistress is now busy with you (clever technique by the way).

Most Mistresses will be turned off by this and you will end up walking away with your tail between your legs. Don’t overplay your hand.

Along these same lines is the sub that requires an answer one second after they finish typing an IM to a Mistress (e.g., Mistress are you there? are you busy? you don’t want to see me anymore?). Possibly all three if you keep doing that.

You should give her some time to respond, very silly of you to think that you are the only IM she has at the moment. Of course you may have worked that by standing next to her way too close after a very short meeting.

Bottom line, yet another two-ways to walk away alone for the night or for long-term.

Eager Subs?

So last year I would go AFK in a friend’s club so she could get her traffic up (yes turn me in to LL please), and when I returned after about 12 hours away, I had a string of IMs from an av that I didn’t know and was obviously an eager sub.

It roughly went like this (trying to remember now):

– Hello Miss, are you on?

– Sorry

Then in open chat there was the message that she had made me an owner in her collar. Mind you I’m AFK and I don’t know this person at all. I know I’m powerful but that’s a bit much power. (continuing)

– thank you for collaring me Miss

– are you angry with me?

– I know you are not online today, but are you angry?

– please talk to me

What is wrong with this picture?

This has to be the most eager sub I’ve ever encountered.

A tip to all subs out there, this type (or very similar) behavior will not get you collared, and if a Mistress collars you based on this, you are in for a rocky and short relationship.

Do things at the right time and place.