A Series Concerning Submissiveness – Part 3

Part 3 – What is happening when someone submits?

All pretenses are stripped away

When the relationship starts, and the submissive offers herself to you then you will experience that the person will be free to be who they really are inside. The little secrets that she carries inside her about her true desires start to come out. This sometimes comes out as an explosion of feelings and expressions when she becomes convinced that you care about her even though she carries these secrets, she becomes her true self.

It is normally a balance between two lives

Submission allows her to escape from herself and her every day life. During the day different aspects of our personality come into the forefront as we move from one role to another.   For example, there may be a big difference in one’s personality at work as compared to home.   Keeping up these roles requires a large amount of psychic energy which over time can become exhausted.

At work, your sub may be very powerful and dominant and carrying a great deal of responsibility.   Being a mother at home is tremendously demanding and requires a great deal of energy in caring for and supervising the children.   If she has spent her day instructing and inspecting others, she may crave the transition from that position of authority to one of servitude.   When she can become your sub, she gets a relaxing respite from the stresses of her life.   She can renew herself by once again becoming a little girl who is loved and looked after.   Instead of having to cope with the stress of making decisions she can surrender to you and do exactly as she is told knowing she is safe in your care. It then becomes a balancing of energy by experiencing the opposite role.

As her Mistress, you will do everything in your power to enable your sub to be who she really is, and is normally a woman full of love and sensuality and passion and who wants nothing more than to be free and safe enough to show you the full extent of it.

If she submits, then you must take charge

One thing of PARAMOUNT importance is that your sub feels that she is truly being controlled and is acting on *your* commands, and is subject to *your* whims.   If she feels your actions are for her alone, she will feel in control of the situation and this is exactly what she does NOT want to feel.   In order for her to be submissive, YOU must be in charge of her in a very real and definite way. Here is where the difference between role playing in SL and actual control and feelings is critical.

It is very confusing for her if your control is just within the context of a scene and does not carry over into the rest of your relationship.   It will help if you think of your control as being an integral part of your relationship rather than an “imposition” on her.   The more you see her enthusiasm and gratitude in response to your actions, the easier it will become for you.

Never forget that her desire to please her Mistress is an essential element of her submission.   Though you both know she loves to have the experiences you are giving her, she MUST feel that it’s for your pleasure equally, if not more than her own.   Being submissive is her gift to you, a way of pleasing you as completely as possible.   If she thinks your control of her is only for *her*, it just doesn’t work.   She wants to be yours, to feel she has no choice in what she is subjected to and this REALITY regarding her submission is tremendously thrilling for her.

To this end, you MUST keep a home in SL. Drifting around clubs, dungeons, public places to live your relationship cheapens it and your sub doesn’t have any stability in terms of serving you as it all becomes a public display or just one scene after another with no sense of relationship. This may work for a while but believe me when I say that is gnawing at your subs mind every day.

A Series Concerning Submissiveness – Part 2

Part 2 – Why does someone wants to be submissive?

Because is erotic

When someone submits emotionally and physically, their sexuality is affected in a very intense and emotionally fulfilling experience. Women that have submitted to me or others have expressed that the physical act coupled with the mental part is often the most sexually intense and emotionally fulfilling experience in their lives.

But there is an issue with this. As is often the case, many feel afraid of the intensity of their sexual energy.   They fear that if they reveal the full extent of their sexual excitement at being a submissive they will not be understood.   Often, the smallest of looks or commands will leave them drenched with sexual excitement.   A good Mistress will enjoy the pleasure that this excitement bring as she extracts each nuance of sexual pleasure from her.

How do you do that in SL? Good conversation and emoting. You need not be a para-rp person to get that fulfillment. If you remember my previous posts role playing is just that, a real relationship is not role playing. Both parties feel it. The submissive must also know that her Mistress gets as much pleasure out of this as she does.

When she gives herself to you completely, she is also giving you the freedom to explore the depths of her sexuality and passion. She expects and trusts that you will take her places she cannot go herself, to have experiences she probably cannot ask for.   She is depending on the Mistress to give her the push to get beyond any resistance she may offer. Of course it must always be safe, sane, and consensual.

Getting past resistance is where your strength and understanding as a Mistress is essential.   If you back off instead of encouraging her onward (by spank or by praise) she will not be able to explore the depths of herself.   She needs your unconditional love and support to feel safe to go where she cannot go alone.   As you sexually open her body to you, you are also opening her heart and soul.

Being with a Mistress that understands the sexuality of the situation is an extremely liberating experience for her, and allows for more and more exploration over time.  As time goes by, she will have a strong desire to reveal herself as she truly is as you help her by removing any sexual barriers built from her early years.   Even if she cannot ask, it is important to understand that the sub *wants* to overcome her resistance as much as the Mistress wants her to.

As your relationship grows and she becomes more comfortable and trusting in her knowledge that you understand her feelings, she will find it easier to admit certain sexual desires to you.   From time to time, have her tell you a “secret” fantasy of hers, or give her the assignment of writing you a short fantasy.   It’s often easier to put something in writing than to have to say it verbally.

Another way you can free her sexuality is to have her admit to you how exciting a certain activity is for her.   If you are giving her an erotic spanking, have her tell you how much she loves it.   “Begging” can also be a way to encourage her to express herself.   For example, if you suspect she enjoys anal play more than she can admit, hold the bottom plug against her opening but don’t insert it until she “begs” you to have it slipped inside her.   In this way you are “forcing” her to make an admission she probably wants to make, but is too embarrassed to share with you on her own.

More to come in part 3 ……..

A Series Concerning Submissiveness – Part 1

I’ll start the new year (I know is February already) with a series of posts (four parts I think), that will highlight the concept of submissiveness and how it relates to SL.

Part 1 – Why does someone want to be a submissive?

Because it is important to them

In my many dealing with submissive women, a common theme of every encounter is that a person that is willing to engage with a Mistress is doing it because submission is very important to that person. A true submissive attaches a value to being owned, or to be serving someone. Since in second life is normally not a physical connection, then the emotional connection becomes even more meaningful. This emotional connection (in both RL and SL) is very deep in a true submissive and they feel it to their very soul. Because of this deep connection a true D/s relationship is not a game to a true submissive.   That is the reason many SL D/s relations end so quickly, is a game for one of them and trivializes the real emotions that can be felt.

Because they want to be taken care of

A submissive woman wants someone strong to protect and watch over her.   I often hear this when I ask that direct question about the reason they want to submit to me. Of course one has to be careful about being topped from the bottom in that situation. A submissive wants to be able to relax in the safety of her Mistress and the environment she creates for her.

Part of her feeling of being taken care of by you is knowing that she has certain rules and limits for herself.   If she disobeys them, she expects to be disciplined.   When you are correcting her behavior by a punishment of some kind, several things are happening.   The first is that you care enough for her to correct her.   It is proof to her that she has your attention and you are watching over her, making sure she does what is best for herself.

If it was a task or command of your own that she disobeyed, then your punishment leaves no doubt in her mind that she must obey you and that allows her to feel secure in her submission to you.   If you set rules for her then never check to see they are followed, your message to her is that she is not worth the effort it takes to see that she has obeyed.   You are unconsciously saying she does not deserve your attention.   This lack of attention will lead to her disappearance as it is a critical part of submissiveness.

The best way to deal with this part (the rules), is to make it somewhat of a formal and clear process. As the Mistress, you want your rules obeyed and she wants to obey them and be recognized for her desire to please you.   If she “overlooks” a rule it is often a test to see if you care enough to catch it, and for you it is an opportunity to show her that she will not be allowed to get away with anything.   The stricter you are in supervising her, the more she will feel your attention and the happier she will be. Believe it or not.

More to come in part 2 ……..

 

Good BDSM places for Women in SL

As I mentioned a few weeks back, I’v been compiling a list of SL lesbian D/s clubs since people inworld often ask me for new locations or locations I would recommend. I have a list of over sixty clubs and I realized that this was going to be a very long post (and didn’t want to break it up), so what I’ll do instead is give you what I believe are the most promising places in SL for lesbian BDSM. Notice that I am saying lesbian so any places that allow men or are not lesbian BDSM are not included. Even though the list is written by me, I also interviewed 15 Dommes and 15 subs to find their tastes. At the end of the day it is my list. Good luck visiting these places.

A technical note, traffic according to Linden Labs means this: “Traffic will be the cumulative minutes spent on the parcel by all visitors to the parcel within the previous day.”

#1 The Secret House (SLURL)

With an average traffic of over 21,000 avatar minutes per day, it is a very popular place.

It advertises itself as an old/young and D/s club, and it has a dungeon, some private areas (most within hearing range of the main floor), and an open floor plan without much clutter. The club itself is cozy enough in the main floor, and each area is well separated.

Dommes and subs frequent the place with a Domme to sub ratio of about 1:8 (not unusual in these type of places). It is well visited throughout the day as many Europeans visit the place (German and French), and of course a heavy U.S. presence.

I ranked them #1 because it is not an on your face BDSM or D/s place. People understand what it is and connections are made easily amongst the visitors. Music is appropriate and most people express that it is very much drama free as things don’t often spill into public chat. It is women only and well managed with availability of staff when problems occur.

The club itself is cozy enough in the main floor, and each area is well separated.

So for meeting others people with varied interests it is a great place in SL

#2 Amelie’s Garden and Dungeon (SLURL)

The average traffic per day is around 9100 avatar minutes per day.  The D/s ratio is about 1:4 but this is deceiving as many Domes bring their subs there.

The place is clearly a D/s lesbian place, it is very expansive, but it has an incredible range of activities all of them very well built with attention to all the details.  Places to visit inside Amelie’s include: The Old House, the Ruins (medieval castle), the Forgotten Cells (medieval prison), a Pony Track and Barn, the Mansion (where most people gather), a Pool, Maid Quarters, a Wine Cellar, Basements, Catacombs, a Crypt, a Space Ship, The Bunker Club, and a few others.  Music is appropriate for the setting.

As it can be seen, there is a lot to do and find at Amelie’s. I like this place because it is a great place to bring a newly discovered sub to test out her will and disposition and help you make up your mind about her.  You can landmark individual spots and return to them, and also just about all the BDSM equipment you will need. It is a fantastic place and I normally donate in their box as appreciation to the level of detail you find there.

Why not #1? Because is not really a place to come and meet people. It can happen, but most avs are spread across the large SIM area and not gathered in one place.  You need to seek them out and most of the time they are already paired up and using the place as it was intended.  Sometimes you do find a gathering outside the mansion area.

It is women only, but I’m not sure that if a man shows up, there will be someone to take care of him promptly.

If you go there use the SLURL above and when you land in the main entrance area, click on the Amelie’s logo for a notecard that will give you the landmarks to each specific spot. That is a nice feature. Of  course, you can always explore the whole place.

#3 The Lesbian Society (SLURL)

The average traffic per day is around 4500 avatar minutes per day.  The D/s ratio is about 3:4. It is the place with most Dommes gathering together (that I’ve seen).

The place is set in a very large castle and it definitely has the right atmosphere. I ranked them #3 because the owner (Mistress Victoria), hangs around the place, engages people with chat and before you know it you get a large gathering of people going. They also have weekly meet and greets that are very popular. For a place that hasn’t been around very long (six months or so), it has a good number of people in the group (over 300 already) and a good following.

The downside of this place is that it is still gaining traction with people so sometimes you will arrive and no one is there. My advice, wait a few minutes and see what happens.

Another downside is that in the past SIM restarts would plague the location. The restarts would be 15 seconds and most would be kicked before the chance to TP out. The owner has assured me that this is now fixed and the restarts are only on the early hours on Tuesdays (midnight to 3:00 am).

I highly recommend this place since the atmosphere and the dynamics with the owner make it very interesting.

#4 Venustus (SLURL)

The average traffic per day is around 7800 avatar minutes per day.  The D/s ratio is about 1:10.

Even though this is just typical SL club (DJ, dancing, surrounding mall, dance poles, etc…..) it is a good place to find people interested in the lifestyle. Plenty of traffic keeps the people coming in and there is plenty of themes, conversation,  a trivia ball.

A good place to meet people in a more commercial environment.

What the place lacks is the atmosphere of BDSM and the intimacy of close connections to be made and then go to a place inside to enjoy.

Now please remember that these are MY OPINION only. Open to comments of course.

 

BDSM Training in SL

I recently ran into a Mistress that offers D/s, BDSM training and the conversation took me back to a few encounters with submissives about training, experience, and how does that play into the BDSM and D/s area.

Let’s start by looking at a person that is brand new to SL (or recently new), and also new to the world of D/s and BDSM. What kind of training do they need? Ask 100 Mistresses and you will hear 100 different answers.

Some take the approach that they need to taught a series of protocols and rules to follow. For example: When you write the word you, it must be capitalized, when you see me come into SL you must drop everything you are doing and come to me (or through RLV they just get TP’d to the Mistress without warning), dress code, etc….

Some are more informal and let the rules and protocols develop as the new person is trying to deal both with SL and the pressures of pleasing a new Mistress.

In either of those two scenarios, there is an incredible amount of pressure on the sub to perform while trying to learn SL (remember when you lost your hair? or worse, couldn’t get it on?), and at the same time experiencing the feelings that come along when pleasing someone.

Of course there are other submissives that have been in SL for several years, and when talking to them they want you (the Mistress) to teach them properly. I nod my head politely and then ask “tell me what you know and your experience” and I would say that over ninety percent get offended and most of the time is because they think I don’t know what I’m doing because I’m asking for feedback from them. After all, “The Mistress should control everything, and something as basic as training should be obvious.” I often tell them that I’m not a mind reader and don’t really want to start training them from the basics because they will be bored immediately.

In order for me to understand their level of experience I ask some key questions:

– Do you use #RLV folders? Do you know what they are?

– Show me your basic BDSM equipment or tell me what you have and who is the maker. I need to know if I can work it ahead of time

– Tell me about the best day you spent with a previous Mistress, with all the details.

Maybe a couple of more questions but you get the idea.

You will be surprised how many “subs” walk away from these types of questions. I’ve come to realize that it is a good way to filter them out as well.

Mistress Victoria (Guadalupe Ansar) runs an academy for Dommes and subs alike and she advocates for some basic training for new subs and new Dommes so at least the basics of D/s and BDSM are discussed. Her training is non-sexual (which turns some people off from going) and includes topics like: understanding domme and submissive feelings; nurturing a long term relationship in SL; use of RLV; aftercare, and many more.

She is not the only one that does training, but she is the only one that specializes in lesbian dominance and fetishes, and runs the training without compensation of any kind.

I’ve often sent her new subs and they all have thank me for that effort. Of course, I could train them myself but the question is their willingness to be trained and be guided with all the time zone and RL issues that get in the way in SL.

Finally, my last thought is about the avs that use the word training when in reality they are thinking of a scenario to play out. “I need to know how to please you Mistress.” Of course to them this is part of the game and they are not really looking for training but for a role play in which they appear to be learning. Good luck trying to figure out what is it that they want from you in that case. This is another case of topping from the bottom (see previous post on the topic).

Bondage Safety in SL

I was sitting around with my Domme friends and the subject of bondage came up. I was really surprised how many different ideas of bondage and bondage safety existed among my group. Most of us are very experienced in SL so I jumped in here to get my thoughts published.

Let’s start with a working definition of bondage. To me it is any type of restraint that limits someone’s movement.

I know that definition is very broad, but if you think about it, bondage is all about limiting physical movement using some kind of restraint method (e.g., rope, chain, rubber, latex, gags etc …).

Is it a kink or a fetish? You can visit my previous post on what makes them different but in this case, bondage can be both. Some subs want bondage to be the only thing that will satisfy them sexually, while others see is as part of pleasing the Domme and view it as a kink that they like.

One of the wonderful things about SL is that just about every type of bondage can be found and practiced. Shibaru (Japanese bondage) is very common, as well as Western, and Fusion (east meets west).

I believe the ease of experiencing bondage in SL leads to a false sense of reality in Real Life for the subs.

In RL the most difficult part of bondage is learning how to do it safely. One must learn how to “rig” a person properly and practice it. Many cases of improper applications of bondage have resulted in RL injuries (dislocated bones being the most common), long term damage (breast tying being one of the most done incorrectly), and in some cases death (gagging a person and then having them lay down or be upside down without proper monitoring).

You would think that in SL you can have the experience without worrying about safety, but in some cases SL just makes it worse because some subs at the other end try self-bondage and that can be tragic.

I remember a sub that I had and I asked her to wear a collar in RL and asked her to get a six foot silk piece that she would use as the leash to tie herself to the computer desk. This enhances the experience, but one day she said that she was losing her breath and I asked why and she said she had been pulling on the leash as tight as she could every time I did it in SL. Whoa !!

I told her to immediately take the collar and leash off and had to give her a lecture about doing things that I wasn’t telling her to do. I’ve also experience similar things like this during bondage as the sub starts to self-bondage.

So what are we to do?

First, understand that when playing in SL at the other end the person is real and may do things that she believes will please you (it is certainly pleasing her), as you play scenes in SL.

Second, ALWAYS MAKE SURE YOU CHECK THAT THE SUB IS NOT USING SELF-BONDAGE OR DOING ANYTHING WITHOUT YOUR DIRECTION.

Some people may read this and laugh thinking it is not possible, but I think that anyone that has been in SL a meaningful amount of time can recognize that the feelings are real and can be as powerful (or sometimes more) than the feelings and actions in RL.

Please be careful and always be safe

A series of videos that express life in SL

These are a series of links from YouTube that I have seen in profiles in the last few days. I will update them as I go along.

World Builder (careful, you may cry on this one)

Boys asking girls for sex (minute 1:10 had to happen)

Girls asking boys for sex (minute 1:50 pretty funny)

True Doms in Second Life (and that goes for Dommes as well)

Welcome to Gore

Master Tags are Great (applies to Mistress Tags as well)

Sexy Mistress

Give a noob a chance?

This is a loaded question. First of all, what is a noob?

I define it as anyone in SL for less than 45 days. I know this is an arbitrary definition but can do as well as any other.

Based on that definition, should a Domme attempt to get into a relationship with someone that is just barely learning how to navigate SL?

Some Mistresses do and some don’t.

I for one try to understand the person as we chat. If they are truly brand new to SL (and not some alt playing head games) I tend towards not pursuing the relationship. Two reasons why:

– If they are brand new, they really haven’t experienced all the things that SL has to offer and probably are in the throes of their initial addiction jumping from Mistress to Mistress to satisfy the feelings that they are pursuing. They are just learning how to use equipment, build an inventory that is good for both them and their Mistress, etc…

– The chances are very high (and have confirmed this with several others), that the relationship won’t last since the slow beginning of most relationship will put the noob in a position of wanting to get out and know more. As a Mistress wrote in her profile “If you are looking for a Mistress and you don’t understand your own self I am probably not for you”

That really sums up the feeling that you may get from trying to dominate a noob. Are they really clear on what they want and who they are? I prefer that they explore a little more because the two of us may not be compatible at all.

By the way, in my profile Picks I explain my philosophy towards noobs so there will not be any misunderstandings.

Of course others reject noobs because of the way the look, lack of AO, no SLINK hands or feet. You name it. That of course is up to each person but seems to me a bit shallow.

Actual Clock Time in SL and Exclusive Relationships

I was reading some profiles the other day and one of them had the following statement “Looking for a one to one relationship and totally exclusive.” Have seen that statement many times and it didn’t trigger anything in my mind until much later.

What does that really mean to both the sub and the Mistress?

I’ve been in SL for over eight years and I’ve had a very active life and have many personal friends, business friends, and casual friends that are fun. I would say that 40% of my life in SL has not relation to D/s, BDSM, or taking care of a sub.

Today I finally realized that one of the reasons that some subs may leave so quickly is because their expectation of a one on one relationship is a relation in which they are with you 100% of your time and theirs.

If you think about how much time you spend in SL per session, and you have a one on one relationship with a new sub/slave how much time will you actually spend with them? I’ve posted about needy subs and topping from the bottom so it is up to the Mistress to manage that time and make sure the sub/slave understands that.

For example, take this other profile statement Looking for a Mistress for a long-term position as Her slave and property. Interested in really realistic slavery in which a slave is not human but only an object.” What do you think is this person’s expectations in terms of my time as a Mistress?

If I come in should I spend thirty minutes with her before I go see friends and attend an event that I promised to attend? If I tell her that she is to stay in place and I go to the event for two hours should I be IMing her every ten (fifteen, twenty) minutes so she doesn’t feel abandoned? Or do I just don’t care since she says she can be treated as an object and I don’t think about my objects when I am out having fun with my friends.

Does a one on one exclusive relationship precludes me from having friends in SL?

Of course the answer is NO !! We wouldn’t do that in RL. My home slave would have to stay home and wait for me to come back. She should be happy to see me come back and not be fretting her life away because I’m out with friends and such.

The big difference in SL is the fact that the slave can easily run-away and then she can find another Mistress in a relatively short period of time. Try that in RL and you would be looking for years and they know it.

If the sub/slave can’t handle your time away from them while both of you are inworld, then I would say they are not really sub/slaves to you. All they are wanting is your attention and all of your time.

On the other hand, I do give my subs/slaves time to go out and do other things if they have that feeling. They may want to go window shopping (I approve all purchases for slaves), go to an event of their own, and visit old friends as well.

I need to look at this more carefully and study it. This may be the main reason for many brake ups and no one is looking at it seriously.