A Series Concerning Submissiveness – Part 3

Part 3 – What is happening when someone submits?

All pretenses are stripped away

When the relationship starts, and the submissive offers herself to you then you will experience that the person will be free to be who they really are inside. The little secrets that she carries inside her about her true desires start to come out. This sometimes comes out as an explosion of feelings and expressions when she becomes convinced that you care about her even though she carries these secrets, she becomes her true self.

It is normally a balance between two lives

Submission allows her to escape from herself and her every day life. During the day different aspects of our personality come into the forefront as we move from one role to another.   For example, there may be a big difference in one’s personality at work as compared to home.   Keeping up these roles requires a large amount of psychic energy which over time can become exhausted.

At work, your sub may be very powerful and dominant and carrying a great deal of responsibility.   Being a mother at home is tremendously demanding and requires a great deal of energy in caring for and supervising the children.   If she has spent her day instructing and inspecting others, she may crave the transition from that position of authority to one of servitude.   When she can become your sub, she gets a relaxing respite from the stresses of her life.   She can renew herself by once again becoming a little girl who is loved and looked after.   Instead of having to cope with the stress of making decisions she can surrender to you and do exactly as she is told knowing she is safe in your care. It then becomes a balancing of energy by experiencing the opposite role.

As her Mistress, you will do everything in your power to enable your sub to be who she really is, and is normally a woman full of love and sensuality and passion and who wants nothing more than to be free and safe enough to show you the full extent of it.

If she submits, then you must take charge

One thing of PARAMOUNT importance is that your sub feels that she is truly being controlled and is acting on *your* commands, and is subject to *your* whims.   If she feels your actions are for her alone, she will feel in control of the situation and this is exactly what she does NOT want to feel.   In order for her to be submissive, YOU must be in charge of her in a very real and definite way. Here is where the difference between role playing in SL and actual control and feelings is critical.

It is very confusing for her if your control is just within the context of a scene and does not carry over into the rest of your relationship.   It will help if you think of your control as being an integral part of your relationship rather than an “imposition” on her.   The more you see her enthusiasm and gratitude in response to your actions, the easier it will become for you.

Never forget that her desire to please her Mistress is an essential element of her submission.   Though you both know she loves to have the experiences you are giving her, she MUST feel that it’s for your pleasure equally, if not more than her own.   Being submissive is her gift to you, a way of pleasing you as completely as possible.   If she thinks your control of her is only for *her*, it just doesn’t work.   She wants to be yours, to feel she has no choice in what she is subjected to and this REALITY regarding her submission is tremendously thrilling for her.

To this end, you MUST keep a home in SL. Drifting around clubs, dungeons, public places to live your relationship cheapens it and your sub doesn’t have any stability in terms of serving you as it all becomes a public display or just one scene after another with no sense of relationship. This may work for a while but believe me when I say that is gnawing at your subs mind every day.

A Series Concerning Submissiveness – Part 2

Part 2 – Why does someone wants to be submissive?

Because is erotic

When someone submits emotionally and physically, their sexuality is affected in a very intense and emotionally fulfilling experience. Women that have submitted to me or others have expressed that the physical act coupled with the mental part is often the most sexually intense and emotionally fulfilling experience in their lives.

But there is an issue with this. As is often the case, many feel afraid of the intensity of their sexual energy.   They fear that if they reveal the full extent of their sexual excitement at being a submissive they will not be understood.   Often, the smallest of looks or commands will leave them drenched with sexual excitement.   A good Mistress will enjoy the pleasure that this excitement bring as she extracts each nuance of sexual pleasure from her.

How do you do that in SL? Good conversation and emoting. You need not be a para-rp person to get that fulfillment. If you remember my previous posts role playing is just that, a real relationship is not role playing. Both parties feel it. The submissive must also know that her Mistress gets as much pleasure out of this as she does.

When she gives herself to you completely, she is also giving you the freedom to explore the depths of her sexuality and passion. She expects and trusts that you will take her places she cannot go herself, to have experiences she probably cannot ask for.   She is depending on the Mistress to give her the push to get beyond any resistance she may offer. Of course it must always be safe, sane, and consensual.

Getting past resistance is where your strength and understanding as a Mistress is essential.   If you back off instead of encouraging her onward (by spank or by praise) she will not be able to explore the depths of herself.   She needs your unconditional love and support to feel safe to go where she cannot go alone.   As you sexually open her body to you, you are also opening her heart and soul.

Being with a Mistress that understands the sexuality of the situation is an extremely liberating experience for her, and allows for more and more exploration over time.  As time goes by, she will have a strong desire to reveal herself as she truly is as you help her by removing any sexual barriers built from her early years.   Even if she cannot ask, it is important to understand that the sub *wants* to overcome her resistance as much as the Mistress wants her to.

As your relationship grows and she becomes more comfortable and trusting in her knowledge that you understand her feelings, she will find it easier to admit certain sexual desires to you.   From time to time, have her tell you a “secret” fantasy of hers, or give her the assignment of writing you a short fantasy.   It’s often easier to put something in writing than to have to say it verbally.

Another way you can free her sexuality is to have her admit to you how exciting a certain activity is for her.   If you are giving her an erotic spanking, have her tell you how much she loves it.   “Begging” can also be a way to encourage her to express herself.   For example, if you suspect she enjoys anal play more than she can admit, hold the bottom plug against her opening but don’t insert it until she “begs” you to have it slipped inside her.   In this way you are “forcing” her to make an admission she probably wants to make, but is too embarrassed to share with you on her own.

More to come in part 3 ……..

A Series Concerning Submissiveness – Part 1

I’ll start the new year (I know is February already) with a series of posts (four parts I think), that will highlight the concept of submissiveness and how it relates to SL.

Part 1 – Why does someone want to be a submissive?

Because it is important to them

In my many dealing with submissive women, a common theme of every encounter is that a person that is willing to engage with a Mistress is doing it because submission is very important to that person. A true submissive attaches a value to being owned, or to be serving someone. Since in second life is normally not a physical connection, then the emotional connection becomes even more meaningful. This emotional connection (in both RL and SL) is very deep in a true submissive and they feel it to their very soul. Because of this deep connection a true D/s relationship is not a game to a true submissive.   That is the reason many SL D/s relations end so quickly, is a game for one of them and trivializes the real emotions that can be felt.

Because they want to be taken care of

A submissive woman wants someone strong to protect and watch over her.   I often hear this when I ask that direct question about the reason they want to submit to me. Of course one has to be careful about being topped from the bottom in that situation. A submissive wants to be able to relax in the safety of her Mistress and the environment she creates for her.

Part of her feeling of being taken care of by you is knowing that she has certain rules and limits for herself.   If she disobeys them, she expects to be disciplined.   When you are correcting her behavior by a punishment of some kind, several things are happening.   The first is that you care enough for her to correct her.   It is proof to her that she has your attention and you are watching over her, making sure she does what is best for herself.

If it was a task or command of your own that she disobeyed, then your punishment leaves no doubt in her mind that she must obey you and that allows her to feel secure in her submission to you.   If you set rules for her then never check to see they are followed, your message to her is that she is not worth the effort it takes to see that she has obeyed.   You are unconsciously saying she does not deserve your attention.   This lack of attention will lead to her disappearance as it is a critical part of submissiveness.

The best way to deal with this part (the rules), is to make it somewhat of a formal and clear process. As the Mistress, you want your rules obeyed and she wants to obey them and be recognized for her desire to please you.   If she “overlooks” a rule it is often a test to see if you care enough to catch it, and for you it is an opportunity to show her that she will not be allowed to get away with anything.   The stricter you are in supervising her, the more she will feel your attention and the happier she will be. Believe it or not.

More to come in part 2 ……..

 

Bondage Safety in SL

I was sitting around with my Domme friends and the subject of bondage came up. I was really surprised how many different ideas of bondage and bondage safety existed among my group. Most of us are very experienced in SL so I jumped in here to get my thoughts published.

Let’s start with a working definition of bondage. To me it is any type of restraint that limits someone’s movement.

I know that definition is very broad, but if you think about it, bondage is all about limiting physical movement using some kind of restraint method (e.g., rope, chain, rubber, latex, gags etc …).

Is it a kink or a fetish? You can visit my previous post on what makes them different but in this case, bondage can be both. Some subs want bondage to be the only thing that will satisfy them sexually, while others see is as part of pleasing the Domme and view it as a kink that they like.

One of the wonderful things about SL is that just about every type of bondage can be found and practiced. Shibaru (Japanese bondage) is very common, as well as Western, and Fusion (east meets west).

I believe the ease of experiencing bondage in SL leads to a false sense of reality in Real Life for the subs.

In RL the most difficult part of bondage is learning how to do it safely. One must learn how to “rig” a person properly and practice it. Many cases of improper applications of bondage have resulted in RL injuries (dislocated bones being the most common), long term damage (breast tying being one of the most done incorrectly), and in some cases death (gagging a person and then having them lay down or be upside down without proper monitoring).

You would think that in SL you can have the experience without worrying about safety, but in some cases SL just makes it worse because some subs at the other end try self-bondage and that can be tragic.

I remember a sub that I had and I asked her to wear a collar in RL and asked her to get a six foot silk piece that she would use as the leash to tie herself to the computer desk. This enhances the experience, but one day she said that she was losing her breath and I asked why and she said she had been pulling on the leash as tight as she could every time I did it in SL. Whoa !!

I told her to immediately take the collar and leash off and had to give her a lecture about doing things that I wasn’t telling her to do. I’ve also experience similar things like this during bondage as the sub starts to self-bondage.

So what are we to do?

First, understand that when playing in SL at the other end the person is real and may do things that she believes will please you (it is certainly pleasing her), as you play scenes in SL.

Second, ALWAYS MAKE SURE YOU CHECK THAT THE SUB IS NOT USING SELF-BONDAGE OR DOING ANYTHING WITHOUT YOUR DIRECTION.

Some people may read this and laugh thinking it is not possible, but I think that anyone that has been in SL a meaningful amount of time can recognize that the feelings are real and can be as powerful (or sometimes more) than the feelings and actions in RL.

Please be careful and always be safe

Give a noob a chance?

This is a loaded question. First of all, what is a noob?

I define it as anyone in SL for less than 45 days. I know this is an arbitrary definition but can do as well as any other.

Based on that definition, should a Domme attempt to get into a relationship with someone that is just barely learning how to navigate SL?

Some Mistresses do and some don’t.

I for one try to understand the person as we chat. If they are truly brand new to SL (and not some alt playing head games) I tend towards not pursuing the relationship. Two reasons why:

– If they are brand new, they really haven’t experienced all the things that SL has to offer and probably are in the throes of their initial addiction jumping from Mistress to Mistress to satisfy the feelings that they are pursuing. They are just learning how to use equipment, build an inventory that is good for both them and their Mistress, etc…

– The chances are very high (and have confirmed this with several others), that the relationship won’t last since the slow beginning of most relationship will put the noob in a position of wanting to get out and know more. As a Mistress wrote in her profile “If you are looking for a Mistress and you don’t understand your own self I am probably not for you”

That really sums up the feeling that you may get from trying to dominate a noob. Are they really clear on what they want and who they are? I prefer that they explore a little more because the two of us may not be compatible at all.

By the way, in my profile Picks I explain my philosophy towards noobs so there will not be any misunderstandings.

Of course others reject noobs because of the way the look, lack of AO, no SLINK hands or feet. You name it. That of course is up to each person but seems to me a bit shallow.

The Contents of a Sub’s Inventory Matter

Last night I was talking with a new person in SL (will try not to use av anymore, since we are all people). She was only about fifteen days old and was a bit frustrated about how Mistresses didn’t want to have anything with her because of her SL age.

I can understand her frustration since we all were there once and back in my newbie days I could barely keep my hair in between TPs but yet I expected for people to talk to me as if I was part of the group already.

As the conversation progressed, I got to thinking of how the inventory that a sub already has really makes a difference.

If she already had cuffs, gag, harness, collar, maybe iControl, a Mars Ring, etc…, it would make the life for a Mistress that much easier. I enjoy good BDSM equipment to be used along in the play, specially if I am familiar with it allowing me to make easier transitions with my words as I make the sub do different things to please me or to punish her.

Even better if the sub has already set #RLV folders and she lets you know ahead of time, or you discover them when you are using the collar. The flow of the words is seamless.

So the newbie sub didn’t have any of these equipment. I recommended that she get some of the basics, and look for good quality freebies. The main issue of course being that the amount of equipment out there is very large. Some key systems for cuffs, harnesses, and gags requires a course on their use. It is frustrating in some cases and in others it causes the sub to run away because the equipment takes away from the flow of each interaction.

I told her “you can see how this is frustrating and some Mistresses prefer someone that has been around and possibly has some equipment that is common in SL.”

Of course the other side of this coin is this: Should the Mistress buy all the equipment for the sub? Or make her buy it all. Some subs believe that the Mistress is fully responsible (financially of course), for getting each sub equipped.

The way I do it is simple. I tell the sub that this is a shared arrangement. I pay for the land and the house where we live, I will buy certain things for her, and she is responsible for the rest of the things that I want. She can find freebies or buy them, but I have to approve all the purchases ahead of time so that way I know what I will be working with. That is not too much to ask.

Inventory does matter in the beginnings of a D/s SL relationship.

Limits? or Limiting Fun?

So hanging out at the Secret House and read a profile that goes something like this in the 2nd Life tab:

“Very submissive …. willing to do anything for my Mistress including transformation and total power exchange. If my Mistress takes pleasure in doing something to me, that is my pleasure.”

OK …. Looking good so far. So I turn to the Picks area and there is a limits tab so let’s see what she puts in there:

No RLV restrictions
No mutilation
No kill
No messing with my hair
No collar
No voice, phone, or cam 
No restriction of my ability to communicate or travel in SL
Let’s have some fun together

Her limits have just eliminated 40% of the BDSM experience and it is obvious that all she wants to do is have a quick session of play and move on. How can you have TPE with all these limits? By the time everything is followed it starts to look like vanilla sex.

Just a quick thought for tonight. I did IM the AV and she continued to tell me things that she didn’t like and wasn’t willing to do. That hit one on my hard limits “submissives that are not really submissives.”

No thank you !!!.

RLV or not RLV? That is the question.

So the conversation suddenly turned into the merits of RLV for use in SL so I decided to do a piece on RLV.

What is RLV? It is short for “Restrained Love Viewer.” Talk about a loaded set of words. We are going to restrain your love inside your viewer. In reality is a way for one avatar to control another avatar in many ways.

One of the main tenants of the BDSM lifestyle is that it should be consensual and that one person is allow to exert control over another in mental and physical settings. RLV allows the duplication of the physical control in SL. The system is based on one avatar giving permission to another (consent) to control their SL experience in the viewer. To make it clear, RLV is not one script that allows control, it is a module (within the viewer) that takes functions that are built into the viewer and allows one avatar to control them for another.

Let me give you an example. As you know there is a function inside the viewer that allows you to teleport your friends to your location. This is built into the viewer and as you know makes your experience much better (pushy DJs trying to get you to their event notwithstanding). Using RLV you could force your friend to teleport (existing function) to you without their permission or without them having to push any buttons. As you can see this is control, and that is part of a D/s relationship.

So take any function in the viewer and image that another person can run it for you. Put clothes on and off, stop you from IMs. stop you from teleporting, restricting your camera view, etc…..

This control is part of the appeal of D/s and BDSM and  RLV is built into collars, equipment, clothes, and many other items to create this physical control.

Should you use it? I say yes but not as a replacement for your words but as an enhancement of your visual experience. Once a sub sees themselves on their knees and not voluntarily, or you removed their clothes without notice (and many other RLV functions), the emotions and feelings of the moment are enhanced as you talk through it (recall my Words post).

So use RLV as an enhancement and not a replacement of the experience. How and when to use it is a matter for another day and it is truly the part of discovering the many fetishes that you may be interested in.

Below is my attempt at a semi-technical discussion of what RLV is and how to get it working.

The official Linden Lab Second Life Viewer doesn’t support RLV at all. Linden Labs has made a strategic decision not to support it since it is mainly an adult type of tool and in my opinion, if they ever want to sell Linden Labs to a big corporation (Microsoft almost bought them a while back), they can claim that BDSM behavior is not a part of their viewer design. If you want to use RLV you must use a different viewer.

In order for anyone to use the full power of RLV you must be using a third party viewer that enables RLV and Phoenix/Firestorm is the most popular. You must enable it on the viewer before it works.

Now, the most common tool to perform these RLV functions is the now ubiquitous collar and it uses the Open Collar standard which is very much available in SL for free in many places. Temple of the Collar is the most popular place to get it.

There are many other tools available besides the open collar (Mars Ring, iControl, etc…) but they are all limited by what the viewer can do and a basic open collar can do most of the functions that other products (that cost more money) can do.

Part of the RLV design is also a set of safe words to allow you to get out of the control situation pretty much at any time (but sometimes you can’t, the controller of the RLV object would have to be present).

Very basic discussion but it should help you get going if needed. Visit the Open Collar site if you want to learn the functions of a RLV collar.

Topping from the Bottom

Since I referenced the topic of topping from the bottom in a previous post, some people have asked me to elaborate further so here is an explanation for it.

In a Dominant/submissive (D/s) relationship, the Dominant is the one in control of the situation throughout. A true submissive will get enjoyment, pleasure, arousal, and surprises as the Dominant gives commands that have to be obeyed or the submissive is subjected to physical or mental (consensually for both) tasks and activities.

Here is the main point:

At no point the submissive is there to contradict, ignore, negotiate, refuse, or pull away unless it is a violation of a hard limit and a safe word (and yes you should have safe words in Second Life) is used.

Very simple right? If the person at the other end is a true submissive and you have a contract/agreement in place concerning hard limits, soft limits, and safe words, then the submissive is to proceed as indicated.

Here is the tricky part of this, someone that is going to top from the bottom or is not a true submissive will probably will not agree to a contract that is so restrictive so they will try to have a laundry list of things that they will not do leaving you with the things they prefer rather than the things you want to do. Since you are not meeting them in person is hard to tell what is in their heart, but it is the first step to topping from the bottom in the relationship.

Why would anyone do this? Here are some possible reasons:

  1. The Dominant is weak, untrained, or not a Dominant at all (just playing one in SL), and the sub is trying to move the meeting along giving her clues of what to do.
  2. The sub is really a Dominant trying to turn weak Dominants into subs (some AVs take pride on this). You already know my opinion on switches (see previous post on the subject).
  3. The sub is trying to steer the Dominant into the things she likes, instead of what the Dominant wants to do. This is the most common reason.

How can one detect this inside SL?

The main thing before doing the contract and establishing the relationship is to have a period where you get to know each other. This implies that you have two people that are not playing a video game but have identified themselves as Dominant and submissive.

During this trial period, you put the submissive through several activities and watch how they interact with you. You must be able to recognize when the submissive is trying to top from the bottom.

Here is an example:

Back story of this scenario (this happened in SL): Day five of their trial period, some rules have been established and the submissive in several occasions has stated things like: “I like to serve and be deeply controlled”; “I need a strict and severe Mistress”; “I like to be naked on a leash”; and “I want to be used as a sexual toy.” I don’t see any ambiguity there specially since the Mistress clarified the meaning of each statement along the way. RLV folders have not been established.

So about an hour into this interaction, the submissive is leashed and on her knees and the following dialog takes place:

Mistress: undress for me

sub: you … you’re serious Miss?

Mistress: very serious

sub: why don’t you use the RLV? (topping from the bottom very directly here, she enjoys RLV or thinks the Mistress doesn’t know what she is doing)

Mistress: do as you are told without questions

sub: reluctantly starts to remove her dress

After doing several non-sexual things with the submissive here comes another example:

Mistress: put your clothes back on

sub: are you kidding me? you don’t want me anymore?

Mistress: looking sternly at ….. “GET YOUR CLOTHES ON IMMEDIATELY”

sub: dresses reluctantly

A few minutes later as they are discussing the contract they are working on at the moment, and the sub is on her knees and leashed as before:

sub: may this girl undress for you again?

Mistress: No

sub: but why not?

Mistress: Do you know what it means to top from the bottom? …….

You can imagine the rest but at the end this Mistress rejected the sub. It is obvious in several places that the sub is trying to steer the Mistress into doing what the sub wants to do.

This is just an easy example, but always think how this enters into your dialogue so easily.

 

 

Closeness and Response Time

I may have to file this under topping from the bottom (another subject to deal with), but subs please don’t approach any Mistress within one inch of her face two seconds after you IM her from across the room.

You would never do that to a person in RL. If they smile at you from the distance, would you immediately go over there and stand right in front of their face? I’m guessing that the intent here is to get the Mistress’ attention and possibly claiming your territory so other subs will think the Mistress is now busy with you (clever technique by the way).

Most Mistresses will be turned off by this and you will end up walking away with your tail between your legs. Don’t overplay your hand.

Along these same lines is the sub that requires an answer one second after they finish typing an IM to a Mistress (e.g., Mistress are you there? are you busy? you don’t want to see me anymore?). Possibly all three if you keep doing that.

You should give her some time to respond, very silly of you to think that you are the only IM she has at the moment. Of course you may have worked that by standing next to her way too close after a very short meeting.

Bottom line, yet another two-ways to walk away alone for the night or for long-term.